Date: Sat, 1 Aug 2009 15:36:40 +0530
SHORT HISTORY LESSON ! A Child's Guide To United States Foreign
Policy Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq? A: Because they
had weapons of mass destruction honey. Q: But the inspectors didn't find
any weapons of mass destruction. A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding
them. Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq? A: Yep. Invasions always
work better than inspections. Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL
didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we? A: That's because
the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably
right before the 2008 election. Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of
mass destruction? A: To use them in a war, silly. Q: I'm confused.
If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war,
then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons,
so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they
had all those big weapons to fight us back with? A: It's a different
culture. It's not supposed to make sense. Q: I don't know about you, but
I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We
had another good reason to invade them anyway. Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a
cruel dictator,
which is another good reason to invade another country. Q: Why? What
does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country? A: Well,
for one thing, he tortured his own people. Q: Kind of like what they do
in China? A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic
competitor, where millions
of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate
gain,
it's a good country, even if that country tortures people? A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured? A: For political
crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government.
People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China? A: I told you, China
is different. Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq? A:
Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is
Communist. Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad? A: No,
just Cuban Communists are bad. Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to
prison and tortured. Q: Like in Iraq? A: Exactly. Q: And like
in China, too? A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba,
on the other hand, is not. Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic
competitor? A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government
passed some laws that made it illegal
for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being
communists and started beingcapitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and
started doing business with them,
wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists? A: Don't be a
smart-ass. Q: I didn't think I was being one. A: Well, anyway, they
also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba. Q: Kind of like China and
the Falun Gong movement? A: I told you, stop saying bad things about
China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power
through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup? A: That's when a military general takes over
the government of a country by force,
instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States. Q:
Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup? A: You
mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate? A: I
never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.. Q: Didn't you just say a
military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing
the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader? A: Only
Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade
Afghanistan. Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan? A: Because of what
they did to us on September 11th. Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on
September 11th? A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them
Saudi Arabians, hijacked
four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000
Americans. Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that? A:
Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the
Taliban. Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off
people's heads and hands? A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only
did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in
May of 2001? A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a
good job fighting drugs. Q: Fighting drugs? A: Yes, the Taliban
were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies. Q: How
did they do such a good job? A: Simple. If people were caught growing
opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off. Q:
So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that
was OK,
but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons? A:
Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands
for
growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing
bread. Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi
Arabia? A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical
patriarchy that oppressed women and forced
them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the
penalty for women who did not comply. Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear
burqas in public, too? A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional
Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference? A: The traditional Islamic covering worn
by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that
covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on
the other hand,
is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body
except for her eyes and fingers. Q: It sounds like the same thing with a
different name. A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia.
The Saudis are our friends. Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19
hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia. A: Yes, but they
trained in Afghanistan. Q: Who trained them? A: A very bad man
named Osama bin Laden. Q: Was he from Afghanistan? A: Uh, no, he
was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man. Q: I
seem to recall he was our friend once. A: Only when we helped him and the
mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s. Q:
Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked
about? A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or
thereabouts, and now
they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends? A: Well,
not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped
being Soviets,
but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at
them now. We're also madat the French and the Germans because they didn't help
us invade Iraq either. Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and
French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Q: Do we always rename
foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do? A: No,
we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade. Q: But wasn't
Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s? A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then? A: Yes, but at the time
he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily. Q:
Why did that make him our friend? A: Because at that time, Iran was our
enemy. Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds? A: Yeah, but since
he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him
we were his friend... Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies
automatically becomes our friend? A: Most of the time, yes. Q: And
anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by
selling weapons to both
sides at the same time, all the better. Q: Why? A: Because war is
good for the economy, which means war is good for America Also, since God
is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American
Communist. Do you understand now why weattacked Iraq? Q: I think so. We
attacked them because God wanted us to, right? A: Yes.. Q: But how
did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq? A: Well, you see, God
personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do. Q: So
basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush
hears voices in his head? A: Yes! You finally understand how the world
works. Now closeyour eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good
night.
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