I enjoyed the article well done; and I used to say always, girls will demand; and boyts must be really manly. A man is loved by a woman. But we have elippathayam only as bridegrooms; so for them with advanced qualifications of ladies, getting married will become tougher. And I used to say a woman does not need a man; but a man is in need. So if nature were to prevail, apart from being money marketed or not, A MAN MUST BE A MAN WHO KNOWS TO TREAT WELL A WOMAN NOT AS SERVANT BUT AS A CLOSE FRIEND WHO PARTAKES IN ALL HER HAPPINESS AND THE SUFFERINGS, WHEN WOMEN LOVE THEM ALL THE WAY TILL THE GATE. K Rajaram IRS 5324 ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Laxminarayan Sarma <[email protected]> Date: Mon, 4 Mar 2024 at 03:37 Subject: [iyer123] Marriage - Matrimony or Market Economy To: iyer <[email protected]>
Matrimony or Market Economy? Market place fundamentals have started governing the matrimonial mart. No, this isn't a new phenomenon in the Tambram community . The earlier superior halves, our mamis, were coy maidens, not *"very educated*" ----- IT, MBA, Telecom, Microbiology, nutrition, Journalism etc, degrees which are essentially skills, not necessarily education in the true sense of the term ------ just like skills in carpentry, tinsmithery, pottery, etc--- ( more of that in a later posting). --- found themselves victims of a system where supply (mamis) was plentiful and demand (mamas) was scarce. Of course, one can not say that every mama was a Nobel laureate. Seldom did a mama go beyond matriculation, and three months" stenographic training before boarding the 12 up Madras Mumbai train to Mumbai and take up the job "fixed" by attimbar in the company he worked for. But mamas those days commanded a "premium" The premium depended on the company he worked for. Government jobs were passe. So, only the "ornery" plain Janes for the *governmend aappes mamas.* As a consolation, the bride's parents would say, "*adukku ennacham, velai gattiya irukkum, pension kadikkum*". "Sour grapes" would say the others who could manage bridegrooms working for the private sector. In the private sector, a company with a foreign sounding name was preferred. And the lengthier the foreign name, the better the market for the mama. For example, a name like Latham Abercrombie Johnson and Woods commanded better respect than, say, William Jack. And those lucky mamas working for American companies like Stanvac latter known as ESSO Every Saturday Sunday Off) or Caltex or Burmah Shell, were at the top of the pile. So most of these guys walked away with the prettiest of brides and the heftiest of dowries. That they remained married to the mami and to their typewriter throughout their lives is another story. No, it didn't matter how intelligent, accomplished or "educated" these guys were. All that mattered was the company they worked for. Whether they made capable husbands or turned into hen pecked morons, is another matter. In this context, I recall a guy working for an engineering company. Like many guys of those days, he arrived in Mumbai, with a matriculation certificate from Palakkad stamped "passed in compartments, not eligible for university admission"., a 30 wpm certificate in typewriting and a vocabulary of just 110 words (may be i am being charitable when I place his vocabulary at 110 (no,not his shorthand speed, let me repeat, his vocabulary). Through his Matunga networking (he Shorthand Writers' Association) he was "placed" as a substitute invoice typist 'to fill in for a guy who had gone on leave. He was appointed and forgotten. The guy who had gone on leave did not return for a long time. In the meantime, our guy had completed 180 days of continued service. And as per the rules, if a guy continued for this period of time, he had to be regularized. So this guy, became a regular fixture at the company, and blundered his way through the years till his retirement. So this guy, despite whatever he was, became a "prize catch", just by working for this engineering company, and, eventually , landed up with a pretty maiden from a judge's family in Kottayam. The wheel has turned full circle. Today, the roles are reversed. Just like Europeans and Yankees making a beeline for the Indian market, it is the Venkies with their beer bloated bellies and ill fitting jeans and tight t-shirts, hunting for the very elusive Miss Lallis. I don't think that Venkies of yore had problems getting Lallies. They had a wide array of Lallies available, whose parents were desperate to get them married off. And married off with all the grandeur the parent"s hard earned savings could command. But Lallis are on top today. No, not just any ordinary Venky would do for them. Venky has to match Lalli's qualificatins, Lalli's salary and fit into the image that Lalli has of a "good husband", the last named item being modelled on the chocolate boys appearing in the TV serials. So, the first question which a prospective bride's father would ask...yea even before introducing himself, giving his whereabouts, etc. "*ongattu pullaikku ettarai hambalam ?"* The guy at the other end of the phone, would ask the caller to identify himself. To this the caller would rspond *"modallai chamballattai chollungo...appram mateeyudu ellam pesalam".* There is no reasoning with this guy. If you tell him that the matter can be discussed later after he has given details of the girl, he would invariably retort " I say, it is *immpporrttantt* for me to know the boy's salary. My *dotter yis yearning 8 laks annuwally...so there is no paaint in going further if your son draas less than her...komppattabbilllittee vendama ?"* Komppattabbilklittee !!! One salary marrying another !!! Not a boy marrying a girl. Forget concepts like *gunam, kulam, paramparai, poorveeham,* the boy's physical health, personality, IQ etc. Of course, *dhanam*, no doubt is important. But dhanam alone does not make for compatibility. Let me repeat, it is no doubt a decisive factor. Thre is no denying that !! Salaries are ballooning. But how long will the boom last. We are already hearing about IT majors like Infosys, Tata Consultancy, Wipro and scores of other once booming companies laying off people by the hundreds. And for those laid off, the balloon has gone "bust". The question I wish to ask here is can a long term partnership be laid on the shifting sands of just a pay slip. And an other question is can Lalli, after marriage, continue in her job? If so, for how long? Parents have not seen such good money, in their days. Particularly those who have held low level white collar jobs. So for them, what their kids earn is BIG MONEY. And this has blinded them to the fact that compatibility in marriages is not based just on money, but several factors. Wake up parents, Be rational,. Don't enslave to a pay slip the future of your girls. Consider the boy's earnings. His qualifications. His abilities. And above all, can he be man enough to plough a lonely furrow should his wife, perchance become incapable of earning? Don't become auctioneers giving off your daughters to the highest salary earners, without considering the host of factors that make marriages work. Take another example. Lalli's father would begin by saying, :"onga pullai ennava irukkan ? *Ennodu ponnu Junior, deputy, assistant vice prelsident aakum. And avall american companyly aakum velayaa irukka. And Americavukkum poittu vandirukkal".* Designations ? Unlike nationalised banks and government offices, there are no clerks or assistants in the private sector. The lowest position in the private sector is that of an executive. And an executive is lured with a managerial position by his employer's business rival. And another rival makes him a GM, another a VP and so on. Do these designations have any real meaning? A PRIVATE SECTOR FINANCE COMPANY I know has close to 18 VPs, 126 AVPs, 300 GMs, i have lost count of the AGMs, Managers and Officers in this bank. Throw a stone at this bank and it will land on a manager's head. Routine functions that used to be handled by a person of the rank of a Sr. Assistant those days are being handled by the so called VPs and AVPs and the other "top brass". Let me ask, do these designations have any meaning? The Subramaniams and the Ramanathans who have had their innings in service in the sixties, seventies and eighties, a "manager" was a guy to be envied and admired from a distance. He had power, skills, abilities and talents that made him singlehandedly run a whole company. Even today, some staid established European companies have not cheapened designations. For example a more than a 125 year old German company, has just one GM, 18 managers, 22 dy managers, and 78 officers. And the company has a turn over of several hundred crores. !! So, while hitching a daughter's future, her designation and the prospective groom's designation , are not much to go by. So also the so called MBA degrees...unless they are from the Indian "Ivy League" institutions like the IIMs, XLRI, Bajaj to name a few. And the less we speak of the so called engineering degrees (unless they are from the IITs, BITS, or RECs and other reputed institutions) they are no better than trade diplomas. I expect a lot of abuses, protests, criticism and personal mud flings for this piece. But before you do so consider this : 1) because of the extraordinary expectations of the lallis, they remain unmarried till very late. Take any matrimonial portal, and you will the average lalli is aged between 28 and 32. Some even stay unmarried into their late thirties. Is there any point in getting married around menopause ? 2. In frustration, Lallis marry outside the community . This is also due to the poor qualaity of Venkies available. It is okay if they marry Hindus from other regions, or castes. But a large number of them, particularly Palakkad Iyer girls in Mumbai end up marrying Christians. And become Christians. 3. Look at the number of divorces. Look at any marriage portal or matrimonial, columns of the Sunday papers for proof of this. After the mutual euphoria of the fat pay packets ends, disillusioonment sets in. As I said earlier, salary marrying salary does not make for "kommppattabbillittee". Much, much more is needed to make a marriage work . 4. Boys also should be manly enough to accept that their "Lallis" may or may not bring the moolah home for ever. They should be prepared to singlehandedly bring home the bread to lay on the table. My appeal to girls' parents is "think beyond your daughter's pay packet". It should no doubt be a factor, but not the only criterion in choosing a groom. Because, all said and done, a woman's role is limited by her God given attributes as wife, mother, home maker and comforter. Don' behave like auctioneers seeking the highest bidder (salary earner) for her hand. Because a marriage is between a MAN (no ""ager) and WO(E)MAN . Compatibility is not between paypacket-paypacket, kommppootter-komppootter Criticism is welcome. -- --- You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "Tambrapatrika" group. To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an email to [email protected]. To post to this group, send email to [email protected]. Visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/tambrapatrika. 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