Elvira and the Siege of the
Living Dead
By Patterson Lundquist
Chapter 2
"That was a red
light," Taylor exclaimed as he turned back looking toward the intersection
Elvira blew through without even slowing.
"Yeah, and it
isn't exactly rush hour if you haven't noticed," she replied as she
continued to speed through the dark deserted town.
"Where is
everyone, you don't think they're all," Taylor started.
"Oh, no, it's a
Tuesday it's bingo night at St. Mary's," Elvira smirked winking at him.
"I don't think
this is a time for jokes," Taylor frowned at her.
"Who's joking,
I'm serious," Elvira defended as she squealed to a stop outside an old
church.
"Oh," he
muttered as he blushed a bit.
"Hey it's ok, I
thought Bingo had gone out of style till the pastor called me up to tell
me it was my turn to pull the balls," she snickered.
"Oh geeze,"
Taylor laughed slightly covering his mouth.
"Yeah no
kidding, who do you think was more confused, him as to how my name got on
the list, or me as to what balls he was talking about," she laughed as she
closed the car door.
"I can only
imagine," Taylor laughed.
"Hey, better
than ten Hail Mary's," she smiled as she strutted up the steps and heaved
the old red wooden door open with a groan.
Upon entering
the church it was apparent that Bingo Night was in fact cancelled. The old
church sanctuary stood before them dimly illuminated by the candelabras
and votives off to the left.
"Hey Padr�,"
Elvira exclaimed strutting down the center of the isle towards the altar.
Upon
approaching the altar rail Elvira caught Taylor staring at her.
"What," she
asked genuinely confused.
"Nothing, just
a stark contrast in styles," he laughed as he eyed her then the religious
surroundings.
Before Elvira
could reply a noise came from the back side of the altar. A sort of
shuffling and scraping sound.
"Hello," Taylor
shouted yet again sending Elvira into a spasm which nearly caused her to
fall backwards over the altar rail.
"Remind me to
get that hole in your face stitched shut," she snarled as she collected
herself.
"What, did you
see some movie where a guy in a church said hello and got slaughtered,"
Taylor mocked her.
"Yeah, I did,
it was called "The Dweeb Who's Car Broke Down."
"Very funny."
"No, it was
rather tragic, the sequel however was funny because this raven haired
beauty in a plunging neckline made sure the Dweeb," Elvira tried to retort
as two teenagers bolted out from behind the altar.
"Elvira," the
girl yelled as she ran up.
"Karen," Elvira
chirped as she turned around.
"Oh my god I'm
glad to see you," she almost cried as she threw herself against Elvira who
struggled to remain on her feet.
"Whoa, whoa,
wait a second, what's the matter," Elvira asked as she began to pry Karen
off of her.
"We've been
hiding in here since sun down," Karen exclaimed.
"We, I don't
think I've met your, eh- um friend," Elvira smiled as she glanced over at
the teenage boy standing off behind Karen.
"Oh, that's
Sphen, he's an exchange student," Karen exclaimed pulling him up beside
her.
"Well if you
guys are hiding from the same creeps we saw just about half an hour ago,
I'm pretty sure Sphen here is wanting another exchange, back to his
country," Elvira exclaimed as she smoothed her hair and cocked her head to
the side with an _expression_ that made Sphen giggle.
"Speak 'e
English," Elvira asked.
"Yah, a bit,"
he smiled.
"My you're a
handsome little devil aren't you," Elvira grinned as she looked over
Sphen.
"Thank you," he
blushed.
"They must not
feed you over there though," she exclaimed noticing how skinny he was.
"I eat," he
replied.
"He does
believe me, we've gone through so much food my mom is thinking about a
second mortgage on the house to pay for it," Karen smiled.
"You wouldn't
know it, boy here looks like death eatin' on a cracker," Elvira winked
jokingly.
Sphen looked
confused, Karen laughed and Taylor cleared his throat.
"Oh, man I
almost forgot, Karen, Sphen this is Taylor, his car died out on the
freeway and he found his way up to my neck of the woods," Elvira smiled as
Taylor shook their hands.
"Ok, so you
guys saw them right," Karen asked.
"Them," Elvira
asked.
"Yah," Sphen
said as he rolled his eyes back in his head and staggered around with his
hands held out snapping his teeth together.
"Oh yeah, we
saw them," Elvira exclaimed slightly disturbed by Sphen who continued to
mimick the zombies.
"Hey, hey yo'
dude chill out you're givin' me the creeps," she exclaimed yanking his
sleeve a few times.
"Sorry."
"Yeah so
anyways, we've been hiding in here since sun down," Karen repeated.
"Well we're
leaving, I'm not hanging around a church all night when I've got a nice
big spooky house waiting for me," Elvira exclaimed as she started down the
isle.
"Wait," Taylor
exclaimed.
"What now,"
Elvira asked whirling around.
"Why did we
come here in the first place?!"
Elvira tilted
her head to the side and tapped her fingernail against one of her teeth.
"Oh yeah, duh,"
she laughed shaking her head.
Elvira walked
across the side hall to a chalk board and erased her name from the Bingo
list.
"That's what
we came here for," Taylor nearly yelled at her.
"Uh yeah, I'm
gonna be busy next Tuesday," she replied shaking her head as she headed
for the doors.
"Wait up," they
all called as they ran up behind her.
"What are you
waiting for," Taylor almost finished as Elvira's hand flew up and covered
his mouth.
"Zip it,"
Elvira whispered as she turned her ear to the door and listened.
"What is it,"
Karen breathed quietly.
"Sounds like
they've made it into town," Elvira whispered.
"You mean,"
Taylor started.
"Yeah," Elvira
replied.
"The zombies,"
Taylor asked.
"No, the
Osmonds, who the hell do you think," Elvira hissed through her teeth.
"Gosh, sorry,"
Taylor replied quietly.
"Come on
there's another exit," Elvira whispered as she turned the bolt in the
front door and turned to see Taylor looking still pretty upset at her
snapping at him.
"Oh hey come
on, I'm not mad, besides I think I'd prefer zombies over the Osmonds any
day," she smirked as she poked him in the side causing him to smile.
"Come on," she
whispered as they followed her down a back hallway.
"You sure know
you're way around the back end of a church," Taylor laughed quietly.
"Yeah well as a
gag Father McNulty over at the Protestant church on Halloween sent me over
here to," Elvira caught herself as she saw the look on Karen and Taylor's
face.
"No reason,"
she smiled suddenly laughing nervously.
"Yeah, oh kay,"
Karen laughed.
"I don't get
it," Sphen exclaimed in his heavy Scandanavian accent.
"Shh," Elvira
almost hissed as she put her ear to the next door.
"OK, come on I think
it' safe."
Elvira pushed the
small door open and the four of them stepped out onto a small dark stone
path that lead along the back wall of the church. The moon light gleamed
down casting a blue glow across the large cemetery to their left.
"Great, just what we
need another cemetery," Taylor almost groaned.
"Which is why
shutting up would be a good idea," Elvira replied curling her lip.
"Eww yuck," Elvira
whispered as she saw zombie finger prints on the hood of the Macabr�
Mobile as she sprinted across the front walk of the church.
"What is it," Karen
asked as she emerged from the bushes beside the church.
"One of those goons
got his grubby stumps all over my car," Elvira groaned as she pulled the
door open.
"There are worse
things in life," Karen laughed as they all piled in.
"Yeah, a run in your
hose, a broken nail, a bad hair day," Elvira smirked.
"Which I'm sure
you've never had," Taylor laughed as he poked at the side of Elvira's
bouffant.
"Hey buster, no
touchin' the do," Elvira replied swatting his hand away.
"Sorry."
"Come on, we'll be
safe out at my joint, it's out in the middle of nowhere, and there isn't a
cemetery with in," Elvira trailed off as she looked off to the side down
the street.
"Come on," she
suddenly exclaimed as she turned the car on.
"Something wrong,"
Karen asked as the car lurched forward down the street.
"I just want to get
out of here," Elvira replied as she avoided bringing attention to the fact
that Karen's own parents were just a few yards away, staggering around the
crowd of living dead.
**
"I've never seen your
place before," Karen exclaimed in awe as they rolled up the driveway.
"It's very big," Sphen
smiled as he placed his hand on Elvira's shoulder.
"It is," she exclaimed
stamping the breaks turning around glancing downward.
"Oh I mean, uh, yeah
yeah it is," she laughed realizing she had misunderstood him.
"Huh," Taylor asked
confused.
"So we'll get inside,
get settled and I'll dig around in the attic, see if I can find anything
that will give us a little help, sound good," Elvira asked as she put the
car in park inside the garage.
"Yeah, by the way do
you have any food," Karen asked as Elvira pulled the garage door down.
"Actually, all I
really have stocked are frozen pizzas, microwave pop corn, tons of candy,
lots of soda...." she exclaimed walking up the driveway towards the house.
"Hey you guys come
on," Elvira exclaimed glancing back at them.
"What," she asked as
she watched them all staring in her direction.
Elvira glanced behind
her and stumbled backwards.
There in the sky in
the direction of town swirled a massive bank of black clouds. The night
sky pulsed with lightening as the heavens let down torrents of rain.
"Come on," Elvira
yelped scrambling towards the front porch.
After tumbling into
the front hall Elvira slammed the door and proceeded to turn and throw
numerous sets of bolts and locks which caused everyone to stop and stare
in amazement.
"Oh, yeah, heh," she
chuckled.
"Expecting Satan,"
Karen laughed.
"What, Karen you know
how pushy those Jehova's Witness's can get," she laughed.
"Geeze," Taylor
muttered.
"Hey um, yeah, ok the
kitchen is over there I'm gonna go get changed into something more
comfortable," Elvira replied as she sauntered up the staircase.
"Ok, hey Elvira,
where's," Karen started to ask as Ghonk came tearing around the corner out
from behind the sofa.
"Ghonk," she yelped as
the small poodle leapt through the air and landed on Karen's chest.
"You funny little
thing," she giggled as he licked her face.
"That is one seriously
whacked out dog," Taylor replied staring at it.
"Aww, Ghonk is
precious," Karen defended as Ghonk stared at Taylor.
"Yeah," Taylor asked
as he reached out to pet him.
Taylor yanked his hand
back as Ghonk growled at him bearing his teeth.
"Yeah, about as
precious as a pit bull," Taylor frowned walking into the kitchen.
"You just gotta give
him a chance," Karen laughed.
"I'll pass," Taylor
exclaimed as he faced the refrigerator and it's contents.
After sorting through
numerous generic named sodas and popping two bowls of popcorn the three of
them stepped into the living room and came face to face with Elvira. Clad
in a leopard print bra, French cut silk bloomers and black silk stockings
topped with a sheer robe and fuzzy high heeled slippers.
"Hi," Elvira
exclaimed.
Sphen dropped his bowl
of popcorn and Taylor began to stutter.
"Too much," Elvira
asked as she noticed Taylor and Sphen.
"Maybe... not enough,"
Karen laughed shaking her head.
"What," Elvira asked
as Taylor shook his head and began to help Sphen pick up the pop corn
while attempting to fend off Ghonk who made fast dives and attacks for a
few mouthfuls that had sprinkled across the entryway.
Shrugging off the
reaction Elvira walked across the living room and switched on the
television set. Each channel brought them the same thing. Static.
"Well looks like
whatever is going on has totally screwed up the television reception."
"You mean you don't
have cable," Karen asked in shock.
"Cable, sweetie I'm
lucky to have a telephone!"
"What, can't afford
it," Taylor asked glancing up from the pile of popcorn as Ghonk made
another mad dash.
"No," Elvira dead
panned.
"Then why," Taylor
exclaimed folding his arms.
"They keep sending out
cable guys and for some reason they always seem to get distracted and it
never gets installed."
"Why am I not
surprised," Taylor laughed.
"And what does, Ghonk
stop that," Elvira suddenly snapped at Ghonk chasing him off into the
dining room.
"Come on, there's
gotta be something on the radio," Karen exclaimed as she switched on the
old radio that resembled cabinet and less of a stereo.
"You'll be lucky if
you can pick up static on that thing, it's never worked," Elvira replied
walking back into the room with Ghonk in her arms.
"Well there are
telephones," Taylor stood up and walked across to the phone beside the
sofa.
Just as he began to
reach for the phone the lights went out.
"Great," Karen replied
stumbling in the darkness of the living room.
"Hold on hold on,"
Elvira replied as she struck a match.
With in about five
minutes the room glowed warmly in the illumination of a few sets of large
floor candelabras as well as a few wall mounted sets.
"Good grief, think you
got enough candles," Taylor gasped as he did a three hundred sixty degree
spin in the room.
"Yeah, the last
station I worked at had them in bulk, so every day I'd lift one or two,
slide them up, " Elvira paused glancing up noticing the three of them all
staring at her in shock.
"Slide them up my
SLEEVE, geeze wash your minds out with soap will yah," she winced as she
sat down.
"Hey I didn't say a
word," Taylor laughed.
"Oh, yeah tell Sphen
those candles cost a buck each, I can use all the money I can get so I'd
appreciate it if he'd pull that one out of his shorts," Elvira exclaimed
without looking back.
"I don't have a candle
in my shorts," Sphen replied confused.
Elvira whipped her
head around.
"Oh, my mistake," she
grinned with a twinkle in her eye.
"By the way Sphenny,
how old are you anyway," she asked as she leaned over the back of the
couch.
"I'll be twenty one
next month," he replied in his heavy accent.
"Well in that case,
why don't you come sit down in my lap and tell me whatcha' want for your
birthday," Elvira grinned.
"You can sit over
there, we need to be able to send Sphen home in one piece," Karen frowned
at Elvira.
"What," she asked in
mock confusion.
"Ok, alright I think I
have something," Taylor yelled out from the radio across the room.
Suddenly the Oakridge
Boys could be heard.
"My heart's on fire
for-" the radio started as suddenly a bowl of popcorn flew through the
air, crashing into the face of the radio cutting it off.
"What the hell,"
Taylor yelped as he fell back.
"If I hear that one
more time," Elvira snarled as she stormed into the kitchen.
Before either Karen or
Taylor could follow her they heard a loud creak come from outside on the
front porch.
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