Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, and I wrote this story to cheer myself up. This was written all in fun. Don't take it too seriously. Let's see... There are Highlander people, Forever Knight people, a candy person, some Monty Python references, a Discworld reference, and many, many deranged ideas from my mind. You have been warned. ____________________________________ Kiss My K'Ass by _Ninjababe_ (mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]) ____________________________________ Cassandra stormed through her apartment, pissed off at the recent turn of events. She was so close to killing that evil, evil man who didn't protect her honor all those millennia ago. "So, you are Cassandra? I must say your decorating skills need work. I mean really, orange walls and purple carpets?" a male voice said from behind her. Cassandra whirled to see a man who's hair cut resembled a Q-tip. "Who are you?" she asked as she drew her sword with her perfectly manicured hands. "I am the mighty and great LaCroix. You may genuflect now." he said, gesturing to the floor. "I don't think so. I bow to no man." Cassandra replied as she moved into attack position. "Please! Like gag me with a spoon! Do you think I'd be afraid of a sword?!? Considering that I've had a stake through the heart and then been flame broiled, a puny little sword wouldn't hurt me." LaCroix said, rolling his eyes. "You are getting tired," Cassandra said in an echoing voice. "No actually, I'm getting bored," Lacroix yawned. "And you dudette, need to be chomped. I can't really let you go and hunt Methos down again." "You know Methos?!?" Cassandra asked, astonished. "Yes. I'm his father," LaCroix replied, ignoring the continuity police banging on the door. "No! That's not true!" Cassandra replied in her best Skywalker whiney voice. "No, your right, it's not... Got ya!" LaCroix said evilly as he grabbed Cassandra's sword from her and flung it out the window, killing two men and a canary as it fell to the ground. Cassandra backed up. "What... what are you going to do to me?" she asked, frightened. "I am going to... make you watch MTV!!!" LaCroix said with an insane laugh. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!!!!! I'll watch Nickelodeon! Dukes of Hazard! Even Masterpiece Theatre! But not MTV!!!!" Cassandra screamed, begging for mercy on her knees, her hands in a death grip on his legs. "See, you did genuflect." LaCroix stated as he started to stroll across room. He stopped after a few steps to pry her off his legs. "Where's a crowbar when you need it?" he muttered to himself. "Very well then... you will have to watch Lamchop's Play House. One or the other." LaCroix gave her the choice. "I'd rather die." Cassandra spat out. "That can be arranged," LaCroix said as he clapped his hands. Suddenly, the walls of Cassandra's apartment disappeared, showing a giant middle eastern palace full of scantily clad women wearing belly dancer outfits lying on tiger carpets with wicked looking scimitars and AK-47's next to them. "Who are these women?" Cassandra asked. "These are... my Harem of Doom," LaCroix said in his best low, doom filled voice. "Eeeek! Not that!" Cassandra exclaimed. "You sound just like a cow I know..." LaCroix mused. He shook himself out of his stupor. "Enough of this... Dingo! bring the guillotine!" LaCroix called out. "Right away master!" a high pitched female voice called out. Soon, a scantily clad woman came carrying a small briefcase. Cassandra raised an eyebrow. He was going to cut off her head with a suitcase? "Naughty, naughty Dingo! I meant the big guillotine! We can't use this one, our prisoner isn't a man!" LaCroix admonished. Cassandra took the moment LaCroix was distracted to run for her life. "Harem of Doom! After her!" LaCroix called out. Cassandra ran through the maze of corridors, just a few feet ahead of the daintily screaming women waving their swords and AK-47's around. Suddenly, Cassandra fell into a pit. A pitch dark pit. And we mean a pit so dark, you can't see you hand in front of your face. When Cassandra finally wised up and opened her eyes, she saw that she was in a pit full of zombie like women sitting on straw. Cassandra looked for a way out. The only way out was if she could fly. So, she got up, spread her arms, and ran about the room, making airplane noises. When that didn't work, she stood in the middle of the room and flapped her arms up and down. Another bad idea. Finally, it hit her! She'd find the secret exit! Cassandra found the exit quite quickly. When she opened the door, she found Nick Knight chained to the wall. "Don't I know you?" "Yes. You were my councilor at AA, Angsters Anonymous. I had to drop it, and have been angsting terribly ever since." Nick replied, casually breaking the chains and dusting his clothes off. "Umm... why where you chained to the wall if you could break free?" Cassandra asked. "If I wasn't chained, I couldn't break loose. It's a metaphor of my existance. I am chained, and must break free of my bonds. To do so, I must angst till doomsday, atoning for my non-existant sins." Nick replied soulfully. Cassandra suddenly found she had tears in her eyes. "That was so beautiful! I love you man!" "Forget it! You ain't getting my blood lite!" Nick exclaimed, running off. "Gotcha!" LaCroix exclaimed, grabbing Cassandra and throwing her against the wall. "This is all a dream, right?" Cassandra whined. "Nope Ms. Perfect Manicure. Welcome to Reality." LaCroix said as he raised his sword. Cassandra started to clink her shoes together. "There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Suddenly, Cassandra found herself in a library. She glared at her shoes. "I said 'home' not 'tome'!" Her shoes turned bright red in embarrassment. Cassandra flipped through the books, looking for pictures. She paused every once in a while to scratch in a place only baseball players could scratch in public. Suddenly, the door to the library burst open, and Cassandra looked up to see a pouty lip. "Oh hi Duncan." "I am Duncan MacLeod. You killed my therapist. Prepare to die." "Ummm... Duncan... I didn't kill your therapist. Methos did, remember?" Cassandra said, waving her hands around wildly. "Methos... therapist... Talk to therapist about Methos. Got it." Duncan turned from library door and started to walk down the hall. He turned back, "Oh, by the way, Methos has a message for you: "Listen you shallow bitch. It was 3000 years ago, get over it!" Cassandra's eyes widened in shock. "He would never say that! He loves me!" "Get a clue babe! By the way, nice butt!" Cassandra whirled to see a red M&M with legs and arms drooling at her. "May I help you?" Cassandra asked. "Yah! You can eat me!" the M&M said with a wicked grin. "I beg your pardon!!" Cassandra huffed! "You are one deranged candy." "Well, at least I ain't retaining water. You definitely are. Need some Midol?" the M&M asked. Cassandra glared. "THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!" She advanced toward the M&M, which took a martial arts stance. "Go ahead! give me a reason to practice my candy fu." the M&M stated. "Candy fu?!?" Cassandra asked, perplexed. She backed up as she saw a cute little bunny rabbit hop into the room. "What's the matter? Scared of a little rabbit?" The M&M sneered. "That's no ordinary rabbit! That is death on four legs! With big pointy teeth!" Cassandra yelled as she ran down the hall. She paused to catch her breath after running for ten minutes and was glad to see the M&M or the evil monster wasn't following her. That's when she felt something land in her hair. She looked up to see little white mice parachuting from the ceiling. It took her a few seconds (almost half a minute) to figure out what had landed in her hair. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!" "Either that's Cassandra, or the cow's back," LaCroix stated from down the hall, listening to the echoing cry. "After her girls!" LaCroix watched the Harem of Doom run down the corridor, all their bouncy things bouncing nicely. And synchronized too. Quite hypnotic. He shook himself out of his stupor. The otter tails hanging from the women's diaphanous pants didn't help though. Soon, the women of the Harem of Doom had brought a struggling Cassandra before LaCroix. "I have decided not to kill you Cassandra... not yet anyway." LaCroix stated. "Instead, I am going to put you in charge of twenty hyper first graders. Have fun." "NOOO!" Cassandra screamed, wishing she was dead. "Wish you were dead? Good. Means the plan worked. She's all yours." LaCroix said to the figure in the shadows. "THANK YOU." the cowled figure replied. "IF YOU WOULD HOLD MY SICKLE FOR A MOMENT." After LaCroix took the sickle, the figure shrouded in darkness peered close into Cassandra's face and said, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! AND I'M GOING TO BE THAT ONE." He then pulled a sword out and beheaded Cassandra. After the quickening ended, the figure could be heard to say, "I'D KILL FOR A CURRY ABOUT NOW." "Well, who's going to clean up the mess?" LaCroix asked, hands on hips. The End ____________________________________
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