Warning: this is satire and intended *only* in jest! Passion's Savage Fire
By Molly Schneider Copyright 1999 Chestnut curls framed the heart-shaped face of the lovely medical examiner and her sapphire eyes sparkled with tears as she lifted the necklace from its box of Tiffany blue. A golden heart, studded with diamonds, dangled from a wide gold chain. "Oh, Nick," she gasped, "It's gorgeous. Will you put it on me, please?" With trembling hands he carefully arranged the necklace so that its centerpiece--the symbol of a love he'd never known before--nestled between the creamy swells of her breasts. He dropped to his knees beside her, clasping her hand in both of his and raising his eyes to hers; eyes filled with the pure passion of a knight pledging his troth to his lady, a Crusader pledging his faith to his Cross. "Natalie," he said brokenly. "I love you. I love you more than any woman I've known in 800 years. Say you'll be mine!" "I am yours, Nick," she swore fervently. "I just want us to be together." "We are together." "No, Nick--I mean together!" He frowned thoughtfully. "You mean," he said cautiously, "together?" Making a circle from the thumb and forefinger of one hand he pushed his other forefinger through it. "Like that?" Feeling somewhat affronted, she stood up and looked down on him. "Well, I wouldn't have put it that way, but yes: together." He got to his feet also, carefully brushing carpet lint from the knees of his expensive trousers. "I've told you: that's not possible. I'd kill you." "How, exactly? I mean, you've never really explained this to me. Do you have to drink my blood in order to have sex with me, or is it just something you're likely to do in the heat of passion? And do vampires actually have intercourse, or do you just get off on drinking blood?" He looked like an adolescent virgin when he was shocked. "Nat! Don't talk like that!" "Like what?" "Like a, a ... floozy." "Floozy?! Why you--you 800-year-old man. How dare you! Get out of my office!" "Um, yeah. I'll, uh, call you." He beat a hasty retreat, blond head shining like a beacon as he went out the door. ***** LaCroix was in his office going through the ledgers--not that he needed to, but the Raven's "Industrial Night" never failed to grate on his nerves. Like a toothache, he rather imagined, though he couldn't quite remember what a toothache was like. A firm rapping on the door promised a welcome distraction and he said "Come in," without asking who it was first. A heavy sigh rose in his chest as that damned annoying coroner walked in, businesslike in a red suit that clashed terribly with her hair. "Doctor Lambert," he said, rising automatically. "I presume you'd only come here if there was something you thought I could do for you." She took a seat without asking; he dropped back in his chair and tried not to glare at her. "I need information, LaCroix." "Indeed?" "Vampires. Sex. What about it?" Despite himself his eyes widened. "Are you making me an offer, Doctor? I'm... flattered, but I really must decline--" "Don't be ridiculous. Nick clams up with embarrassment every time I ask him, so I'm asking you: how do vampires have sex? I mean, is there actual intercourse involved, or just bite-and-suck?" Importunate woman! What on earth his son saw in her, he would never imagine. Oh, well, if he just told her the facts maybe she'd be out of his office that much faster. "Since all that is required for arousal is stimulated nerve endings and blood-filled erectile tissue, of course we can have intercourse. Our stamina being what it is, we can have intercourse, of various kinds, for hours, even days on end if we so wish. Sexual lust, though, is inevitably accompanied with bloodlust; so much so that 'bite-and-suck', as you put it, is the trigger to our climaxes. Does that....satisfy you, Doctor?" "So Nick would kill me." "Not necessarily. Unfortunately, self-control is but one of the many lessons I've failed to drum into my son's head, despite my best efforts. I'm afraid that Nicholas, despite his many charms, is a bit of a dolt, really." "You ain't whistling Dixie," she muttered. "Pardon?" "Never mind. If you do wind up killing your partner, isn't that rather uncomfortable? I mean, just having had sex with your meal?" "Mortals are not my 'partners', Doctor, and no--I've never found it uncomfortable at all." He smiled at her. It wasn't a pleasant smile. She stood up hastily, clearing her throat. "Thank you, LaCroix, you've been most helpful." He ignored her proffered hand. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Doctor." ***** Ring. Ring. Click. "Nick, it's Nat. If you're there, pick up." He started guiltily. He'd said he'd call her and he hadn't, but that last conversation of theirs had been a little unsettling. By firmly focusing on her kindness and compassion and reminding himself over and over that she was a scientist he'd managed to keep his inner vision of her firmly on its pedestal, but just barely. "Nick?" "Hi, Nat. What's up?" "I know how we can be together. I know you have to bite me to make love with me, and I'm willing to take the risk." "Nat, I won't let you take that chance. I've told you over and over: I might kill you." "It's my decision, Nick. If you kill me, then I have faith that we'll be together in the afterlife." "You do?" He sank down on the couch and said gently, "What is it? What have you done? You can tell me." "Huh? What are you talking about?" "I mean, I've always figured that you'd do a few years in Purgatory--you know, fornication, drunkenness, stuff like that--but what have you done that's so serious you'll wind up in Hell with me?" Natalie held the phone away from her ear and stared at it for a moment. She hadn't exactly forgotten that Nick was a Catholic, she'd just never taken it in account that he was for all purposes a medieval Catholic. Furthermore, his last religious encounter had been with the martyred Joan of Arc... "Nick, listen to me. I'm not going to Hell and neither are you." "Yes I am, Nat. Remember when I was shot and had that near-death experience? Trust me, I'm going to Hell." "No, you're not. I have faith, Nick. I'm hoping we won't have to find out yet, but if it comes to that, I know we'll be together. Forever. Now, I'll be over tomorrow night, just after sunset." "Well. OK. I guess." ***** The handsome blond in the leather jacket looked surreptitiously up and down the aisle, a rather furtive gesture for a library. Drawing a pair of heavy gloves from his pocket he slipped them on and took a heavy book from the shelf, flipping rapidly through the tissue-thin pages. The line of concern between his brows deepened, and he paged rapidly back and forth several times before returning the book through the shelf and glaring at it as if it were hiding something from him. No answer there. That meant he'd have to try Plan B. As he left the library he wished they manufactured seasickness pills for vampires. The voice from the other side of the grill was a trifle strained as it ran rapid-fire through the familiar opening phrase: "BlessmefatherforIhavesinned..." Father Bosley went through his own part of the routine rather mechanically, stifling a sigh went the man told him reluctantly that he'd rather not say when the last time he'd been to confession was. No, they never did, did they? At last they got to the heart of the matter. "Father, the Bible says that in heaven there is neither marriage nor giving in marriage." "That is true, my son." "What about, um, uh...fornication?" "I beg your pardon?" "The woman I love, you see--she says we'll be, you know, together in Heaven. What do you think, Father?" "Together?" "Um, yeah. Together." Father Bosley rubbed his hands over his face. Where did people come up with these notions? "No, my son, I'm afraid not. If you and your girlfriend wish to be 'together,' as you put it, my best advice is to marry and enjoy your life here on earth." "Thank you, Father. You've been a big help to me." ***** The aroma of popcorn (Theater Style Extra Butter Flavor!) struck Natalie as the elevator door slid open. Nick greeted her with a wide smile and an armful of videos. "Hi, Nat." "Nick? I am not dressed for a night of videos." "Don't worry about it, you look fine." Fine? Fine? She'd spent a hefty sum on the pale peach dress and on the new hairstyle. She'd even had her nails done, in "Passion's Promise." "This wasn't what we had planned for tonight." He explained as he led her over to the couch. "Look, Nat, I went to the library and read the Bible again--" "The Bible?" "Yeah. It's OK, I wore heavy gloves--" "You read it? The whole thing?" "Well, I just skimmed all the 'begat' parts. Anyway, all it said was that in Heaven there is neither marriage nor giving in marriage. So I went to St. Agnes--" "St. Agnes?" "It was the closest church." "You went to a church?" "Nat, if you keep interrupting me your popcorn will get cold. Anyway, I went to St. Agnes and talked to the priest there. He said there was no way to be together in Heaven and the best thing to do was to get married." "Married?" He looked deep into her eyes. "Marry me, Natalie. Please?" Marriage. Children. A split-level in the suburbs. Not exactly what she had in mind, but... he had the most beautiful little-boy eyes. That soft, sexy mouth. "Do you think we can find a Justice of the Peace at this time of night?" "Nat, I want our wedding to be perfect. A Justice of the Peace won't do. Father Bosley said we could have the ceremony in six weeks." "Six weeks?!" "We have to go through pre-marital counseling now; it's required by the Church. And there's the reception to plan, the invitations to send out, your dress to be made..." "All that," she said, "and you might kill me anyway?" "Well, yes, but at least we'd be married." He beamed at her. She stood up, unfastening the Tiffany necklace, and threw it at him. "Nat?" "Forget it, Nick. Just forget it. My knight in shining armor, huh? You've got as much romance and passion in you as, as--one of my patients!" "Nat!" "I want to be swept off my feet, not have them bound. Welcome to the twentieth century, Nick Knight!" She turned sharply on her heel and marched out of the door, humming "I Am Woman" as she went. After a moment Nick picked up the phone. When she answered, he asked, "Janette? Do you think I'm romantic? Capable of sweeping a woman off her feet?" There was a rather long pause before she carefully said, "Well, I know that you've often made me want to take to my bed." He beamed. "That's what I thought. Wanna come over and watch movies?" "No." Oh, well. He dumped the popcorn in the trash and sprayed the air with a neutralizer, then popped the director's cut of "Lawrence of Arabia" in the VCR and settled comfortably on the couch. FIN ************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.
