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AUSTIN, Texas � OK, sign me up for
the Bush program. I'm aboard. Who else can we insult, offend, bribe,
blackmail, threaten, intimidate, wiretap or otherwise infuriate?
Getting the Canadians seriously mad
at us took real work. Our latest ploy in that direction was to
contemptuously reject their compromise that had a few more days' delay
in it than the British-U.S. version. Then, when our version didn't fly,
we decided on a few more days' delay ourselves � without, of course, the
contempt.
Then, to add to the festivities of
"Let's Tick Off the Next-Door Neighbors Week," we started leaning on
Vicente Fox of Mexico. Our ambassador to Mexico, Tony Garza, said: "Will
American attitudes be placated by half-steps or three-quarter steps? I
kind of doubt it." An unnamed American "diplomat" was quoted as saying
it could "stir up feelings" here if Mexico voted against us, and does
Mexico "want to stir the fires of jingoism during a war?"
President Bush said, "I don't
expect there to be significant retribution from the government (what's
significant?), but there might be a reaction like the interesting
phenomena taking place here in America about the French, a backlash
against the French, not stirred up by anybody except the people." For
those who oppose the United States, "there will be a certain sense of
discipline."
George W. Bush in chains and black
leather. Why should we care that the overwhelming majority of the
Mexican people are opposed to this war? To hell with democracy in Mexico
� we're for democracy in Iraq. That's us: If you don't give us
everything we want, you're with the terrorists. Anyone who questions
anything we do is supporting Saddam Hussein, and dissent is treason. I
love it.
Next up, Tony Blair, the first
casualty of the war. How very smart to fall out with our closest ally.
Nice going by Donald Rumsfeld, suggesting that we can't count on the
Brits. They've already got 45,000 troops in the Middle East.
We've already ticked off the Pope,
and now a tiff with Israel � outstanding. But we haven't done anything
to Paraguay yet. How about doing something to annoy the Paraguayans?
We could have Rumsfeld make one his
statesmanlike remarks such as, "Nyah, nyah, Asuncion sucks." And why
leave out Mali? Mali is a silly name for a country. This is fun. Let's
go insult some goobers in the South Pacific, too � say, Tonga. Don't
leave out the Scots. Their guys wear skirts. Burkina Faso, now there's a
dump. Only morons would name their capital Ouagadougou. Hee-hee. This is
more fun than junior high school.
A French journalist observed in
horrified wonder Tuesday: "Mon Dieu, Bush has made Jacques Chirac into a
hero. Jacques Chirac!" What a little miracle-man that George W. Bush is.
He has that wonder-working power.
One can hardly say enough about the
courageous action of the U.S. House Administration Committee in renaming
French fries "Freedom Fries" at the House cafeteria. In these critical
times, it's good to know we can count on House Republicans. They'll
teach those cheese-eating surrender monkeys a thing or two. (Guys, did
you really have to just hand the French this one? That has to be the
slowest pitch on record.)
This was in addition to Republicans
trading tasteless anti-French jokes publicly during a hearing with Colin
Powell. Just for the record, there are 6,000 French troops currently
serving as peacekeepers in Afghanistan and the Balkans. As they keep
watch in places they'd rather not be, I'm sure they all appreciate your
gestures. Likewise, the Germans � described by Rumsfeld as a "pariah
state" � have 10,000 troops in Afghanistan and the Balkans.
Have you ever seen such amazing
arrogance wedded to such awesome incompetence?
Chickens coming home to roost all
around. Turns out the reason some of the African nations are sticking
with the French is because they get more in foreign aid from the French
than they do from us. Thank you, Jesse Helms, for your many years of
work destroying American aid programs.
Of course, we don't need the United
Nations. Why should we worry about peacekeeping, nation-building or
international cooperation on global problems when we can buy our
friends, bully our allies and bomb everybody else? What a glorious
future.
Copyright 2003
Creators Syndicate | 