Re: debating children of divorce

[Drnanjo]

Jim and all,

Thanks for sharing that with us.

I think the common-sense conclusion of this research, (similar to other controversial topics such as day care & development) etc. is that it is not so much the STATE but the conditions of the individual's situation. Parents who work to overcome their animosity and take the children's needs into consideration will almost certainly reduce the stress of the divorce on their children. The problem is not the question of divorce versus remaining married, the problem is "can we treat each other civily and kindly?" This would really be the same issue if parents choose to remain married - but remaining married for the sake of the children, and then torturing each other every day (because very few people are saintly enough to live with this kind of sacrifice, nor should they be forced to do so), will be just as damaging as a conflictual divorce, and probably more damaging than a relatively amicable one.

It is disingenous to tout the idea that a child's world will be shattered by the divorce of the parents as if his or her world will not be equally shattered by the revelation that the parents are indifferent to or even loathe each other. Children do adjust. And we all learn eventually that life is disappointing and involves a fair amount of loss. We sometimes don't give children enough credit in these matters.

My belief is that we should use the results of all such research to look at the ways we can optimize the conditions. Support people who divorce or choose to stay together in their efforts to be amicable, support working parents and stay at home parents in creating excellent child care environments, and not expend so much energy moralizing at people to do it one way or the other because "that's the right thing to do." The right thing to do is the thing that is most likely to work for the benefit of all parties.

Nancy Melucci
LACCD ---
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