Early. Can't sleep. Just brewed some coffee. I'll go out later
this
morning. It's inviting out there. South Georgia has returned to its senses.
The weather
channel says it's in the balmy high 50s. No more heavy grubbies. Shorts and a
t-shirt
are the order of the pre-dawn morning. I love that time of the day. It's my
meditation
time, a time for me to get quiet and go within. It's a time I bring my music
inside me
outside; when I listen to my intuitive inner voice, when I connect with the
passion that
stirs my soul, and when I tap into the forces of love and living.
Things are kinda quiet around here. It'll be almost a month before
I start
once again doing what I love and loving what I do--and making a living loving
and doing
it! Final grades are in. All last week I had to use two tiles of my Spiritual
Alphabet
each day to keep me high during that downer of that very uneducational and
unrewarding and
unfulfilling process. Maybe quiet is the wrong word. Susan will be handing me
rolls of
paper today to wrap the Chanukah gifts for our west coast grandkids. It's not
enough that
we'll need a separate suitcase for all that stuff, she went out yesterday and
came back
after too many hours giggling with an armful of more girly stuff for the girls
in both San
Mateo and Nashville! I think this year Chanukah is going to need fifteen days
of candle
lighting and gift giving.
Anyway, this morning, I'm thinking of a Bar Mitzvah that's going to
occur at
the synagogue this weekend before we leave for the west coast. I just found
out that the
bar mitzvah boy, Jacob, as his "mitzvah (good deed) project" had created "There
is Hope"
baseball caps that he had given each patient at the regional hospital's cancer
center.
He's going to present me one during his bar mitzvah speech. That brought back
memories of
a real-time, on-line conversation I had had a few weeks ago with a student from
the spring
semester of 2005 when I was recovering from my cancer operation. Hers was the
class that
gave me the blue band I now wear on my right wrist. She discovered three weeks
ago that
her mother has a "tiny lump" in her breast and is going in for a biopsy. She
had e-mailed
me just to talk. At her request, I had sent her copies of the four Random
Thoughts I had
written specifically about my cancer beginning with, "I Am a Cancer Survivor"
and
finishing with "What Really Matters."
She "called back" and we had a long conversation. I had saved it
and have
been reading it every now and then to keep up as I was dragged down by final
grading.
This is the tail end of some of our long exchange, mostly my part of the
conversation.
With her permission, I'd like to share it with you. It has to do with renewal
and
resilience:
"....Some Christmas gift, huh? How were you able to talk of your
cancer in
your classes with your students or anyone? I remember when you came back to
class. Damn,
you weren't embarrassed or ashamed. If anything you were as upbeat and open
with us as
hell. Remember, you told us about your catheter and to tell you if we saw it
or your bag
was leaking and it was like you gave _____permission to talk about her cancer.
And, there
was ____who shared with us her struggles about her father's death from cancer
that
December before and how it was effecting her concentration, and _____ who could
think of
nothing but her mother who was stricken with colon cancer....Why did you do
it?"
"I respected you. You know that. You were in class."
"Yeah, but I need to hear it again. Somehow I just can't get the
words out of
my mouth like you and they did. I am so scared of what might happen that I
don't want to
get out of bed in the morning....I just don't see how it can be merry around
here....the
lights, the tree, the shopping, the gifts, all just don't seem right, at least,
not as
bright and cheery....I just feel as cold inside as it is outside...."
"....That's the point, isn't it? I told all of you, and I live my
words, that
if you are thinking about, talking about, and spending energy on what is
missing in your
lives, what is wrong, what you don't like, what you are afraid of, or what
always has
been, then you're going to continue to attract those negative and limiting, even
paralyzing, things into your life--and your going to miss a lot of beautiful
things both
inside it and around it. They, I, you, we become what we think about. When you
see
beauty, you'll become a more beautiful person; when you see fear, you become a
more
fearful person. Remember, I asked you that first day, 'What do want in your
life,
nightmares or dreams? Do you want to feel drained, sad, and bad about yourself
or
energetic, happy, and good about yourself?' I don't have to tell you what your
and
everyone's answer was. Did you forget that I told you that you're in a class
with that
energy that creates a space for exactly what you want? Remember the piece of
paper I
handed out with the words I have taped on the shelf over my computer? I'm
looking at it
right now as I look at it every morning. I don't know where I got it. It
says,
'Attitude is everything. So, pick a good one." So, I ask you now. What do
you want in
your life? ..Teaching as a teacher, learning as a student, and living as human
being is
all in the same mix, aren't they? Attitude creates your intention; it focuses
your focus;
it's the fuel for your performance, and cancer has affected my attitude as it
is yours.
It's a simple formula: change the way you look at yourself, others, and things
around
you, they change the way they look and you change; when you change, you change
what you
believe you can do; change that belief and you'll change what you do..Jump out
of bed and
grab hold of that life, don't waste it. My cancer has made me realize even
more than I
had that each day of life is important. Every moment of each day is a moment
of grace.
As a teacher, not to share that grace, not to help others see that no day is
ordinary, not
to serve others is a betrayal to every hour I'm offered. I've become an
unstoppable me to
hold on to and soar with the no-limit feeling I was born with, had lost, and
have now
rediscovered. So, I write and talk about having had cancer to keep myself
conscious of
and to awaken yours and everyone's consciousness to the simple truth that we
must
professionally and personally live each day to the fullest in the service of
others. Elie
Wiesel once wrote, "No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged
from the
kingdom of night." I think I would say I come from such an emergence. I had
cancer; in
that darkness, I saw the light. I saw how fragile life is; I got hit square
between the
eyes with that reality of not knowing how many tomorrows I had; I had and
still have to
face the reality of my mortality; I have to live with the consequent physical
side-effects
of having had cancer. That realization created a transcendent wonder of
myself, others,
and things around me. It helps me not to lose my joy for life, to stay at
peace within
myself, to be grateful for the day's promise. My emotions are on the surface
more acutely
than they ever had been. You saw me choke up when I told you all the story of
Kim and my
painted pinky nail. You saw me tear up when you gave me that cancer band. I
was not
embarrassed to tell you I loved each of you. I was not ashamed to have you
stand and
applaud your own ability after the 'Neil Diamond Project.' What turns me on is
a clue to
who I am and what I can accomplish. Trust me, if you concentrate on finding
whatever is
good in every situation, of finding the light in the darkest of dark, you will
discover
that your life is filled with a nurturing feeling of gratitude. Doing that
makes me into
a walking postal service."
"Walking postal service?....."
"Neither rain nor snow nor cold nor heat nor gloom will stay me
from loving
each day and seeing the reasons to be happy all around me. I just told some
e-colleagues
when we have feeling and thoughts that include others--a thought of kindness,
or a thought
of love, or a thought of belief, or a thought of hope--we draw on the powerful
power of
intention..
"Is that why you still tell your students about your cancer, and
your epiphany
fifteen years ago, as well as the story of your painted pinky nail, when they
ask during
your "What do you want to know about me" session at the beginning of each
semester?
"Yeah. You know it's always one of the first parts of my week-long
"Getting
to Know ya" classroom community building process." It's one of the three strong
connecting threads we use to start weaving community. And, it proves to be
powerfully
lasting, doesn't it..
"Yeah. That's why I'm talking with you. I need to hear your
voice. Tell me
again, please..."
"When students ask me about the yellow and blue bands around me
right wrist, I
tell that I am a cancer survivor and I choke up when I tell them that the blue
band was a
"we're here for you" and a "we're glad you conquered the sucker" gift from all
those in
your class. I tell them the same thing I say to myself, "inspire myself to
aspire" is a
better way to put it, each day I awake and plant my feet firmly on the carpet
and whisper
to myself so I don't wake up my angelic Susan, "what a day this is. There are
great
things to do today!" I tell them that I learned from having had cancer not to
waste the
only thing I've got: this moment of today. Today is a new day and it is a
good day. No,
it is a great day. You see, this day is unique; it's irreplaceable. There's
no such
thing as an ordinary day. I, everyone, every thing is different from
yesterday. It's
all new! It's all adventure! It's all exciting. It's filled with untold
opportunities
and possibilities..Don't take anything for granted today. Be surprised today,
be curious
today, be fascinated today, and love yourself and others with all you have
today. Be
grateful for today and you'll never take anything for granted, you'll never be
unresponsive, you'll be constantly awakening to new wonder, and you'll discover
the beauty
and goodness around you, inside others, and inside you today."
"....It sounded so easy back then. Now, it doesn't...."
"Well, it still isn't, never was, and never will be. You've
forgotten what
you had to do. You've forgotten that you had to work at it each day."
"Coming to think of it, it was like taking an attitude one-a-day
vitamin pill.
But, I also had to go for a daily spirit, soul, attitude, emotion, feeling, and
action
workout. That's what the journaling was for, wasn't it? Man, I sweated at
doing
that...."
"Bingo. The first principle of my teaching is to be happy and feel
good, to
love the place I am in and being in the moment I'm in and what I am doing and
serving
others. As you take that vitamin, as you do that workout, you'll have feelings
that
exclude no one, that are thoughts of abundant love, kindness, faith, hope, and
beauty.
You'll get grabbed by a feeling so vital it will expand in every direction
without limits.
Then, you'll go on a rampage of appreciation of the new world you'll find
yourself in
every single moment of every day. It's what keeps me renewed and resilient.
It'll work
for you if you let it grab you. I'm not always successful. But, doggone, I
keep working
on me. And, slowly, oh so slowly, I'm getting there.
"Where do the students fit in? Tell me again....?"
"You just said it. To be happy and feel good is the first
principle of
learning as well. You, for one, were one of those who got caught up in it.
It's what's a
psychiatrist named Carl Jung called 'synchronicity.' As I vibrate, everything
around me
will be similarly vibrated, or at least have the choice to vibrate. It's about
modeling.
It's this attitude I struggle to use as more than a mere guide in my personal
life. This
is the attitude I struggle to use as more than a mere guide to everything I do
in the
classroom. This is the attitude I struggle to live. I struggle for it to be
me. And, I
struggle to model it for others so they, you, can learn to model it
yourself...."
"....You know, I just finished watching 'Actors Studio.' Now, I'm
going to be
a James Lipton in 'Teachers Classroom' and ask you a form of the last question
he always
asks his guest. What would like to say to God at Heaven's gates if you had
time for only
one sentence?"
I thought for more than a minute and wrote back, "Whew! I have
nothing left
because I gave it everything I had to touch someone and make a difference."
"Nice. Thanks. Can I write you again?..."
"....Wouldn't have it otherwise....Have a happy, merry, and all
that."
And we both clicked off-line.
Make it a good day.
--Louis--
Louis Schmier www.therandomthoughts.com
Department of History www.newforums.com/L_Schmier.htm
Valdosta State University
Valdosta, Georgia 31698 /\ /\ /\ /\
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