He had called my home: several times. I checked the class final grade
roll. He
had flunked the course. He had e-mailed me: several times. I went to his
transcript.
He had been placed on second academic suspension. I understood his constant
attempt to
contact me. He desperately needed more than just a passing grade. But, he
hadn't done
much, if any, work in class. Though I am not on campus during the summer
months, I
finally returned his call. We talked. From conversations we had last
semester, I could
have written the script of this conversation. Unfortunately, I was right.
I told him that he had known what he had to do. All the course
requirements were
detailed in the syllabus. I reminded him that everyone had received an "A"
that first day
of class and had been told exactly what they had to do to keep it. I asked him
if he
remembered both the many times he and others in the class heard me reiterate
those
responsibilities and our eyeball-to-eyeball talks. Parts of our conversation
went
something like this:
I finally asked him the seminal question, "If you knew what it would
take not to
get suspended for a second time, why didn't you do it?"
Out poured the excuses, explanations, and rationales: he had to work a
lot of
weird hours; his boss didn't understand; his roommates wouldn't pay for a
computer hookup;
it was inconvenient to work on projects; his community members weren't
understanding and
cooperative; "you taught in a way I wasn't used to;" his parents financially
cut him off
when he was first suspended; he had to focus on another subject to make up
work; his
residence was flooded out; his computer was 'messed up;' his roommates never
studied; he
couldn't say "no" when his friends wanted to party; and on and on and on it
went.
I parried the thrust of each excuse. We talked some more. Finally, I
quietly,
patiently, but firmly, explained, "You're a 'blame addict.' You're using
everyone and
everything in the book as an excuse for failure. Pull that blame stuff for not
doing your
job on the job and you're out of a job. Nothing is going to change until you
kick that
habit. Until you start taking responsibility for your own choices, you'll ask
everyone
else to change; but, you won't see the need to change your ways...If I changed
your grade
just to help stay in college, I'd be feeding your habit. So, what good would I
be to you?"
"....and I thought you were such a great teacher," he ended a plea with
an attempt
to massage my ego.
Thinking of Monica, I replied. "What you need is not a great
teacher--or even a
poor one--who does something to you."
"And what do I need?" he asked with an obviously mixed tone of
curiosity,
defiance, innocence, unawareness, and sarcasm.
"....You need you! You need to believe what you're capable of doing,
trust
yourself that you can, have pride in yourself and everything you have to do, be
unconditionally dedicated to going after nothing less than excellence, have
faith in
yourself, be invested in what's going on and what you're after, be committed to
that
investment with unexcused persistence, be focused and to do what you know you
ought to do
to get things done, and then just do it."
After I listed all of his errant ways in class, he said, "I guess I
made some
mistakes. Life sure slapped me in the face."
"There's that blame again. First it was community members, roommates,
bosses, me,
floods, computers, friends, and parents. And now, it's life. Where are you in
all of
this? Face it and face up to it! You were slapping yourself in your own face,
and that
was your choice. You chose to let these supposed slaps stop you dead in your
tracks. You
won't understand this now, but you may later on: a mistake is just a disguised
chance to
learn, grow, and change. Sometimes it takes a hard lesson to see that. Trust
me, I know.
I've been there when I was your age...You always have a chance to make new
choices.
Here's your chance to look at yourself in the mirror and ask some hard
questions of
yourself. But, remember it's not just the questions you ask. Those are words.
And, it's
not even the answers you come up with, however honest and uncomfortable they
may be.
Those, too, are only words. To break that habit of blaming, you've got to live
the words.
You've got to make the answers become a value system that guides everything you
feel,
think, and do every day. But, it's got to be sincere rather than a mere
gimmick.
Otherwise, it will be so easy to fall off the wagon at the slightest bump in
the road...."
"....Well, what's the trick to doing that?"
"Getting help. I'm willing to help you help yourself. That's what my
teaching is
all about. But, again, you've got to be willing. Understand that doing it
isn't a card
trick; you don't pull anything out of a hat; it isn't a wand you merely wave;
it isn't an
'on' switch you just throw. 'Easy' is not part of the rules of the game. It's
an
attitude you slowly acquire by slogging through your 'stuff.' It's finding the
strength
to live the 'Words For The Day' I once wrote on the whiteboard: 'If you want
to do it, it
can be done; and, if it can be done, do whatever it takes for however long it
takes to do
it.' Call it a self-respect that won't let you do to yourself what you've been
doing.
There is no quick and easy way to do that....Like coming off any habit, you
just have to
go through the agonizing pains of withdrawal. But, and it's a big 'but,'
you've got to
want to become 'clean'...."
"....You said that you didn't believe in grades. So, changing my grade
shouldn't
mean all that much to you."
"....I don't believe in the value of grades. However, I do believe in
values.
But, you didn't make the grade when it came to such values of self-respect,
responsibility, dedication, commitment, team work, integrity, honesty, and the
pursuit of
excellence that you need to apply if you want to achieve anything. It's easy
to do
something that's easy, something that you like to do, and something you want to
do; the
real test of your mettle is doing something when you don't want to do it or
like doing it,
but do it anyway and give it all you've got. That's why 'hard' is one of the
rules and
'easy' is not. You once told me you like to work out. Well, so do I. But,
staying in
shape is called a 'work out.'" Why? Because neither you nor I can just say,
'Poof, we're
in shape.' We've got to work at working out and be dedicated to a regimen of
working at
working out. It takes time, energy, effort, sweat, inconvenience, discomfort,
and an ache
or two. It's no different with anything else in life: sports, job,
relationships,
academics, everything. There....is....no....gain....without....pain!"
".....Well, I've learned my lesson. Really. If you let me into your
class again,
I'll bust my ass."
"How are you going to get into my class again?"
"You have to change my grade...."
"....I haven't heard one 'amen' coming from you. Every one of your 'I
know' has a
tone of 'stop lecturing me and just do as I ask.' I won't. I'll say it one
last time.
Just because you're hooked on blame doesn't mean you have to stay hooked. You
can change
direction any time and any way you choose to. You should have figured out by
now that
your choices have consequences. If and when you want to find and find a way to
change
your choices, the consequences will be different."
"I heard you, but it'll be easier for me if you do me a favor of
changing my
grade. What you're asking is hard."
"But, not impossible! ....I'm not here to make it 'easier' or to do 'a
favor.'
You won't have a chance of breaking your blame habit and becoming a responsible
believer
if I was. No, I won't change your grade. I can't. 'I' won't let me."
I'm sure he didn't or didn't want to understand because for almost
another hour we
kept going over and over and over the same ground as he vainly tried to get me
to give in.
Finally, with a sigh and a shake of my head, I ended the conversation. I
clicked off my
cell phone, opened the backdoor, and strolled out into my garden for a life
rejuvenating
conversation with my flowers.
Make it a good day.
--Louis--
Louis Schmier http://www.therandomthoughts.com
Department of History
http://www.therandomthoughts.edublogs.org
Valdosta State University
Valdosta, Georgia 31698 /\ /\ /\ /\
(229-333-5947) /^\\/ \/ \ /\/\__/\ /\/\
/ \/ \_ \/ /
\/ /\/
\ \ /\
//\/\/ /\
\__/__/_/\_\ \_/__\
/\"If you want to climb
mountains,\ /\
_ / \ don't practice on mole
hills" -
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