As we all know, students get most of their useful daily life info from outside of their college classes and from a variety of sources. For dudes it might be sources like Maxim, FHM and other sources depending upon where he falls in the multidimensional jock/geek/lamer/loser dude space. Females have their own sources and a classic one is Cosmopolitan magazine or its website. A current article on the website advises young women on how to guage where their relationship is going by the 4th date, perhaps in an effort to avoid the "sunk cost effect" of being in a relatioship with a loser. See: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/dating-advice/fourth-date-tips?src=rss
I am particularly struck by this calculating, rational approach to relationships not because women seem to be engaging in a cost-benefit analysis of their relationsip but because over the weekend I watched the movie "(500) Days of Summer". For those unfamiliar with the movie, Summer, a character played by Zooey Deschanel, gets into a "relationship" with a dude who is hopelessly in love with her, a character named Tom Hansen played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Now Tom is one of those saps who believes in "true love" and thinks that his feelings for Summer are also mirroed within her. Of course, the goofball is blind to the fact that she has no such feelings for him and really gets sucker punched when he gets invited to a party that Summer is throwing where he leaens that she is engaged to get married to some guy he was unaware of. Now, the key point here is that Summer is being the rational and assertive one while Tom is hopelessly in love. A woman like Summer would probably read the Cosmo article and think "file for future reference". A guy's reaction would probably depend upon their general attitude toward woman and where they were in a relationships (i.e., in or out, love or hate stage, etc.). How macho they are and whether they follow advice attributed to Hemingway's "You lose it if you talk about it." (with apologies to James W. Pennebacker). They might say, "Yeah, it figures" or "No way". In listening to the commentary track to the "(500) Days of Summer" which contain commentary by the director, writer, and Tom, it is somewhat surprising to hear how naive they are with respect to relatiionships. I wondered if they had seen the movie "Employee of the Month" (not the one with Dane Cook but with Matt Dillon and Steve Zahn) in which Jack (Steve Zahn) gives a speech that almost parallels the position espoused by Summer regarding love, namely, it's like Bigfoot: a lot of people have claimed to see it but no one has any evidence of its existence. For psychological relevance, Jack attempts to explain why men and women differ in this regard (i.e., guys don't believe in love because they depend upon a hit of dopamine and the novelty of having sex with different women keeps one from developing tolerance to the dopamine high while women get an oxytocin high which tends to make them want to keep the guy close -- the neurochemistry might be a little wrong but you get the idea, I hope). Jack is trying to convince David that true love doesn't exist and that he should just get his head straight. You really have to see the entire movie to appreciate what it is about, including up to the final scene after the end of the credits; see: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0362590/ It shows up now and then on the IFC channel. Now, when I heard Jack saying this I thought, well, that's just some dude spouting some sexist stuff because Jack is busy having sex with exotic dancers and the like while David has settled into a relationship that he thinks is "it" for his life. It was surprising to hear Summer take Jack's line and present from a female perspective. I wondered, I thought it was sexist when Jack said it, what should I think when Summer says it? Maybe being in relationship is a couple parts intense insane emotional and physical reactions and a couple parts of calculating cost-benefit analysis about what to expect over the short-term and the long-term. Perhaps I should be be less surprised about the "4th Date Test" because I was already familiar with it. Nonetheless, like Tom in "(500) Days of Summer", perhaps I too am a hostage of a history of pop culture sensibilities about love and romance. By the way, although Tom learns about this, he doesn't go all cynical and nihilistic but it is not at all clear that he has learned the lesson. His next girl friend is named "Autumn". -Mike Palij New York University [email protected] --- You are currently subscribed to tips as: [email protected]. To unsubscribe click here: http://fsulist.frostburg.edu/u?id=13090.68da6e6e5325aa33287ff385b70df5d5&n=T&l=tips&o=1020 or send a blank email to leave-1020-13090.68da6e6e5325aa33287ff385b70df...@fsulist.frostburg.edu
