I went out for a swim on the streets this morning about 4:30 into the
inky, humid darkness. It wasn't but a couple of blocks that I was wondering
about Barbara. A few days ago, Barbara had called--again. This is just about
how part of our conversation went. Just don't hold me to word for word.
"Barbara,' I chuckled, "I'm starting to feel like a blueberry bush that you
feel you can pick over and over whenever you're hungry."
"You bet," she answered with a counter-chuckle. "I have a question for
you, Schmier. My teacher up here exploded on me because I answered something
wrong and told me in class in front of everyone in no uncertain terms that I'm
wrong to think I can be a teacher. How that f*** would he know. He's such a
shit. He's not a real teacher even if he gives out the grades!
"So, where's the question?" I interrupted.
"It was the look on his face and the disrespectful tone in his voice.
He made me think I didn't think I have what it takes. I left the class in tears
and have this sudden 'what's wrong with me' feeling."
"Did he make you think or you did you make you think?" I interrupted
again.
"I know, but he's always so cold and smileless and negative about us.
He picks on lots of others in the class. Yesterday was my day. What would you
say to him?"
My simple, but challenging, answer was, "Nothing."
"What do you mean 'nothing?"
I could hear her surprised and disappointed tone as she screeched in my
ear. "It's not what I would say to him; it's what I'm going to say to you.
"What's that?"
"Just this. Do what I tell you to do and then get back to me. Go into
your room tonight with some matches and a candle. Close the drapes or blinds.
Turn off the lights. No IPod. Just sit there for a few minutes in the silent
darkness. Then, strike a match, look around, and blow it out. Then, strike
another match, light the candle, hold it, look around, and think. Get back to
me tomorrow and tell me what happened."
"What? I don't get it."
"Just do it."
"You're crazy. But, I know you've got something up your sleeve. Ok."
We hung up. Next day, Barbara called. "What happened? I asked.
"I did what you told me to do."
"And?"
"The room wasn't dark anymore."
"So what did you learn?"
She paused, and answered in the form of a question as if she was s
contestant on Jeopardy, "That the dark can't stand up to even one small match
or a lit candle?"
"And?"
Another pause. "That I am my own match and candle, and no one can snuff
it out and put me into the dark except me?" she slowly and hesitatingly answer
as another question.
"So?"
"So, I always have to light and keep my own candle lit to keep the dark
away?"
"Lesson learned," I calmly said. "Now, I admit that's not easy,
especially day after day. It's like fighting a constant war against people who
want to make you into someone who they want you to be, maybe even a war against
yourself. But, it's worse if you admit defeat, stop believing who you are
capable of becoming, let the fun and joy go out, let them or you snuff out your
candle, and throw you into the dark. That's why you're calling me, isn't it,
to light your candle for you after you let that professor snuffed out your
flame?'
Silence. And then a meek "Yes."
"Well, I can't. You've got to do it. I can offer you a match, supply
the candle, and maybe even show you how to strike the match and put the flame
to the wick, but in the end you've got to strike the match, light the candle,
and keep it from getting blown out. You've got to stop taking crap from
yourself. When you do, you won't take it from anyone else. You've got to
change the conversation you have with yourself. You've got to watch your
words. You've got to go from using negative, unflattering and unsupportive
words to using positive, affirming, and encouraging ones. You've got to
strengthen yourself, and you do it one word at a time, one step at a time, one
talk with yourself at a time, one day at a time, day after day after day. And,
while you're doing that, remember what we said in class over and over and over
again: never forget that you are a human being; that means you're a "human
becoming;" and that a 'human becoming' is a 'becoming being,' not an 'am
being.' I'm not sure you've lit an eternal inner flame to chase away the
darknesses of your 'I can't' or 'I don't know how' or 'It's not me' or 'I don't
think' or 'He thinks.' But, you can. You can if you get yourself into a daily
spiritual and emotional workout program, if you reach out and stretch again and
again and again, if you venture out again and again and again, if you discover
again and again and again. You have to learn, improve, grow, and transform
again and again and again."
"How do I do that?"
"Wonder. You wonder. You wonder about yourself first and then or as
you wonder about others. You fill your 'wonder-low' or 'wonder-empty' gas
tank until its 'wonder-full.' Then, watch what will happen to you."
I went on to tell her what I've learned about wonder, that part of my
epiphany twenty years ago was when I siphoned off my low octane "fear-full"
tank and filled it up with energizing, high octane "fear-less" wonder, things
took off. In fact, "wonder" is a neat word to add to MY DICTIONARY OF GOOD
TEACHING. Wonder is a "what if," a "why not," a "let's see" way to be guided
by a fear less positive, confident, encouraging, and expanding 'yes' rather
than go by a fear more, knee jerk, negative, constricting, cowering 'no.'
Wonder is a way of 'yesing.' Wonder is a remover of barriers and builder of
bridges. Wonder is a seed planter. Wonder is an energy giver. Wonder is a
life giver to dreams. Wonder is a penetrator Wonder is an enhancer. Wonder
hones in on the often overlooked. Wonder transforms the ordinary into the
meaningful. Wonder cleanses, refreshens, and rearranges. Wonder is a happy
giver. It's second only to loving, but it has all the elements of loving:
connection, passion, belief, kindness, faith, empathy, compassion, hope, joy,
freedom. It's the art of deep observation and experience; it's, as someone
said, learning with passion and living with purpose, and enjoying every moment
of it. Wondering has the power of attentiveness, that is, of paying attention,
of broadening your emotional and physical vision, of seeing rather than just
looking, of listening rather than merely hearing, of engaging all your senses
to take in all the details. It places you in the here and now place. It
heightens being silent, being curious, being accepting, being embracing, being
open, being aware. It slows you down. It "deblurs" and sharpens, allowing you
to take all this in. Wondering lights you up and banishes the darknesses of
prejudice, judgment, and certainty.
So, as I told her, "Wonder makes you the original writer instead of
merely a recording stenographer. It makes you the playwright instead of the
actor reading lines. Every morning I joyfully get up and wonder, 'What am I
going to experience today?' 'What will I give today?' I ask myself, 'What
makes my heart sing and my spirit dance?' 'What makes me shine?' Today, the
answer to all those questions is your phone call, and the best gift I can give
you at this moment is my time, my noticing, my attention, my caring."
I told that she had to use wondering to do the same with herself, to
grow into an understanding that will give her her own matches and candles: grow
into confident light; grow into a vision; grow out of a rut; grow into changes;
grow into improvements; grow into her imagination and creativity, grow into
growing.
"This is where you were always coming from every day in class with
everything you and we did," she said. "It's in your Teacher's Oath and all that
other stuff you sent me."
"You got it. Read them, think about them, feel them, live them. And
as you do, remember this and only this: where your attention goes, so goes
you; and, as someone said, wherever you go, there you are. Your potential for
being a great teacher is not where you are, but where you will go, where you
will be, and who you will be. Make 'I wonder and' 'becoming' and 'can,' not
'am' and 'can't,' an uncompromising daily state of your heart. Your mind and
body will follow. Do it with complete self-respect and respect of others; do
it constantly so nothing and no one are neglected and excluded from your
awareness of your surroundings, and is beyond your earshot, eyesight, and,
above all, your heartsight. Do it with passion and purpose, not merely with a
'going through the motions.' Get curious, get involved, get interested. Be
amazed, be enthusiastic, be loving, be happy, be serious. When you raise
yourself up, you raise up the whole world around you, just like the flame of a
candle. Do it and you'll not only start going to the place of a great teacher,
but you'll also find the way to becoming a good person. You know what? To
help you, I'm sending you a present."
"What is it?" she giggled.
"Not telling. Its something I want you to read--slowly--every day over
and over and over again. Each time read it as if it's the first time you're
reading it. Take every word to heart. Take every word into your heart and
soul. Let every word seep into every fiber of your being. And, screw whatever
negative vibes your teacher up there or anyone else may send out. Stop tuning
into his negative frequency and that of others! This reading will help you
tune into your own positive frequency, help you find your own matches, help you
light your own candle, help you become a 'she-ro' to yourself--and later to
others. Do that and no one--no one--not even you, can ever snuff out your
candle and keep you in the dark.
.
And, we talked some more. And, then I went back to my flowers. Oh, by
the way, my present to Barbara is a copy of Dr. Seuss' OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL
GO.
Make it a good day
-Louis-
Louis Schmier
http://www.therandomthoughts.edublogs.org
Department of History http://www.therandomthoughts.com
Valdosta State University
Valdosta, Georgia 31698 /\ /\ /\ /\
/\
(O) 229-333-5947 /^\\/ \/ \ /\/\__ / \ /
\
(C) 229-630-0821 / \/ \_ \/ / \/ /\/ / \
/\ \
//\/\/ /\ \__/__/_/\_\/
\_/__\ \
/\"If you want to climb
mountains,\ /\
_ / \ don't practice on mole
hills" - / \_
---
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