A conversation with a colleague from the College of Education, an
accidental meeting with a childhood friend of my younger son who now works on
campus, and a poignant student journal entry, all got me to thinking about
"conception bias," "attribution error," "positive regard," "resilience," and a
Zen adage which says, “Even a villain loves his mother.”
As I wrote to my colleague, we can't play the "perfect game" or the
"100% game." Things won't work; there will be downside. But, more than
anything else, how we respond to these things is what determines how happy,
meaningful, and significant our lives will be. If we want to be happy, to be
meaningful, to make a positive difference, free to enjoy the things we have,
and avoid being tamed and turned out into the faceless herd, we must make inner
strength our primary goal to develop a persevering, enduring, indestructible
self. That is, we have to avoid acquiring and retaining a "what will they
think" defeated heart, submissive mind, and surrendered spirit. We have to
stop having false expectations feed by "conception bias" that breed those
frustrations. To do that we have to acquire, maintain, and utilize a
triumphant heart, an independent mind, and an inner strength.
I'm not talking about never fearing, never being discouraged, never
doubting, never feeling funky, never being disappointed, never despairing,
never being moody. God knows, as my unintended retirement approaches in exactly
two weeks, I'm fighting all that. I'm talking about what are you going to do
when you do experience those inevitable "downs?" What is going to get you up?
What is going to keep you up? What will it take to keep going on in spite of
it, seeing challenges as opportunities rather than as obstacles, defining
courage as falling down seven times and get up eight, remembering that failure
or defeat only comes from stopping and giving up?
Now, answering these questions won't make experiencing these
experiences any easier because I am not just talking about having a resiliency,
to rebound quickly from an occasional adversity or to face it calmly without
being pulled down by depression or anxiety such as the one occasion when I had
cancer or the single incident of nearly dying from a massive cerebral
hemorrhage. I'm talking about everyday plugging away and slogging through,
using the impact such adversities and traumatic events to be ever-present; I'm
talking about getting up from bed each morning and getting up day after day,
week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade with
nothing less than an appreciative and grateful "yes," and deal with the
obstacles in front of us again and again and again.
Now that doesn't come automatically. You've got to have an exercise
program of pumping spiritual iron. It takes practice to develop an attitude.
It takes practicing practices for developing an outlook. It takes conscious
practicing of practices to see what's not wrong rather than staying in the
prison of our sorrow by focusing only on what's wrong; it takes consciously
practicing practices for developing what's called an unconditional "positive
regard," of accentuating the positive, for, let's say, colleagues or students
and things around us. But, what the other person does or how she or he
responds is not particularly relevant; nor are the circumstances we find
ourselves in. The point is that you want to make a positive difference, that
you want to do important things more than appearing important, that you want
to change the world, that you become a person who cares so much about other
people that you boldly thrusts yourself into the fray, roll up your sleeves,
and get to work. And, the real benefit of feeling and doing all this is that
it builds you up; it snatches victory from the jaws of a defeated heart; it
breaks the chains in a shackled mind; it keeps up the inner fight.
Your feelings of beneficence gives you greater chance to bring out the
best in you, and that will increase your ability to bring out the best in
others. Heck, that's the definition of a master teacher, isn't it: not to
share your abilities but to help others see their own abilities, to love
someone unconditionally regardless of whether they do quirky, jerky, dumb,
irrational things? Again, we, some colleagues, some students may seem so
detached, so far away, from their best selves that to make a difference seems
so "dreamy," but as I was reminded by a heartfelt student journal, somewhere
inside "even a villain loves his mother." And, as Leo Buscaglia would have
said, you never know what small persevering gesture will pull good things out
from others; and the more we strive to pull out the good things in others, the
more we pull good things out from ourselves. To become someone who consciously
seeks to find the best in others is to become someone who we ourselves like;
it’s to become more optimistic; it is to become a believer and lover; it is to
become a see-er of the glass being half full rather than the pessimist who only
mopes about the emptiness in the glass. Now, I say this because I believe
we’re responsible for not only working on ourselves, but helping others work on
themselves as well. And, if I really wanted to touch someone, and change the
world, and alter the future, why wouldn't I not both reach out to touch myself
and reach out in the classroom with the students there with me?
It is, in essence, a way to learn to love yourself and others. To
develop lives in which we can freely enjoy each moment, however, requires far
more work—far more self-development—than many would believe. We have to learn
how to consciously direct our attention away from the half empty glass to the
half filled one. That is, we have to, like Peter Pan, develop and concentrate
on our happy thoughts. I always use the example of a wet stormy day. I don't
see the miserableness of such a day. Instead, I focus on the fact that the
rain is nourishing my flower garden and I see the sun shining brightly and
warmly above the dark grey clouds. That is why I've developed my practice of
selecting positive "my word for the day," (today it's "personable") and
consciously living them. It focuses me and minimizes the ability of people or
things from distracting me. Which brings me to learning how to be free from
distractions, from fighting against being pulled away from "happy thought" and
"word for the day," and to keep your eyes on the proverbial prize. That "word
for the day," consciously lived each moment raises my radar antennae to pick up
the distracting blips. And, curiously I find that I am more at ease when I am
more conscious of when I return to the word rather than being on the lookout
for the distraction. It's a paradox, isn't it. And, as you practice at it, it
will eventually become an unconscious practice and you won't have to
consciously monitor yourself to insure you're doing.
The bottom line is that insuring that your heart goes undefeated, that
your mind doesn't submit, and your don't sap your inner strength, is a very
real promise. It can be learned. I personally bear witness to that. It
pounds in my ears and beats in my heart. It just takes work, a lot of work, a
lot of constant work, a lot of never-ending work. And, its work not to avoid
the adverse challenges, but to overcome them and use them to your advantage.
An undefeated heart is itself what grants us access to the creativity,
strength, and courage necessary to find those real solutions, viewing obstacles
not as distractions or detours off the main path of our lives but as the very
means by which we can capture the lives we want. We should measure our time
here and our achievement, then, by how much unconditional love we put out and
how much love comes back to us.
Make it a good day
-Louis-
Louis Schmier
http://www.therandomthoughts.edublogs.org
Department of History http://www.therandomthoughts.com
Valdosta State University
Valdosta, Georgia 31698 /\ /\ /\ /\
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hills" - / \_
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