Appreciated your response Chris. Wish to state this with care but the research on couples discussing issues of conflict conducted by John Gottman has shown that couples do NOT have to agree on everything but, instead, it's important to pick your battles with care. Basically what his empirical research data shows based on years of videotaping couples having "heated discussions" was that those who make it for the long haul are able to frequently agree to not agree. And here comes the delicate part:women (am guilty) tend to get overly emotional about issues with which their partner does not concur and so, in an attempt to make their (our) point more clear, we get louder and more emotional--an approach that causes men to close down. That is, the more the woman yells, the more the guy uses a strategy Gottman refers to as 'stonewalling.'
This doesn't mean the either gender is right or wrong in how they deal with disagreements; that is not the point. The point is simply that certain approaches don't work, period. Of course there are gender exceptions to these patterns but Gottman's advice to couples on how to handle conflict is based on empirical data he gathered from years of observing couples dealing with difficult issues. He got to the point where he could predict in just a few minutes when viewing a video which couples were heading for divorce. Joan [email protected] > Extracting "lessons" from stories is a process fraught with so many > difficulties (see Bible). Perhaps one is not intended to take the actions > depicted in this movie as "models" but just as a report of what happened > with these two (fictional) people. Even if there is supposed to be a > "lesson," perhaps it is not the one you drew. Several other equally > plausible ones come to mid: Perhaps the lesson is that "some thing are not > really worth fighting about, so you might as well just kiss." Or, maybe, > as the movie goes on, the disagreement comes up again, and so the larger > "lesson" is, "just kissing will not make your problems go away; you must > deal with them." Or, perhaps it comes up again even though it is not worth > really fight about, so the "lesson" is, "sometimes you must accede to your > loved one's demands, even though you disagree, because it is more > important that you are both happy than it is that you 'win' on this one > minor issue." > > Allow me to introduce you to hermeneutics. :-) > > Chris > ....... > Christopher D Green > Department of Psychology > York University > Toronto, ON M3J 1P3 > > [email protected] > http://www.yorku.ca/christo > >> On Jul 28, 2014, at 8:57 AM, Michael Britt <[email protected]> >> wrote: >> >> So Iâm listening in the background as my 14 year old daughter watches >> Miley Cyrus in some movie she made a few years ago. She and her >> handsome boyfriend are having an argument (on the beach at sunset). She >> really wants to get something resolved but suddenly her boyfriend just >> grabs her face and gives her a forceful kiss, which, you guessed it, she >> succumbs to. >> >> So, let's see...what does this teach us? >> >> Boys: instead of trying to think things through with your girlfriend, >> just use force >> Girls: don't expect too much from your boyfriend, just go with it >> >> Maybe instead of violence and nudity ratings, there should be some other >> kind of movie rating system - one that evaluates the subtle messages >> movies convey to our children. >> >> Okay, okay, time to relax, get off my high horse and get back to work. >> What a fuddy-duddy father I am... >> >> Michael A. Britt, Ph.D. >> [email protected] >> http://www.ThePsychFiles.com >> Twitter: @mbritt >> >> >> --- >> You are currently subscribed to tips as: [email protected]. >> To unsubscribe click here: >> http://fsulist.frostburg.edu/u?id=430248.781165b5ef80a3cd2b14721caf62bd92&n=T&l=tips&o=37729 >> or send a blank email to >> leave-37729-430248.781165b5ef80a3cd2b14721caf62b...@fsulist.frostburg.edu >> > > --- > You are currently subscribed to tips as: [email protected]. > To unsubscribe click here: > http://fsulist.frostburg.edu/u?id=49240.d374d0c18780e492c3d2e63f91752d0d&n=T&l=tips&o=37731 > or send a blank email to > leave-37731-49240.d374d0c18780e492c3d2e63f91752...@fsulist.frostburg.edu > --- You are currently subscribed to tips as: [email protected]. To unsubscribe click here: http://fsulist.frostburg.edu/u?id=13090.68da6e6e5325aa33287ff385b70df5d5&n=T&l=tips&o=37739 or send a blank email to leave-37739-13090.68da6e6e5325aa33287ff385b70df...@fsulist.frostburg.edu
