This is a pretty good crop thanks to those who
contributed!
Slogan of the Day submitted by Barb Forton, Chino Valley,
AZ
Different Circus, Same Clowns!
Slogan of the Day
Democrats are sexy. Who ever heard of
getting a piece of elephant?
Riddle Me This (Scroll to bottom for the solution to
today's riddle)
Two people were crossing a bridge. One was the father
of the other ones' son. What was their relationship?
Golfer's Honeymoon
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
>(OUCH!! Men, you even feel that, don't you?) >Writhing in agony,
he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he >took himself to
the doctor. >He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon
next week and my >fiance is still a virgin in every way." >The
doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it
>heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." >He took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and
>wired it all together; ..an impressive work of art. >The guy
mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their
>honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal >her beautiful breasts. This was the first time he had seen
them. >She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these
breasts." >He immediately drops his pants and replies, Look at this,
.....it's still >in the CRATE!"
Hand signals
was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife
was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I
yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me and
she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and
made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?" I repeated
the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake" My wife replied that she understands
and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left
breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well,
there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I!
went up stairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?" She replies, "Eye -
Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"
Subject: the present > > > > > >Ho Ho
HO.. > > > > > > > >A young man wanted
to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, > >and as they
had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he >
>decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic,
but > >not too personal. > > > >Accompanied by
his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and > >bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for >
>herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the
sister > >got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, > >the young man sealed the
package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this > >note: >
> > >I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing > >any when we go out in the evening. If
it had not been for your sister I would > >have chosen the long
ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones > >that are easier
to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought >
>them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and > >they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for
me and she looked really > >smart. > > > >I wish I
was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt >
>other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you > >again. When you take them off, remember to blow in
them before putting them away > >as they will naturally be a
little damp from wearing. Just think how many > >times I will
kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me
> on Friday night. > > > >All
my love, > > > >PS. The latest style is to wear them
folded down with a little fur > >showing.
Famous Last Words
=> Let me reach in and get your watch out of
the printing press. => Hey there's no handles inside these car
doors. => Gee, that's a cute tattoo. => What does this button
do? => So, you're a cannibal. => It's probably just a rash. =>
Why am I standing on a plastic sheet? => Are you sure the power is
off? => Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of
it? => What duck? => Pull the pin and count to what? => Which
wire was I supposed to cut? => I wonder where the mother bear is. =>
I've seen this done on TV. => These are the good kind of
mushrooms. => You look just like Charles Manson. => Let it down
slowly. => Rat poison only kills rats. => It can't possibly rain for
forty days and nights. => I'll get your toast out. => Just take
whatever you want, this is a ghost town. => It's strong enough for both of
us. => This doesn't taste right. => I can make this light before it
changes. => Nice doggie. => I can do that with my eyes
closed. => Well we've made it this far. => I'll just slip into the
commuter lane for a second. => I don't think we're in Kansas
anymore. => You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? => OK
this is the last time. => Don't be so superstitious.
Battle of the sexes
For the women
Men are like....
1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate
the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .... Bananas .. The older they get,
the less firm they are.
3. Men are like . Weather . Nothing can be done
to change them.
4 Men are like ..... Blenders . You need One, but you're
not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth,
& they usually head right for your hips.
6 Men are like .. ....
Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .....
Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like
..... Government Bonds .. They take soooooooo long to mature
9. Men are
like .... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10.
Men are like ... Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little
while
11. Men are like . Snowstorms ... You never know when they're
coming, how many inches
you'll get or how long it will last.
12.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13.
Men are like ..... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest
are
handicapped.
For the Men
New Women Seminars - Led by Men
After the bumper crop of seminars
for women last week, the follow-up lessons begin today in the following
subjects:
1) Silence, the final frontier -- where no woman has gone
before.
2) The undiscovered side of banking: making deposits.
3) Man management: Minor household chores can wait until after the
game.
4)Bathroom etiquette I: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet
too. Bathroom etiquette II: His razor is his.
5) Communication skills I: Tears -- the last resort, not the
first. Communication skills II: Thinking before speaking. Communication
skills III: Getting what you want without nagging.
6)Introduction to parking. Advanced parking: Backing into a
space.
7) Cooking I: Bring back bacon, eggs and butter. Cooking II: Bran and
Soy meat are not for human consumption. Cooking III: How not to inflict your
diets onto other people.
8) Dancing: Why men don't like to.
9) Household dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women
notice.
10) Integrating your laundry: Washing it all together.
NUDIE BEACHES
Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches
but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend
Garge the lifeguard for advice
"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that
make you look like n old bloke.
They're years outta style. Your
best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too
small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside them. I'm telling ya
man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend,
Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized
potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering
their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bob went back
to Garge the lifeguard and and asked him:
"What's wrong
now?"
"Lard-Tunder'in boy!" said Garge, "the potato goes in
the front!"
Have you ever
wondered where and how yodeling began? >> >> Many
years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
>> >> Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had
nowhere to sleep. He went up to >> a farmhouse and asked the
farmer if he could spend the night. ! >> >> The
farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. >> >>
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that
man >> going into the barn?" >> >>
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay
for >> the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the
barn." >> >> The daughter said, "Perhaps he is
hungry." So she prepared him a plate of >> food for him and then
took it out to the barn. >> >> About an hour
later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and >> straw in
her hair. Straight up to bed she went. >> >>
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
>> man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out
to the barn,! and >> she too did not return for an hour. Her
clothing was askew, her blouse >> buttoned incorrectly. She also
headed straight to bed. >> >> The next morning
at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his >>
journey, waving to the farmer as he left. >> >>
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
>> into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye,"
she cried. "We >> made such passionate love last night!" >>
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
>> the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
>> >> The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get
you! You had sex with my >> daughter!" >> The man
looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his >>
mouth, and yelled out..... >> >>
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
They Are Still Men, After All
I gaze at the brilliant full
moon.
The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle,
and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.
I tell
Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the
constancy of the human condition.
I tell Plato that I live in the country
that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the
Constitution.
I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four
basic elements and I show him a periodic table.
Then I get a box of
kitchen matches and strike one.
They gasp with wonder.
We spend
the rest of the night lighting farts.
Night Off
A
wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their
butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since
they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner.
After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly
bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next
day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet
some very important people who were his new business partners.
So, the
wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching
TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him
to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his
ear: "Take off my dress...." "Now, take off my bra." "Next, remove my
shoes and socks."
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice
shouted: "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're
fired."
Because I'm a Man
Because I'm a man, I must hold the
television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able
to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, when I lock my
keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your
suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set
in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as
sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can
be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.
I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I
know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me
to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism.
Hunting Trip
Two Swedes - Sven & Ole got a pilot to fly
them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading
the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four
moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the
pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as
yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were
loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the
wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah ai tink vi are
pretty close to vere vi crashed last yer."
Speeding cars
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new
expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so
heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a
day.
So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to
do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of
my chickens."
So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign
that read: Slow - School Crossing
Three days later the farmer called
again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School
Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff
went out and put up a new sign: Slow - Children at Play
No good. So
the farmer calls again... and again, everyday for three weeks, but the
sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the
telephone calls stop and the sheriff becomes very curious.
So he
drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a
new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters
are the words: Slow - Nudist Colony
Messy Kid
A
grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother,
"Who am I?"
Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are
you?"
"Wow," cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right. She said I was
so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me."
