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I laughed so hard, I had tears rolling down my face. I hope you enjoy it too!
Electric Fence
If you have ever used an electric fence you should read this. The language used
is a bit smutty and/or coarse, but 'he tells it like it is' with out cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this
is funny....and true? This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire
along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26 miles
of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better
the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push
mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire, reached down
to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm
standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7
giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the
size of a marine battery, and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire, on
the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my
body. My ears curled downwards, and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing
in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different
times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you
just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between,
but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big
block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire, palm down so I can't let
go..
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had
those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever, that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At
this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it until
the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Crap!,' I think, as I remember, I just filled
the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run
pattern, as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think, 'Oh God please die
....Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely, and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my
own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ...he left
me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had
created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground
still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the
wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep, I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average.... yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting, while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a
warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.
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