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Clearing out some folders, and this one just had to go around again.....hope
you enjoy.....Cherrie..I received it in 08'
--- On Wed, 12/17/08, Kerry P <[email protected]> wrote:
#yiv1332506179 #yiv1205072067 #yiv347570838 .hmmessage P
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If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge
#3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing ther e at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.' Here are the scorecard notes
from the event:
CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on
the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep t his out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I ha ve bee n snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all
of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sa lly, the beer maid , was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chile an aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the p itcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
I t really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chile. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chile peppers at the last moment. take note that I am worried
about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Jud ge # 1 -- The p erfect ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top of himself. Not sur e
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chile?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
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