*A Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute... "do you know who the father is?"
She replied.... "For flip sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you
know which one made you fart?"*
*Drafting men over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former
Soldier.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got
the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to
fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a
military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving
us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that
desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up
killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to
get out of the house.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never
seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the
back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward Muslim terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed
off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their
best years are already behind them.
How about recruiting Women over 50 ......in menopause! You think Men
have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border
patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night! (And we won't have
to hear "Press 1 for English" anymore).
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they
can read it.*
*The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. My name is
Sally Collins - with two L's and " one I " .( No ! This is not the punch
line ! )
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens..
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. .
She says...
"You just happened to catch my eye." *
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