The inverse or obverse of the whole expectation thing is the pain of
not getting credit.
Like when the home health care agency lady insulted me when I
complained about
the unannounced unavailability of an aide to go shopping. She said
more or less"you need to take responsibility for yourself". ( for
those who don't know, we have no paratransit where i am and no
delivery services and only pizza, chinese food and drugs get
delivered. and sadly i'm lactose intolerant, so no pizza.)
Since the only help i get is this once a week, 2 hour shopping run
which I pay for, I thought
that being paralyzed and in a manual wheelchair and on my own, would
automatically signify
i was doing just that.
So when a friend quizzed me for the third time about who the model
was for my latest design and
another said that getting my work out there seemed like magic -- they
pushed a tender button
I didn't know was there.
About the model -- how the heck would i know who the model is? The
company that accepted my creation got a model --- the implications
of the question -- that i could somehow, from my home-bound
nowhere in the sticks, arrange a shoot, photographer, and despite my
check to check poverty, pay for a shoot... just irks me. Because that
presumption glosses over what she saw when she visited me in my
pained and decrepit condition. I am not okay. My world has collapsed.
I am both crippled and in constant pain.....
The other question -- which i answered with a 12 point process list,
bugged me too.... as it, a priori,
dismissed the achingly hard work of doing something each day beyond
waking up, cleaning and feeding myself. Magic? Like this just
happens? Hard Work!
So why don't I get more credit for what I do, an A for effort,a bit
of applause for cobbling something
from the rubble. Why is it either "magic" or not enough? Am I
supposed to cry and whine or shiver and beg?
Do i appear to be too much like the old me, just in a wheelchair? or
is that those that are supposed to care, a little, care not at all.
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