Besides what I wrote earlier, Nikki, that many "old friends" just drop away because your condition makes them too aware of the instability of human health and affairs, I would add the following advice, learned from personal experience.
When anyone asks you, "How are you doing?", or, "How are you now?", believe me, don't tell them! They don't really want to know, unless they have shown they really care. But most of the time, this question is dragged out of them by duty, and they are counting the seconds until they can get out of there. So, what I have learned to do with this question is to just say, "Fine, thanks. How are you? How is your family?" Such an answer is so reassuring and refreshing and unexpected, they will be sure to come around or call you more often, as long as they know they will not have to really be concerned with your condition (!!!). I make sure not to talk about myself at all and turn the conversation towards "safe" subjects, such as the weather, news, or some other such that we used to regard as important stuff until our own lives were so dramatically interrupted. And even those who do really care, let's take it easy on them, and not always answer their inquiries of our condition with a long, itemized and detailed list of our ills. Use groups like this one for that purpose, so they will not become burned out! I try to always look clean and shaved and well dressed, with all smells banished, for a few hours anyway, so people feel comfortable around me. I try to smile and talk about things that interest others and not about myself. This serves two purposes: First, it develops my inner will to try rise above m condition, so I might feel I have some power left, that I don't quit and give in to it by allowing myself to become run down and despondent. And second, it serves to assure that these visitors might actually want to visit me again. After all, how many of their friends show real interest in them?--and especially coming from someone clearly worse off than themselves. I also owe it to my close-ones and care-givers to do all I can to ease their burden by being as pleasant and helpful as life now allows. Begin to develop an inner life now, Nikki. This is the one that sustains under all conditions and survives even physical death. The key is learning to expect nothing from others or from fate, and developing what is left us--our brains and insight, and whatever our unique position has taught us about which others may want to learn. We remain useful and still a functioning member of society. If we can shift our thinking to realize that the purpose of this life is to develop the inner life--that the body is the womb of the soul--then we gain a true psychological advantage over our troubles, and even welcome them on some abstract level as tools to our development, and what can set us free. "The world is but a show, a mere nothing, bearing the semblance of reality. Set not your affections upon it. Break not the bond that unites you with your Beloved and be not of them who have erred and strayed from His ways. Verily, I say, the world is like the vapor in the desert, which the thirsty dreameth to be water and striveth after it with all his heart, until when he cometh upon it, e findeth it to be mere illusion. It may moreover be likened to the lifeless image of the beloved whom the lover hath found, after long search and to his utmost regret, to be such as cannot 'fatten nor appease' his hunger." I don't know anyone who lives in perpetual consciousness of this reality, Nikki, but the struggle to do it is what matters. And don't think about all those who have abandoned you at the time of your greatest need. Pray for them, because they "don't get it," and will all eventually become helpless themselves, unprepared for it, smelly and humiliated, seen after by strangers paid minimum wage, under whose care their few remaining treasured mementos they have managed to cling to through the decades somehow disappear. That is their inevitable fate; something similar just came to us much earlier while we still have time and opportunity to learn from it and rise above it. I love these Words, Nikki, and try to remember to say them before going to sleep: "O My Servants! Sorrow not if in these days and on this earthly plane things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God. For days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds holy and spiritually glorious will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by God, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their joys, to share in their benefits, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will, no doubt, attain." Dalton Garis Flushing, NY 11354 (718) 838-0437 On 7/6/13 2:34 AM, "I.WHIDDETT" <[email protected]> wrote: >Hi Nikki > >Yes, TM definitely sorts your true friends from the duds. I have a >treasured few that I still see and hear from on a regular basis. I >expect we all have tales to tell of disillusionment - my one that still >hurts is the so-called friend that I spent a lot of time with, holidays, >etc., who I realised was checking in with me every now and then to update >herself on the intimate details to pass on to anyone who would listen. >I would have preferred for the postman not to know of my bathroom >problems! > >Far more importantly, I now have a small group of friends and family that >I love and trust and that will do for me. > >Take care > >Iris > > > >Sent from my iPad > >On 5 Jul 2013, at 22:19, Nikki Macleod <[email protected]> wrote: > >> Hi everyone, just thought I'd bring this subject up - sorry if it's a >>bit typical. >> >> I brought this up because I don't know about anyone else, but I've >>certainly found out who my real friends are. The friends that are there >>for you no matter what - whether you can walk or not, whether your in a >>wheelchair, need help with toileting needs, feed you, provide >>encouragement and be there as a shoulder to cry on when you need it. >>That's what friends are supposed to be; there through thick and thin >>through both the good and bad times. >> Unfortunately most of my friends didn't see it that way and I lost most >>of my friends but at least I know the friends I do have are TRUE friends >>because people just tend to see the wheelchair but, its still the same >>person inside. Good job I have a fantastic fiancé who I met when I was >>16 years old (I am 26 now) and has been with me before and after the TM >>struck (Feb 2011). I also have a great family and GP who are my support >>network. >> >> I was just wondering if anyone else found they lost so called friends >>because of TM? >> >> Nikki >> Durham, UK. >> Sent from my iPad >
