Many people have never heard of the Nutty Keepers, have never seen them kill off all the bad guys, well there's always a first time for everything... Here's Why 2k? Part 1 - Nutty Keepers 14/15 (can't remember now!) Wozza (BTW - anyone seen Mike McConnell?!!!) Nutty Keepers - Why 2 K? - The Madlennium Edition Starring: - The Nutty Keepers - As Themselves Robin Cook - As a rotten, selfish, crook - aka himself Terry Wogan - as Terry Wogan Ewan McGregor - as Obi Wan Kebabhouse RD-D2 as WD40 Chewbaker Scene 1 - In the Millennium Sparrow Obi Wan Kebabhouse and WD40 are busy playing Intergalatic Monopoly whilst Chewbaker is trying his best to fly the Sparrow. Chewwy: I say old chaps, we seem to be heading right for a intertimementional diversional warpfantastical Rangersforthecupfinal Forcefield. Obi: OCH! I kinna oonderstand what you're sayin'! Chewwy: Yes, the feeling's mutual. WD40: Beep Beep Beep, Rat a tat tat. F-REG-VOLVO: What WD40 is trying to say is that we are going to be transported into another part of space, in a different part of time and we can't stop it. Obi: Ah, and ma haggis is na done yet! Chewwy: I thought you were meant to be English? Obi: Noooooo, I could na keep up tha accent up for the whole movie. Chewwy: Well could you try, I for one cannot understand what you are saying. Obi: [Coughs a little] Oh yes of course, mahaha. Chewwy: And unfortunately I've now go to put on my rather ridiculous primative voice. AHHH WAHHH GRUNT GRUNT F-REG-VOLVO: Please brace yourself, master, this is going to be a rather bumpy ride. Obi: Of course, [bumps head on roof]. Och a hate this English accent! Scottish for bloody world language. Chewwy: I vote Welsh F-REG-VOLVO: Brummy for me WD40: Bud-wei-ser F-REG-VOLVO, Obi and Chewwy: WHAT? Suddenly (why is it always suddenly, why can't it be "then all of a sudden?") a white light tore (very tinny word, yes tinny) through the ship, then it disappeared leaving a rather puzzled crew to look on. F-REG-VOLVO: According to the ships computer we're in the year 3560. WD40: SIOSDOIIOSDUISJHSHHSHHHSHSHHSHSHSHHSHHS Lager F-REG-VOLVO: Hmm, apparentely the ships computer has got a case of the Millennium bug, so we're really in 2000, and for some strange reason WD40 has discovered the most loved thing to exist in this time, and can't stop saying it. WD40: wddokglfdklgkldfgklfdgdfklgkldfg Whisky F-REG-VOLVO: Alcohol Obi: So, we're really in the year 2000. Does Scotland still exist in this time? Chewwybaker: Grunt Grunt snivell snivell. F-REG-VOLVO: Yes. Obi: Oh, so the great destruction of 2045 when Scotland was blown up into a million pieces, stuck back together again and called Basingstoke hasn't happened yet? F-REG-VOLVO: No. Obi: Good, I can pick up some Rangers merchandise, and burn all the Celtic stuff. WD40: REEBOO REEBOO PUTITINABAGFORME Amber Nectar. F-REG-VOLVO: Quite Obi: Wait wait, I just thought! F-REG-VOLVO: Now there's a first. Obi: Surely we can search for the Chosen one. F-REG-VOLVO: Ah yes, Lee Blompson, the one that will lead the world to victory one day. Obi: Well, he was said to have been killed before he was chosen and taken to Galaticus 57. So, we could save the galaxy by... F-REG-VOLVO: Stopping him getting killed... WD40: Arse Chewwy: Ooh AHH CANNTONNNAAA! F-REG-VOLVO: ... and killing the assassins. Excellent plan sir. But one slight problem - what do we do with the assassins bodies? Obi: Chewwy knows what to do. Chewwy: Do I really have to eat them sir? It gives me terrible indigestion, and these prescription tablets aren't doing much good. Obi: yes you have to, because I'm a Bossy cow. Scene 2 Meanwhile in the Dark fortress of Doom (original) Robin Cook sits as he hatches his lethal plans. Cook [Black cape and hat on, breathes heavily]: Do you know what this means Captain? If that ship reaches Earth, they could save the galaxy... Captain Cook (no relation): Yes we've heard it all before sire. Cook: Awww, so what do I do now? Captain: Tell the world you're evil plan? Cook: Ah yes, I plan to send twenty two thousand fleets of paper aeroplanes into the intertimementional diversional warpfantastical Rangersforthecupfinal Forcefield. Captain: Sir, we're sending real planes. Cook: Can't we kill them with Paper cuts? Captain: No. Cook: Hmm, ok how many planes? Captain: Two maybe three. Cook: Thats too many, take one. Captain: Who shall fly it? Cook: No-one. Captain: No-one? Cook: Yes, because I am getting it to crash into the Sparrow! Captain: the Sparrow is over 20 times the size of the plane. It will only deflect off it. Cook: Oh dwat! Now what do I do. Hmmm.... I know! I'll double their taxes! Captain: Sir, you've already got tax over 200 times the average limit. We kinna go any higher cap'n she's gonna blow. Cook: Dwat, and Dwat again! Well I'll guess I'll have to go chase after them and kill them. Captain: Same old story Cook: You're fired! Captain: Sorry sir, I'm in a Union. Cook: Dwaa... Captain: I know I know Scene 3 In The Madcave - Lee is trying to record a message for the DFF campaign. Lee: OK how do I work this thing. Sluggs: Don't ask me. Barry: Oh, its so simple, press this button, tap this keyboard, pull this cord, tie this string, eat this gum, and count to three! Lee: What? Barry: Just press that button there. Lee: Oh, so what do I do now? Barry: Speak Lee: Erm, Hello I am Freddie, erm.... Now how do you stick this music on... Ah ha! *Waterloo by Abba plays* Lee: Ah shit! Turn this off, had enough of this rubbish when Denise Van Out-whats-her-name started singin' it. Lets try this button... *Parklife by Blur plays* Lee: Copycats *Roll With It by Oasis plays* Lee: Need I say anymore. Then all of a sudden (woohoo!) the Star Wars music starts playing. Lee: Hmmm.... Amusing, and slightly addictive. Chas: Oi Oi, whats that giant thing heading right for us. Clive Banger suddenly walks into the cave to find the group have run off into a bomb shelter and have locked the door so that no one else can enter. Clive: Hi, oh. Hmmm... Hang on whats that giant.... AHHWAHHAHAHAHA! F-REG-VOLVO: Oh dear sir, we've hit something. Clive: Mummy... To be continued in Nutty Keepers 15 - Why 2 k 2? Will Clive live? Will Lee actually record his message? Will Oasis and Blur stop fighting? Will Robin Cook get a decent haircut? Will Obi become a Welshman? Och no! Will Mad-ass (Saddam backwards) stop wearing a triple D bra? Find Out in the next thrilling episode of.... tHe NuTtY kEePeRs! Credits... Written and Produced by Paul Wozza Wassell With ideas from Simon Roberts, and my dog - both of a similar intelligence :-) Thanks to Simesy for his jokes, Stoo for being a Scotsman and Madness for the inspiration, cheers! A Wozza/McConnell (who is STILL missing) Production for BBC/ITV/RTL2 Goodnight - ______________________________________________________________ Visit the Total Madness Mailing List website for: latest news, madmeet info, list charter, games, and more ... http://members.xoom.com/totalmadmail/ Contact the TMML Moderators at: [EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe, send an e-mail to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] and in the message body put: unsubscribe total-madness
