Got it! OK, well, not exactly, but... I still don't know where that sda5 came from, but I got rid of the whole mess. I can't tell what in the world I was doing wrong before, if anything, but that freakin' Gparted finally agreed to wipe the entire drive clean and did it. Why it wouldn't do it before is beyond me, but it's done now. Onward to other things. Thanks for all your help, everyone!

Now, off to get myself into more trouble and recreate my partitions, this time with the swap partition first! Ha! Ha! See how that works on this old bugger! Lookin' for the ultimate perfectly partitioned hard drive!

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