The Remote Patrol for the weekend of March 13-15, 2009 by Thomas Allen Heald, the one person not watching Oprah All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check another column
TOM'S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY Who would be the least likely to join the hair club for men? A) Vic Mackey B) Les Nesman C) Hawk D) Nostradamus "Bull" Shannon E) Chris Turk The answer when next we meet. --- 8 p.m. Aquaman and Adam Strange fight an alien nation on "BATMAN: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD" (Cartoon Network). Bullets and change of address forms fly on "TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES" (Fox). Shouldn't they have done this before they left Monday nights? BLAXSPLOIT TO THE FUTURE (Part 1) Fred Williamson seizes the day in "BLACK CAESAR" (IFC). 'NUFF SAID "HOT GIRLS IN SCARY PLACES" (E!) Echo investigates (another) dangerous cult on "DOLLHOUSE" (Fox). That band of armed misfits are the 20 people in America who watch action dramas on Fox on Friday nights. 9 p.m. "FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS" (NBC) plays the national "high school game of the week" on ESPN Ocho. 9:50 p.m. BLAXSPLOIT TO THE FUTURE (Part 2) Pam Greer will mess you up as "COFFY" (IFC). You jive turkey. 10 p.m. SWEEPSPLOITATION GUEST STAR PATROL Gina Gershon and Los Angeles Lakers players Pau Gasol and Jordan Farmar of the Los Angeles Lakers guest on "NUMB3RS" (CBS). SATURDAY 9 p.m. "WILL FERRELL: YOU’RE WELCOME AMERICA. A FINAL NIGHT WITH GEORGE W. BUSH" (HBO) ends eight years of "stategery." Ah, if only America could still afford HBO. TELE-GEBRA "The Naked Brothers Band" + "American Idol" = "NAKED IDOL" (Nickelodeon). Prince Charles and Lady Di's wedding faces a bomb threat on "ASHES TO ASHES" (BBC America). The football playing prodigal son returns but is greeted by mom Cicely Tyson and wife Michael Michele as a "RELATIVE STRANGER" (Hallmark). 10 p.m. "THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW" (BBC America) takes a weight and see attitude with Sarah, the Duchess of York. Tracy Morgan and Kelly Clarkson try to remember why Morgan was originally on "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" (NBC). SUNDAY 8 p.m. Dan Brown, Nic Cage, and that creepy Disney movie about the rat cooking get put through the blended on "THE SIMPSONS" (Fox). Mmmm. Rodent souffle. Someone who can't afford it wins the "DREAM HOME GIVEAWAY 2009" (HGTV). TELE-GEBRA * "The Nanny" + The Hawaiian episodes of "The Brady Bunch" = "AU PAIR 3: ADVENTURE IN PARADISE" (ABC Family). Gregory Harrison, 58, "hot romantic lead." Heidi Lenhart, the titular child care worker his character married, 35. Just saying. * "Dynasty" x "David vs. Goliath" = "KINGS" (NBC). Oh good, NBC's audience loves ambitious art films. Did I say "art films"? I meant fat people, briefcases, and child molestation entrapment. But not fat people holding briefcases. * "Sex and the City" + the Smithsonian = "BELTWAY UNBUCKLED" (History) The channel devotes two hours to the sex lives of our nation’s leaders, from George Washington’s sterility and the extramarital affair that helped cause the Civil War to J. Edgar Hoover’s secret sex files and Edith Wilson as a cause of World War II. SWEEPSLOITATION Kate Walsh guests on "KING OF THE HILL" (Fox) as Bobby takes cotillion classes. 9 p.m. Mood swings, makeovers, and behavior modulation mix on "BIG LOVE" (HBO). Following up its "gay" episode, "FAMILY GUY" (Fox) cracks wise about O.J. Simpson. Start writing those protest emails now. Oh wait, no. just click the link and hit send and pretend you watched it. 10 p.m. Walt and Jesse get trapped with the pusher man on "BREAKING BAD" (AMC). If only they'd listened to Bill Cosby. The lowest hanging fruit possible gets whacked on "THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY" (Comedy Central). And, it will likely be the biggest rated show the network ever airs. (Sigh.) As "Top Chef" drags out "Restaurant Wars," "THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE" (NBC) keeps repeating its wedding dress shop task. And it's a live or dye(d) shoes day for Tom Green. A matchmaker gives overly optimistic Carrie Bradshaws-in-waiting a does of "TOUGH LOVE" (VH1). Drew Barrymore is among the executive producers of this new reality series in which the matchmaker Steve Ward helps eight single women break bad habits — boot camp, anyone? — and find new romance. Lesson No. 1: learning what men think of them based on their appearance alone. QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS The feature film adaptation of John Grisham's "The Client" costarred cast members from all but which of the following series: "ER," "Lost," "The Simpsons," "Weeds," or "The West Wing"? Nobody from "Lost," but Anthony Edwards, Bradley Whitford, Mary Louise Parker, and Dan Castellaneta. --- CORRECTION: Our story on Pat Sajak inadvertently implied he was a D O _ C _ E _ A _. He is actually a C A _ _ O _ I C . We regret the error. --- But the conversation has just begun, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the "TV or Not TV" Google list or at tvornottv.net. 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