The Remote Patrol for March 16, 2009
by Thomas Allen Heald, Bald for Children's Cancer Research
All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check local listings

TOM'S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
What other award did Les Nessman's reporting win besides the Silver Sow 
and Buckeye Newshawk prizes?
A) The Brass Star
B) The Bronze Bale
C) The Copper Cob
D) The Golden Shovel
E) The Platinum Pitchfork

The answer when next we meet.
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JUST SO YA KNOW
Everything on NBC in primetime is a rerun.

8 p.m.
"HOUSE" (Fox) faces off against a psychic cat who can predict death.

The Gal Dumped On The Bachelor gets a Broken Heart; Lil Kim fractures 
her Ankle Bone's Connected to the Knee Bone; Belinda Carlisle has 
Writer's Cramp; Shawn Johnson peels his Adam's Apple; Holly Madison 
breaks her Wish Bone; Gilles Marini has Water on the Knee; Ty Murray 
cracks his Spare Ribs; Steve-O hurts his Funny Bone; Denise Richards 
slices open her Bread Basket; Lawrence Taylor gets a Wrenched Ankle; 
Chuck Wicks has Butterflies in the Stomach; and Steve Wozniak gets Brain 
Freeze on "DANCING WITH THE STARS: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT" (ABC).

"GOSSIP GIRL" (CW) is so like, you know 'n' stuff. Only more. But not as 
much as "90210."

8:30 p.m.
Lily's got a secret on "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER" (CBS). It turns out, 
she's actually a witch. (No. Really.)

9 p.m.
Jack faces off against a psychic cat who can predict death on "24" (Fox).

DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU...
"KYLE XY" (ABC Family) reaches its zenith with a plot to create a race 
of super powered children. Finally something important not involving 
Rush Limbaugh.

"DHANI JONES TACKLES THE GLOBE" (Travel) to bring you the constant 
variety of sport… the thrill of victory… and the agony of defeat… the 
human drama of athletic competition.

9:30 p.m.
Orlando Jones guests as the homophobic Jeff's new gay friend on "RULES 
OF ENGAGEMENT" (CBS). Plus David Spade's character thinks he may be 
dating his daughter. I think I would prefer to watch the Toyota "Saved 
By Zero" ad on a loop for a half hour.

10 p.m.
A nanny found dead in a clothes dryer is neither Bounce nor Snuggle 
fresh on "CASTLE" (ABC).

This little piggy didn't go to market on "DEATH ON A FACTORY FARM" 
(HBO). Is it a little creepy that his friend the other pig would eat 
roast beef?

FRAKKIN' CLIPS, Y'ALL!
"BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE LAST FRAKKIN' SPECIAL" (Sci Fi)

They tried to make her go to rehab and she said yes, yes, yes on "BETTY 
FORD: THE REAL DEAL" (PBS).

TALK TALK
* David knows Nicolas Cage and Rachel Maddow.
* Jay has new chat with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jim Norton, and Randy 
Rogers Band.
* Jimmy Fallon cooks up shrimp for Gary Sinise, Colin Hanks, and Public 
Enemy.
* Craig gives the password to Regis Philbin and the Upper Crust
* Jon Stewart totally calls Gen. Richard B. Myers on his Chairman of the 
Joint Chiefs of Staff-itude.
* Colbert has sandwiches with Jonathan Chait and Neil Gaiman.
* Tavis loves Dan Baum and Bill Paxton

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QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS

TOM'S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
Who would be the least likely to join the hair club for men: "The 
Shield's" Vic Mackey, "WKRP's" Les Nessman, "Spenser for Hire's" Hawk, 
"Night Court's" Nostradamus "Bull" Shannon or "Scrubs'" Chris Turk? The 
newsman Nesman, who did at one point attempt to impress Jennifer Marlowe

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CORRECTION: Our story on William Shatner's new clothing line was 
inaccurate. The T-shirts no longer have a control top neckband.

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   But the conversation has just begun, add your own suggestions or 
discuss mine on the "TV or Not TV" Google list or at tvornottv.net. "The 
Remote Patrol" is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear 
Projection, Ltd., a division of Haslenald, Inc.

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