The Remote Patrol for Sunday, April 26 and Monday, April 27, 2009
by Thomas Allen Heald, Esquire
All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check local listings
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TOM'S TOTALLY TWISTED TELEVISION TRIVIAL TEST THINGY
What subjects did Bea Arthur's character, Dorothy Zbornak, specialize in
as a substitute teacher on "The Golden Girls"?
A) American History and English
B) Math and Theatre
C) Phys. Ed and Metal Shop
D) Social Studies and Choir
E) Home Ec. and Art
The correct answer? Picture it: Sicily, 2009. We were all discussing our
waning interest in Madonna when it was decided that the quiz would be
solved in the next edition of the Remote Patrol.
SUNDAY
7 p.m.
"60 MINUTES" (CBS) preempts its weekly visit with the Obamas for a chat
with the Bidens.
7:30 p.m.
Remember the Cosby Show episode where Rudy's fish had a funeral in the
Huxtable toilet? "KING OF THE HILL" (Fox) does the same kinda thing ...
only with Hank's father.
8 p.m.
"Having a baby's gotta be easier than this" on "THE AMAZING RACE" (CBS).
After 20 years, Marge finally discovers the sauna in the basement on
"THE SIMPSONS" (Fox).
A family more adorable than yours whose 86 children are blind, deaf, and
who have Tourette's Syndrome, Asperger's, and Mono get a home with a
indoor pool, racing car beds and 47 flat screen plasma TV on "EXTREME
MAKEOVER HOME EDITION" (ABC)
What more do you need to know about "THE 2009 TV LAND AWARDS" (TV Land)
than "Neil Patrick Harris as Charles Nelson Reilly ... and Pamela
Anderson (Lee)"? ,
WE'LL SWEEP TOGETHER
Jennifer Tilly, Chace Crawford, Chazz Palmenteri, and Wentworth Miller
guest as Stewie does steroids on "FAMILY GUY" (Fox), which is why Burger
King has switched to more tasteful celebrity endorsers like ...
Sir-Mix-A-Lot.
9 p.m.
Jeff Goldblum joins "LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT" (USA) as the weather
forecast calls for a 80% chance of racial tension with things turning
partly stabby toward the evening hours.
Mr. Dorrit returns to "LITTLE DORRIT" on "MASTERPIECE (CLASSIC) THEATRE"
(PBS). And we all know what that means.
Jack and Kate run from Sylar on "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" (ABC). Oh, like
you still watch either.
A pool hustlers murder on November 22, 1963, somehow became a low
priority until now on "COLD CASE" (CBS). Perhaps this one was actually
committed by Oswald?
If it's Sunday night, Joan Rivers is flipping out (again), Clint Black
won't be fired (again) and for some reason a particular brand of
deodorant is in every other camera shot on "THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE 2:
THE QUICKENING" (Fox).
"DAISY OF LOVE" (VH1) spins off Bret Michaels “Rock of Love" which spun
off from "Flavor of Love" which spun off "Strange Love” which spun off
"The Surreal Life."
TELE-GEBRA
"Disturbia" - talented actors + "Disney's 'Haunted Mansion'" - the
budget = "100 FEET" (Sci Fi) with Famke Janssen as Screaming Woman in Peril
9:30 p.m.
Steve joins the football team on "AMERICAN DAD" (Fox) because Korea ran
long piecing together their topical New Years episode.
10 p.m.
An anxious pot grower needs to be hopped up on goof balls to testify "IN
PLAIN SIGHT: SPECIAL WEEDS UNIT" (USA).
MONDAY
(Check Local Listings)
Was the Craiglist Killer secretly targeting Susan Boyle while preparing
food in a filthy Domino's Pizza kitchen? Find out what Perez Hilton has
to say about the matter on "INSIDE EDITION" (Syndicated).
8 p.m.
The quest for the glittery thing continues on "DANCING WITH THE STARS"
(ABC).
UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN (OR YOU'RE CANCELED)
"CHUCK's" (NBC) sister finally walks down the aisle with Captain
Awesome. Attending the wedding are Morgan Fairchild, Bruce Boxleitner,
Tony Hale, Scott Bakula, Chevy Chase and in all likelihood, Fulcrum agents.
"HOUSE" (Fox) is visited by the ghosts of Wilson's girlfriends past.
Does this qualify for an "Amber Alert"?
8:30 p.m.
Marshall and Barney punk Ted on "HOW I TEXT MESSAGED YOUR MOTHER" (CBS).
9 p.m.
"WE SHALL REMAIN" (PBS) continues why my friend Chris Eyre's "Trail of
Tears" with the battle against being "civilized" into learning English,
Christianity and their inferiority to the White race. You know ... like
on "GOSSIP GIRL" (CW, 8 p.m.).
Jack discovers that the evil terrorist mastermind has six fingers on his
right hand on "24" (Fox). There's been someone else looking for him.
Perez Hilton and Miss California mud wrestle in to the "DEATH OF THE
MEGABEASTS" (National Geographic).
The "HEROES" (NBC) gather to defeat Sylar (again). Just as they'll do in
next year's season finale. Only next time, he'll have Doctor Octopus'
tentacles and/or Kryptonite.
"MAGIC'S BIGGEST SECRETS FINALLY REVEALED" (MyNetwork TV) wants to know
if your card is the Queen of Diamonds.
10 p.m.
It's fact vs friction as "CASTLE" (ABC) faces off against a true-crime
writer over the death of a homeless woman in a bathtub filled with motor
oil. Hey, isn't that where Geraldo gets his hair done?
Daisy Hill is raided in "PUPPY MILLS: EXPOSED" (Animal Planet) as the
"Animal Cops: Philadelphia" get more than a little snoopy.
"MEDIUM's" (NBC) stalker continues in his belief that Glen Gordon
Caron's writing was 1,000 times better on "Moonlighting."
Well ... is it the Queen of Diamonds? No ... how about the 10 of Clubs?
Any club? 4 of spades? Oh crap we forgot to take out the card with the
manufacturers warranty again didn't we? There! We got it right! Take
that, David Blaine!
TALK TALK
* Dave sees to Kiefer Sutherland and Christopher O'Riley.
* Jay woofs it up with Arsenio Hall, Ziggy Marley, and those people over
there in the dog pound (if he's out of the hospital.) If not .... LET
ARSENIO HOST! (This message brought to you by Arsenio Hall.)
* Craig jumps sharks with Henry Winkler and Ricky Hatton.
* Kimmel plays bongos with Matthew McConaughey, Kara DioGuardi, and
Jason Aldean.
* Tavis Smiley wonders where the children are with Dr. William Baker and
Mary Higgins Clark.
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QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS
San Francisco comedy improv group "The Committee" included comedians who
went on all but which of the following series: "All in the Family," "The
Bob Newhart Show," "Hill Street Blues," "Three's Company" or "WKRP"? The
troop which was heavily featured on "The Smothers Brothers' Comedy Hour"
helped launch careers for Rob Reiner ("All in the Family"), Peter
Bonerz ("Bob Newhart"), Barbara Bosson ("Hill Street Blues"), and Howard
Hesseman ("WKRP").
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"The Remote Patrol" is copyright© 2009 Thomas Allen Heald and
Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd., a division of Haslenald, Inc. All rights
reserved. Yeah I know.
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