In the summer of 1978, I was four-and-a-half, my brother was almost three,
and my mom was pregnant with my sister (who would wind up being born
December 26). We lived in a ranch with no central air, so my mom was
miserable as she was watching the two of us.
One day, I came running into the house. I was screaming. "MY TAPES ARE
HERE! MY TAPES ARE HERE!" I dropped on the kitchen table a box. My mother,
wondering what exactly I was screaming at, came over to look at the box
while I ran to get scissors.
"Joey? What's going on, sweetie?"
"MY TAPES! MY TAPES ARE HERE!"
"What tapes?"
At this point, I had cut through the tape. Inside were 11 eight-track tapes
and a portable radio. My mom looked at the outside of the box. It was,
indeed, addressed to Joey Hass, 5092 Tyler Dr, Troy, MI 48098.
"Joey, how did you get these?"
Still excited at my haul, I spoke fast. "I saw this ad, and it said that I
could get 11 records or tapes for just one penny, and I'd get a free
transistor radio. So I filled out the postcard and taped the penny and now
my tapes are here."
My mother slumped over. Indeed, the tapes and the radio came from our good
friends at Columbia House. She grabbed the box.
"You can't play with these right now."
"Why not? They're mine! I bought them! And the best part is I get to keep
the radio!"
"What?"
"The ad said that even if I didn't want to keep the tapes, I could keep the
radio!"
My mother suddenly realized that her four-and-a-half year-old son had just
scammed Columbia House out of a radio.
"We're going to put them up on the refrigerator until your dad gets home."
This disturbed me greatly. I had paid the penny. I wanted the tapes. And I
most certainly wanted the radio.
"MOM?" I whined.
"No. Go outside." This was the last thing I wanted to do*. I don't remember
how my mom forced me out of the house, but she did. She called my dad and
told him everything that happened.
When my dad got home, I greeted him at the door and renewed my enthusiasm
that I had managed to get 11 tapes for a penny plus a radio. "Your mom and
I have to talk about that."
They went into their bedroom to conference. After dinner, they sat me down
at the kitchen table. The box teased me on top of the refrigerator.
"Joey," she said, "honey, you can't keep any of this. We're sending it all
back."
"Except the radio." I replied.
"No. Including the radio."
"But I can keep the radio! They said that even if I sent back the tapes, I
could keep the radio!"
My dad stepped in. "It all has to go back. You're not old enough to buy
things through the mail."
Now I was furious. I played by the damn rules, and now my parents were
going to screw me out of the one thing that I richly earned. "THIS IS SO
UNFAIR! IT SAID I COULD KEEP THE RADIO! LET ME KEEP THE RADIO!"
"No, Joey. You can't keep any of it." Mom was firm. I was not going to win
this. I went through everything, and got nothing. I headed to my bedroom in
full rage. I would not come out the rest of the night.
My mom wrote a terse note in the box, informing them they had just sent
these tapes to a four-year-old, they were sending it all back, and if they
sent anything else, they'd keep it. It was taped up and my dad took it to
the office to ship back. By the time I awoke the next morning, the box was
gone.
To this day, it is my favorite story about myself. My best friends love it
("It never gets old, even after all these years."). It is my mom's favorite
story about me, likely her favorite about all three of her kids, and
probably in the top five of any story related to her at all. She will
literally tell anyone who asks about it the story ("It's my favorite story
about any kid and I've never even met you!", one of my sister's friends
posted recently). She told me much later that it killed her to have to send
the radio back, but she knew if she let me keep it, Pandora's Box would be
open.
Farewell, Columbia House.
On Thu, Aug 13, 2015 at 9:23 PM Melissa P <[email protected]>
wrote:
> Me, too.
>
>
>
> I do believe I still have some of the LPs in storage.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I never really understood the hatred for the Columbia House deals.
>
>
>
> I got the 10 CDs for a penny. Bought the required 5 more at regular price,
> then canceled.
>
>
>
>
>
> Pete
>
>
>
> On Thu, Aug 13, 2015 at 7:22 PM, Tom Wolper <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> On Thu, Aug 13, 2015 at 7:09 PM, Doug Eastick <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Ditto on the brother comment.
>
> Same here, back when it was LPs.
>
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