The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have
stolen countless features from one another) sometimes make it difficult to
remember what you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public
service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all
in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and
saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe iteratively, until you run out of toes,
then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you
continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
MODULA-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HAND-GUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HAND-GUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in
the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot ....
BASIC: Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do
it in fewer characters.
PASCAL: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot
yourself in the right foot.
CONCURRENT EUCLID: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HYPERTALK: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer
the result.
MOTIF: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory,
the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun.
When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
UNIX: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o: No such file or
directory % ls %
XBASE: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the
foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
PARADOX: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
REVELATION: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you
figure out what all these bullets are for.
VISUAL BASIC: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun
doing it that you won't care.
An actual excerpt from the vb program: (Probably incomplete somewhere...)
'Form
Dim WithEvents f As Foot
Private Sub Command1_Click()
Set f = New Foot
Foot.Shoot 0.38, 4 'Shoot the foot 4 times
End Sub
Private Sub f_Shot()
MsgBox "Ouch!!!", vbCritical
End Sub
'Foot Class
'Make sure this class is named Foot
Public Event Shot()
Public Sub Shoot(Caliber As Single, HowMany As Integer)
Dim g As New Gun
Dim i%
For i = 1 to HowMany
With g
'# of Bullets, Size
.LoadBullet 1, Caliber
' x, y, z
.Aim 90, 0, 0
.Trigger.Push
.Trigger.Release
End With
RaiseEvent Shot()
Next i
End Sub
'Due to extreme complexity, I've decided
'against including the gun or the
'gun.trigger objects
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