Ok, this is funny, isn't it... It took me a day of sadness, but just
disabling every option on the Security page in the BIOS settings did the
trick. Now my computer is at high risk of being abused by evil free
software.

Problem solved.

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https://bugs.launchpad.net/bugs/1232413

Title:
  Lowlatency kernel hangs at boot, even before any text output

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