Thank you for taking the time to report this bug and helping to make
Ubuntu better.

> Turns out that when dpkg configures the package, it tries to run
mysql_upgrade with the root user and no password, which is insane to do
to a database.

No, it tries to run mysql_upgrade as the debian-sys-maint user, which it
creates on installation and attempts to maintain for this purpose.
Doesn't it?

Could you please explain how you ended up with a broken debian-sys-maint
user, or otherwise give us steps to reproduce? When done, please change
the bug status back to New. Thanks!

** Changed in: mysql-5.7 (Ubuntu)
       Status: New => Incomplete

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https://bugs.launchpad.net/bugs/1567612

Title:
  package mysql-server-5.7  not installed  failed to install/upgrade:
  subprocess installed post-installation script returned error exit
  status 11

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