| Monday, July 28, 2003
BETTY CAPLAN / TRADITIONS OF HOSPITALITY Why guests stink after three daysHe was totally deaf in one ear, and if you didn�t remember which, you found yourself having very frustrating conversations about cats when you meant hats. Having dragged around this small, damp, crowded island for nearly seven weeks now, I fully understand what he means. As a guest, I have felt a nuisance and a burden, though many of my hosts have taken great pains to be welcoming. But I've realised that one problem about such enforced intimacy is that, seen over a period of time at very close range, many of us � host and guest � are nervous about being scrutinised. Fragile marriages don't take kindly to being put under the microscope, whilst obsessive personal habits � cleanliness or untidiness � can be blown out of all proportion. One thing I have realised is that African standards of hospitality being so high, anything short of that fails to pass muster. In general, the less people have, the more generous they are. When I call on my friends in Kibera, they invariably produce a feast; the women don't sit with us, and claim that they have already eaten. They work relentlessly, preparing food, washing plates, cleaning up. I have been to weddings where the women line up to carry heavy plates of food to the men and to guests. And isn't it true that the Maasai are so generous to age-mates that they even share their women with them? The courtesy to strangers doesn't begin and end with the period of their stay, either, but extends to greeting them on their arrival and escorting them all the way to ensure their safety. Stand for an hour at JKIA and watch tired and weary passengers being greeted with pleasure and enthusiasm, then compare that to the limp, tired kiss you get at Heathrow if you're lucky enough to have someone waiting for you. On the other hand, it is the most wealthy who are often the meanest �after all, that's how they got there. They spend a lot of time and effort worrying about whether they will stay rich and whether the evil eye will take their precious goods away. When it comes to parents and children, visits can be the most trying, especially if they have no fixed ending date. Have you noticed how differently people behave according to whose space they are in? Very bossy, controlling mothers find it hard to stay in their daughters' houses. If things aren't done exactly their way, they can't cope. Children can use the opportunity to take revenge on their parents for the way they were treated when they were small. We are familiar with the famous daughters of Shakespeare's King Lear who would not bow to their father's will to impose on them any number of his own noisy servants when he came. "Reason not the need!" he demanded, but they were trying to lead their own lives, and found their elderly father irrational. Should they give in to his every whim? Anyway, they had their own servants. Scholars have long wondered what sort of a father he must have been to have brought forth such selfish cruel daughters, and what happened to the absent queen mother. Yet before we call him a total failure we must remember that he also produced a third daughter, Cordelia, who was independently-minded, sincere and faithful in her own way. Their brief reunion before she dies is one of the most moving of all dramatic scenes. Most peoples began with customs set down for welcoming strangers, but modern society, with its emphasis on the individual and the nuclear family has largely dispensed with them. You stock the refrigerator, make up a bed, and hope the buggers will amuse themselves. Visiting Egypt recently reminded me of the ancient welcoming traditions Arabic peoples have; of course, they want you to buy from their stalls, but the politeness and courtesy they show is utterly disarming. Imagine the horror the Iraqis must be experiencing then, as the unannounced and undesired guests barbarians came to stay indefinitely, leaving a trail of destruction behind them which still continues as I write. One aspect in which British and American education systems fall short is the knowledge of other cultures and languages - they have been thoroughly spoiled by the willingness of the rest of the world to learn English. So not only have their armies cut through the infrastructure of the land, but they have equally trampled on the elemental idea of kindness to strangers. And the gruesome portraits of the "evil dead" on all the front pages � Saddam Hussein's sons Uday and Qusay � so disfigured and tortured that they could be anyone, breach all standards of behaviour. Having no standards other than slash and burn, the victors gloat, failing to show compassion for those who died innocently in the three-hour gun battle, like Saddam's young grandson. The conquering armies did not even attempt to understand the native peoples, nor did they bring gifts which are a basic method of assuaging aggression. My daughter is in a foul mood (for all sorts of reasons, not least the one of having her mother to stay) but a gift of a beautiful bath towel to replace the one I ruined in the wash forces her to be all smiles and welcome for a bit. The humble guest tries to do her bit by keeping out of the way, doing the shopping, and trying to clean up, but if you're a parent, whatever you do is wrong. I valiantly scrub the kitchen floor, but I get no thanks: "How come there are still tomato pips on it?" or "Next time, don't wash the floor � do the vacuum cleaning." In the touchy annals of family history, a well-intentioned act is interpreted as a criticism: "Oh, so you think my floor is dirty and I'm a bad housekeeper? Well, think about who taught me." I set up my computer and knuckle down to work. "Why have you taken over the place?" Ah, well, no one said the world was a fair place, and one thing is sure: Whatever you do as a parent is wrong, one way or another. E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] Ms Caplan is an author and freelance journalist |
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