Bush
Resignation Hailed
by World Leaders - Satire
By Greg
Palast
9-11-3
- [Washington] The surprise resignation of the
forty-third President of the United States, George W. Bush, on the
second anniversary of the terrorist attack on America, was hailed by
chiefs of state throughout the world. Mr. Bush announced that after,
"two years of bloodshed, economic devastation, and spreading fear in
America and abroad," he saw no choice but to accept that, "I have held a
title which I did not win, and for which I have proven
unqualified."
-
- The text of the former President's September 11
address to the nation follows:
-
- "My fellow Americans:
-
- I come to you tonight with a heavy heart. Two years
ago today, thousands of innocent Americans were murdered by terrorist
maniacs.
-
- In the script I've been handed, I'm now supposed to
tell you that America is safer today, and that the world is kinder and
nicer and happier, because of I'm such a brilliant general in the War on
Terror.
-
- But who are we kidding? Yesterday, Osama released his
new hit video. The terrorists are having a picnic ever since I turned
over our foreign policy to Saudi Arabia and Exxon-Mobil.
-
- And here's the point in my speech where my handlers
would have me tell you about how I've been praying hard, making it sound
like I just got off the phone with the Lord. I don't know about you, but
I find it pretty darn offensive, downright blasphemous, to drag the
Lord's name into every cheap campaign speech and chest-pounding war
threat. Osama says he talks to God too. Let's leave Him out of the
politics from now on, OK?
-
- Look, in my speech this past Sunday, I used the word
"democracy" about 11 times when talking about Iraq. It's democracy
Florida-style, I suppose. Except we're not fixing the vote this time we
aren't letting these people vote at all. "Iraqis aren't prepared for
democracy." That's what Dick Cheney and Saddam Hussein told me.
-
- So we're blowing 100 billion bucks we don't have to
colonize a country we don't want. Rummy tries to explain it to me each
morning -- oil this and oil that -- but I just don't see it. And one of
our kids dying there every day - where are their parents, anyway? My dad
didn't let that happen - he got me out of the service. Didn't I look
neat in that fly-boy suit?
-
- And, let me tell you, I just looked at our nation's
piggy bank. Uh-oh.
-
- When I arrived, the last guy left me $4 trillion and
said, "Be careful with all that cash in this neighborhood." Well, I have
to level with you, America: it's all gone. The cupboard's bare and this
year alone we blew half a trillion more dollars than we have in our bank
account. Man, I can't believe I went through all that dough stone
sober.
-
- And what did we get for it? A Fatherland Security
Department that's trying to read the labels on everyone's underpants.
Think about it, all this Total Information Awareness KGB stuff: two
years ago Americans were the victims - but my government has made
Americans the suspects. I don't know about you, but this guy Ashcroft
scares the bejeezus out of me.
-
- And today I'm told that over nine million Americans
are out of work. That's not so bad: I haven't done much work in my
lifetime either. But my mama explained to me that not everyone's daddy
can lend them an oil well to tide them over.
-
- It's like I can't get anything right. The lights are
going out in Ohio and the North Pole is melting. I don't get it. I
appointed all those regulators that Ken Lay told me to, and I got rid of
all the rules that got in the way of patriotic Polluter-Americans . and
what's the upshot? America the Beautiful is looking like she's had a
pretty rough night. Won't be long before the whole country smells like
Houston.
-
- And now the stock market's floating face down in the
swimming pool - despite everything I've done for those guys on Wall
Street. Even my plan to give every millionaire an extra million seems to
have backfired. Greenspam says I've created "business risk." Says I
spook investors. But when I asked Greenspam for a solution, all he did
was hand me a bag of pretzels.
-
- Hey, I can take a hint. OK, I'm over my head on this
one. I look back over these last years, and what have I got to show you
for it: two years of bloodshed, economic devastation, and spreading fear
in America and abroad.
-
- When I ran for this office, I said the issue was,
"character." And just look at the characters around me. I've gotten all
their resignations today. And while I've got some character left, here's
my own good-bye note too. Let's face it: I have held a title which I did
not win, and for which I have proven unqualified. You know it. And I
know it.
-
- It's at this point in the speech where I'm supposed to
say, "And may God bless America." God better, because Dick Cheney won't.
Don't panic: I'm not turning over this sacred office to Mr.
Contracts-R-Us.
-
- Instead, I've petitioned the United States Supreme
Court to pick a President for us. Those guys picked the last one, why
not the next one?
-
- And so, my fellow Americans, you can take this job and
."
-
- Here, Mr. Bush's words became unintelligible. As
usual.
|
The
Mulindwas Communication Group
"With Yoweri Museveni, Uganda is in
anarchy"
Groupe de communication Mulindwas
"avec Yoweri Museveni, l'Ouganda est dans
l'anarchie"
|
