Of weddings and the number three
Spending a whole day dodging relatives at a wedding is not what anyone should be doing at such a function. CATHERINE AWUOR writes.
At my age, given a choice between attending a family wedding and having a tooth extraction without anaesthesia, I'd very seriously consider the latter. Not that there is anything wrong with my family's weddings, the key phrase here is 'at my age'.
When younger, one gets very excited at the thought of going to a wedding and if one is a flower girl, it is sheer bliss. However as one gets to be a single woman over twenty-five, weddings take on a whole new sinister meaning.
I have what I call the 3s of weddings for single women:
Three people you need to avoid at all costs:
1) Your mother: If you are of marriageable age, your mum is bound to be one unhappy woman at the wedding. Oh, she may laugh and smile with the others, but given a moment alone with you, you will get an earful. Why are you wasting time, when will she have grandchildren (the other seven from your siblings don't count), look at Susan, she has made her parents proud etc.
2) Your father: He probably won't be as articulate, but the message will come across as clearly. It's time some cows made their way home courtesy of you. Some of the things he says may sound like an echo of what your mum said, which probably means he's been on the receiving end of some complaints meant for you.
3) Your aunts: Run! Do not be cornered by any of them. There is something about aunts that allows them to ask very embarrassing questions. "When are you getting married?", "where is your boyfriend?", "You shouldn't have started living together, now see he has free milk, he sees no need to buy the cow", "your poor mother, she needs grandchildren". If you are seated next to your aunt at the reception, at the end of the wedding you'll be dragging your boyfriend to the nearest altar.
Three things that don't matter:
1) Your great job, your recent promotion, all those count for nothing. If you were looking for an opportune moment to announce how far you've gone up the ladder, this is not the time. The lack of enthusiasm that will greet your announcement, will wipe the smile of your face. The only announcement anyone is interested in here is when you are getting married.
2) Your having had a steady boyfriend for a while now. There was a time they were happy about this, however, five years down the line and still no wedding? They are not impressed. If you are living together, this adds to the gravity of the situation even aunts who haven't seen a church since the last wedding will have a lot to say on your living in sin.
3) The divorce rate is rising in the country. This is one situation where better safe than sorry doesn't count. If you were planning to use the excuse that you want to hold out for something that will last, try another. The facts as they see them are that you should be married by now and you aren't. Even the twice divorced and very unhappy aunt will have her take on this.
Three things you should not do
1) Don't come unaccompanied. Having a boyfriend with you, will make a few people happier. At least they'll see signs that you are heading to the altar. Hopefully he'll be the same one you came with to the other family wedding, otherwise not only are you not getting married, but you also can't keep a steady boyfriend and you aren't getting any younger and you should settle down...
2) Don't come with your boyfriend. This is a classic no win situation. If you don't come with him, it's bad, if you come with him, it's worse. Actually, this may be the perfect opportunity to test his staying ability. The questions and hints he'll get from all sides will test his ability to handle pressure. If you are just in the early stages of the relationship, don't bring him. Your father asking him when he intends to marry you, may scare him off.
3) Don't sit around. Be a bridesmaid, an usher, cateress, all three if possible. Do not sit in one place long enough to have to answer questions. If you are just a guest learn the art of mingling, moving from group to group, staying only long enough to have a chat, but moving on before the questions start. If all else fails, have very good answers as to why you are still unmarried.
Three things they'll do to embarrass you:
1) There are bound to be a few single men there and your aunts, who are so concerned for your poor mother, may take it upon themselves to introduce you to them. This is another reason you really must not come unaccompanied. Some of these prospectives may be good catches, some may have got in with the early bus from upcountry, a fact that shows every time they speak or from their dressing, either way, you're in big trouble.
2) I went for a wedding the other day where all the single men from the grooms side and all the single ladies from the bride's side were asked to stand and "check each other out". Having your family harass you about being single is bad enough without having to stand and let everyone else know. Then there's the trying to catch the bouquet part, all for fun they say, but wait until you catch it, you'd better be ready to marry next.
3) There's something about weddings that makes people religious. Maybe it's because they are held in houses of worship. Chances are there is that one relative who will figure your problem needs divine intervention and ask to pray for you. Not wanting to be left behind in seeking this miracle, a few other saints and sinners will join in, resulting in an embarrassing prayer meeting in the middle of the reception.
They say bad luck comes in threes, which is why I've given you the threes of weddings. If you're not the one getting married next time, good luck.
