Pearls of wisdom
OYUNGA PALA dispenses those priceless gems in an effort to help hapless dating Kenyans who have no clue how relationships work.
Every once in a while I play Mr Know-It-All, simply because in spite of myself, I sometimes make a lot of sense. So I have picked some standard questions that I have been asked lately, and attempted to respond to them as soundly as I can. Here goes:
Q. I am a nice guy. I treat women well, very courteously, but despite all my undivided attention, my potential dates always end up running after taller jerks. Is this height thing still an issue?
A. Yes it is. If you are less than average height, you are disadvantaged in the sense that the pool of women available is much smaller. The first word in the women's holy trinity - 'tall, dark and handsome' - is 'tall'. If you happen to be tall, you are better placed than guys of average height. Where is the justice, you ask? But that's no reason to pull a long face. There is hope. Women eventually do come to their senses - as long you keep the good manners.
Q. I have had it with going-nowhere with women. Why am I such a miserable failure with all my dates? Does it have something to do with fiddling with their ears while we are exchanging bio-energy? I always thought that was one of their pleasure spots... or isn't it? I need your advice - women are going deaf and avoiding me by a mile.
A. Most of us men pick up these impractical, ineffective, archaic strategies from TV soap operas, romance novels, toilet graffiti and, of course, big mouths in changing rooms who claim to know it all. They tell us that such weird techniques as twiddling a woman's ears will drive her crazy.
Yes, it does drive her crazy - so crazy that she never wants to see you again.
Q. Oyunga, my wife can't cook to save her life and if I continue eating what she serves, I might lose mine. Help a brother out?
A. No amount of loving is worth a plate of over-salted stew. Learn how to cook.
Q. My girlfriend is always trying to read my text messages, just because my ex once sent me a steamy message that she saw. Why do women get so paranoid over simple text messages?
A. They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I add, hell hath no fury like a woman who has been through your text messages.
Master these three words by heart: Delete, delete, delete. Delete all text messages upon receipt.
And never leave your cell-phone with your spouse or girlfriend. If, by means of persuasion which our women are masters of, you are forced to defy this important directive, please ensure that your phone is off and your password tucked away in the left side of your brain.
Q. I am short, chubby, very intelligent and I smile a lot. My new boyfriend says the gap in my front teeth makes me look very beautiful, and that I should have been a model. Should I apply?
A. Don't always believe everything that men tell you, especially when you haven't slept with them, or after you have.
Q.I think I have become a serial dumper. I have dumped the same woman five times in the last two months. Why do I keep going back?
A. One word: sex. And she is a sucker for it.
Men have this obnoxious habit of declaring a relationship over, and then returning to 'check' on the woman. The woman begins to revive hope that things might work out, and despite the frustration of your back and forth movement, she believes you can't resist her. So, when you decide to walk out, close the door behind you and do not look over your shoulder. Or just move town.
Q. Aren't mistresses agents of the devil sent to break up happy homes?
A. Leave the devil out of this. Women are simply fighting for limited resources.
Q. Why do you useless men fear commitment? And don't get wise on me!
A. Women want security in a relationship with one man. A man believes commitment is simply a way of confining himself to a corner. If a man commits to one woman, he can't look at other beautiful women. The images of this one woman growing haggard or getting so fussy that he develops a penchant for scaling walls keeps gnawing at him. So, commitment means the exact opposite for men and women. The guy loses, the woman gains.
Q. Why are men in love with the one-night-stand?
A. What makes a one-night-stand the better option is the total commitment to lust. Men don't like to get it complicated. If it's going to get complicated, we might as well gather the dowry, get a joint account, make babies or something as mundane as that.
Q. My husband is watching too much sport and not spending enough time with me. Why can't men find a balance? I love watching soaps but I still find time to cook for him!
A. In case you didn't notice, the rugby world cup is on. For guys, sport is a religion, something they can care about and share - and it goes down well with beer.
Q. Pala, I still refuse to believe women could put so much value in judging a man based on his car.
A. You better believe if you are driving a Beetle or some ramshackle masquerading as a car. You can try again. Different woman, different time, different place, but same car. Yes you guessed right, same results. For those of you still wondering whether the car a man drives is a key factor in attracting women, say this after me, the car you drive matters.
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