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Eneke, the bird, said that since men had learnt to shoot without missing, she learnt to fly without perching.
For a long time now, people have been presenting themselves in wrappings that are more impressive than they really are to hook up people of a specific class.
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| The man being beaten allegedly pretended to be one of the revellers and stole the woman's phone at a concert in Nakivubo. The people we esteem so highly can turn out to be very hollow (Photo by Willy Tamale). |
You date a person who thinks that the only cool place to go is Grand Imperial Hotel. So to get her, you start directing several harsh words to 'bufundas' like The Venue.
We all believe that class is an integral criterion when choosing a partner. I bet that is what makes most women use the 'stereo accent' to speak both English and Luganda.
Cleaners become clerks, drivers become car owners, teachers become lecturers, and lumpens, State House operatives in the name of dating.
That is why it is not time wasting to check out every detail related to the class that the new person presents on the CV.
During our high school times, we had our own tricks that melted most steel-belted resistances. It was the time when video had just come. It was only available in town halls. There were no video decks in ordinary homes. So walking around with a video tape, implying you had a video deck at home, was such a boosting tactic.
One of us brought a spoilt video tape from Kampala and we took turns to walk around Mbarara town holding the tape. A smart boy in Azzaro shirt, Jackson trousers, sharpie shoes and video tape in hand was a very convincing citizen of the high class.
We drank water in beer bottles too. Beer was a preserve of the rich, more expensive than most students' pocket money. Thank God the beer bottle is tinted.
In nightclubs, we played drama. You would organise with a friend to find you dancing with this cute girl and ask you for a moment of consultation. You would refuse and demand that he tells you whatever in your girl's hearing. Then he would ask to borrow your car to drop his girlfriend. You would refuse citing several times you have lent them your car and they delayed there or spoilt it.
He would plead calling you all praising titles till you relented and gave him the keys. It also helped if you gave tips like 'don't rev it so high, the tappets have a problem'. (I still don't know what that meant).
Then the woman would think you were a son of a UPC stalwart. She would kill any girl trying to make eyes at you. Later as you take a special, you would go regretting why you gave away your car.
These days people still borrow clothes. And even cars, suits and houses.
One Nalwooga discovered after marriage that the house, cars and clothes of her husband actually belonged to his brother who was on kyeyo abroad.
Men have discovered that the mobile phone can load on you several pips. You receive an arranged call and your kyana hears you talking of having met the Brigadier about the CDFU programme and that he got so impressed with your account that he gave you the contract.
When the bebe is a university student, you receive calls from powerful employers about the people you recommended for jobs.
When she is a businesswoman, then your agent must call you about the container or vehicles, which are arriving that weekend and you assure him that the money is ready, as usual.
All these do not require big capital investments - just airtime. By the time you are smoked out, you will have become the chairman of NRM-O.
And let no person deceive you that they have foolproof armour against deceit in dating. I used to think the same until the Principal Revenue Officer I met in her office at one of URA stations in Kampala turned out to be a mere relative after disarming me of several quarters of Uganda Wa. I was almost declaring myself successful at having 'penetrated the URA system'.
Incidentally, I had also told her I was an ISO staff.
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