Owor Kipenji <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
When the wife earns moreOMWA OMBARA looks at the challenges women who earn more than their husbands face
To all around them, Faith Kimani* and Sospeter Musamba's* have had a model marriage for the last 10 years but now pertinent issues that had accumulated dust under the carpet are slowly edging their way to the fore, threatening to destroy what was once a stable marriage.
Musamba, 47, has been carrying himself around with dignity in expensive three-piece suits, driving to work in a Mercedes from his home in Muthaiga, picking his children from one of the most expensive schools in the country before dashing off to play golf.
But now the tables seem to have turned on him. His two children aged 10 and 9, are shocked to learn that daddy is not the superman he has made them believe he is; that all along, it is mummy's money that has been doing all the wonders in their lives.
The children learnt this truth as they eavesdropped on their parents arguing in the night. It became apparent that it was mummy who bought the TV, the car, the house and put all that in daddy's name. She was even the one who has been paying all the school fees and now she wanted all her things back.
She told daddy to pack up and leave.
Faith, 40, is a Legal Assistant in a leading Law firm while Sospeter is an administrative assistant at a Public University.
Faith takes home a package of about Sh250,000 a month, while Sospeter takes home Sh30,000.
Faith says she is successful and earns a lot more than her husband because she has taken time and energy to focus on her career as Sospeter goes out drinking and entertaining his relatives and friends.
'Sos is always attending funerals of every colleague and friend and contributing to harambees at my expense. Of course when we courted, I knew he was earning a lot less. I also started lower. However, I was ambitious and aimed higher. I have worked my way to the top. All along I thought he would watch me moving up and also want to move with me or at least try to invest in some business. Ten years are now gone and he remains in the same position with no progress. Yet he wants to live a life he cannot afford without me. I want him to move out and start looking after himself.'
Sospeter
'The problem with Faith,' says Sospeter, is that she is too ambitious. Her job takes precedence over her family. She works like a donkey as the children and I take the backstage. She is permanently in the office or away at meetings or courses. All she dreams of is money. I'm not like that. I want to have time with my children and relatives and friends. There surely must be more to life than making money.
I am an African man. I married this woman to cook for me. What is she a wife for if she cannot cook for me? Just because she has been attending seminars and eating in five star hotels does not stop her from being a wife.
We often wake up to find she has already gone to work. I do not allow the maid to make my meals or touch my clothes so imagine what I have to go through because my wife is busy making money.
Sospeter, like many husbands, wants his wife to work. He likes the money she brings in. He likes the freedom and independence the job gives her. However, he still wants her to remain the submissive, loving, adoring wife she once was.
'When he says I spend too much time working,' says Faith, 'he means that I do not spend enough time doing his stuff for him. Why should I wash and iron shirts when I can hire househelps to do that? I am not going to walk out of a taxing meeting to dash home and look for pyjamas for my man to sleep in just to prove that he's the man. The time for that kind of stuff is long gone.
'Faith's attitude towards me has changed drastically and I can't help feeling that it's because she brings home more than I do, says Sospeter. She has become bossy and orders me around. Often she comes home when and says she is too tired for intimacy. We now have to do things on her own terms. I am so frustrated.'
Anne Mumbi*, 35 and Tony Muli*, 38.
The scenario at Anne and Tony Muli's is quite a contrast form the Musambas.
Anne is a Principal at a teachers' training college while her husband Muli is a police constable. They have four children.
Anne earns much more than her husband but is very philosophical about it.
'We are husband and wife so what we have is ours, not his or mine. As a police constable, Muli earns about one-eighth of my salary. We have a joint account, so that neither of us is constrained.
'We have been married for 12 years. However, we are quite happy. We plan together and when there is a problem that involves money, we discuss it. He likes his meals made by me, so I always ensure I am home early to cook for the family.
'When we first got married,' says Anne, 'I realised that Muli's salary was so low that he did not even have a bank account. I was a secondary school teacher in a private school then, so we decided that if we were to make any progress, we had to pool our resources.
'There are things that he cannot afford from his salary so what I do is to buy them for him as birthday gifts or during our anniversary.
'Like any other man, he likes to feel he is in charge, so I let him. I took the loans for the car and our property at home and transferred them to his name. For me, it is not a big deal at all, after all we are a family.
'I have his children and I must give their father a good image. 'Many women fuss about money and property, but for me, it really does not matter as long as the man is caring and there is peace in the home.
Muli
'I have a very understanding wife.' Says Muli.
'At first I felt guilty that she earned a lot more than I did and feared that she could use it against me later or even try to intimidate me. However, she has allayed my fears through the kind of respect that she has shown me. She has never tried to embarrass me or tell other people that she is the breadwinner as some women do.
'I admit that sometimes I feel a little jealous of her and wish I were the one earning more. However, since she does not fuss about it. She lets me make all the important decisions in the family so what the hell? I remain the king of my castle and that's all that matters.'
Martha Akumu*, 40 and Chris Obwete*, 48.
'When a woman earns more than the man, there can only be hell in that house,' says Chris Obwete, a doctor at Kenyatta National Hospital.
'Martha is a Human Resources Manager with an International Airline. She earns more than me by far and has all the right connections, so she is always attending this party or this dinner - I think she is better off as an entertainment manager than a wife.
'All this fast life has gone to her head. She does not realise that I am the one who has allowed her to work. If I refused to co-operate and ordered her to stop working, that would be the end of it. I have had to warned her about her attitude several times.
'I am not the only man who earns less than his wife, but she has told all our friends and relatives that she is the bread winner and that I am only a doctor by name. This has caused me a great deal of embarrassment and my relatives now have little respect for me.
However, the worst thing is that she has always refused to show me her payslip and I have no idea how much money she has in her account.'
Martha
'Chris is petty and suffers from an inferiority complex. He is a doctor but he never has money so he tries to make me feel guilty by drinking heavily and looking miserable. But one thing I will not do is give him my money to drink. And because of this, he thinks I'm big headed.
'I don't believe in this nonsense of my money becoming our money after marriage. Marriage is a contract and when it breaks, how will I ever recover my money?
'My parents educated me at a time when girls were not even getting equal opportunities with boys, so my priority is my parents first, and then the husband.
'I cannot cheat myself that I can respect a man who has no money. Let him open his own clinic as other doctors have done so he can make his own money, instead of waiting for my money. He chose his career. I chose mine. Why blame me for my wisdom?
I know that he can do a lot more for himself but somehow, the fact that I earn more than him has become such an issue between us I feel he now has a mental block about doing anything for himself.
We have no children, and this is the more reason why he should not touch my money at all.
Many women pretend, but for me, money is everything, especially when I am the one who's making it. You cannot eat love, when money becomes scarce.'
University of Nairobi Marriage Counsellor Peter Namayi says that women who have a high paying, high visibility positions often leave unhappy, bitter and ultimately divorced spouses behind.
So what is it about a woman's earning more and being is a succesful career that many husbands find difficult to handle?
Money
When a high-flying career woman becomes too independent the man feels his position as a husband is threatened because he can no longer control her. She becomes more interested in sex because she feels better about herself, can afford to make her hair and buy expensive clothes and generally is more presentable. The problem comes when her interest in sex with him dwindles. He starts wondering whether or not she is having more interests than just work with the people she mingles with.
The man experiences that as a threat and his interest in sex - at least at home - dwindles. He may stay on because of image. He does not want to suddenly move from the high life she has provided for the family, or start taking matatus when he has been driving a big car which belongs to her.
Power
When the woman calls the shots and starts ordering her husband around, buys what she wants without consulting him, does as she pleases, comes back home at whatever time she wants, the man loses self esteem. He starts imagining all sorts of scenarios even when she is innocent and is merely going about her work.
If he complains about her not taking care of the housework, she can simply hire more housekeepers. Power automatically becomes synonymous with money.
Balance
A man normally believes that he is central to the relationship. This is psychologically a conviction deeply held by men, learned from mothers who felt their sons were the centres of their universe.
The husband thus expects the wife to stop doing whatever she is doing to minister to his needs. When this does not happen, he sulks or throws tantrums. Her job interferes with her willingness to be at his disposal emotionally and he resents that.
Personality
Men tend to work marriage into their lives, while women tend to work their lives into marriages. If either feels the commitment to work is greater than the commitment to the relationship, anger, resentment and pain will usually result.
Ambivalence
Although a husband may be pleased that the wife is earning more money, he still wants his salary to be bigger and for her to be at home in time to take care of the family. That is how we are socialised. The man believes that 'this is the way things should be.'
When he needs her money but is ambivalent about it, the couple will often treat her earnings as non-essential. His money pays the mortgage and the household expenses; her money goes towards vacations and gifts for relatives.
Namayi advises high-flying women to be more considerate and patient with their men.
Couples must learn to be honest with each other and should not keep their accounts secret, though they do not have to have a joint account.
'The problems that a man has with losing his economically based power - and along with it - the erosion of his central position in a marriage are deep ones and are often devastating. Even if a woman has a blossoming career, it is important for her to recognise that marriage is team work and anyone trying to go it alone is simply being silly; It doesn't work. What women in this position need to learn is that no matter how much more than their husbands they earn, they still have to be wives and mothers. As soon as you start earning more, the man will be on the look -out for any change of attitude which may diminish his position.
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
*Names have been changed to protect the sources.
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