Talking your way into bedroom stuff
Sex Talk - with Sara Wamala
June 10 - 16, 2004
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You wouldn’t mind her kissing and touching you there and there but fear to mention it because you think it’s too dirty for words. You chicken out every time you want to say something, not knowing that she could probably want the same thing. And you are not alone.
Else where, some woman is worried that ‘things’ are becoming a routine of sorts and would like to try something new. Her man makes love in the missionary position all the time and secretly, she is ‘dying’ to find out what it is like being on top. But she also thinks that telling him might puncture his ego and give an impression that he is not as imaginative and innovative as they come. Result? Silence that is nothing but destructive as it robs fun and adventure from your sex lives. Get this now. There are easier ways to deal with sex like talking. Every manual and book on ‘modern’ sex says that communication is one of the most important parts of lovemaking. “Specificity in conveying your preferences and feelings about sex is essential to great sex,” reveals the Redbook sex survey. Talking about sex means that you are revealing your most intimate needs and desires. In most relationships, couples usually try nonverbal means of telling each other what feels good. “Touching and guiding of hands, heads and bodies are some of the ways by which couples show one another other how they would like things to go” says Sarah Mackenzie, a New York based relationship expert. “But non-verbal methods only work up to a certain point because many of us don’t pick up on the clues we are given,” she adds. On other occasions, it is the clues themselves that are not clear or specific enough. “That leaves talking as the best and most direct way of knowing your partner’s sexual needs and meeting them in turn, says Alexandra Penney, author of How To Make Love To A Man. But where, when and how should one talk about sex? Opinions vary widely, although many people feel that the easiest place is anywhere but in bed. 29-year-old Rose is one of those who feel anxious whenever the prospect of talking about sex arises. “Recently however, I discovered that talking it over with my husband whether in the kitchen, living room or at an away restaurant makes me less apprehensive.” For the timing, mornings seem to be preferred. “I find it easier to talk about my sex concerns in the morning when showering or at breakfast when I’m still fresh and not stressed” “Do women fancy genital kissing?” or “I read somewhere that men are crazy about oral sex but are afraid to ask their wives for it. Do you think that is true?” And so on. At that, your partner is likely to jump in and give their view. “You could also tactfully suggest that your partner reads an article that you think is provocative or informative.” “And where they seem reluctant to read, go the extra mile and read out interesting and amusing bits to them,” she adds. And who knows, it could turn them on or get their imaginations running wild. Research says that on average, men find it easier to talk about sexual specifics than women. “This is because they are more open, comfortable and grateful to have the chance to say something about what they want and how they want it to be done which is not the same for women,” says Sarah Mackenzie. She advises women to drop the embarrassment and inhibitions they hold over matters of the bedroom. “Getting down to details as soon as possible with your husband or lover will save you a great deal of groping, anxiety and misunderstanding,” she adds. Sam Newman, a highly experienced sex therapist also suggests that lovers learn to ask each other questions. “Ask him what he/she knows that you possibly don’t.” “This is a no-fail method and one sure way of getting your partner to show off their sexual expertise,” he says. Must you let that opportunity slip out of your hands when all you have to do is talk your way into something? I leave that to you but as mentioned earlier, talking will give you a chance to explore things you have always wanted to try but were afraid to ask. |
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