ugnet_: The no-go areas in Sex

[Owor Kipenji]

Article Published on: 29th July 2004.

The no-go areas in sex

Let�s talk... Sex! with Carolyne Nakazibwe Today, I have pulled out one of my favourite books of late. The one titled, Things a Man Should Know About Sex. And I wondered, why don�t men actually buy some self-help books on sex? If not for the how-to, at least for the how-not-to! Not that the sex books are all that � they definitely miss the elaborateness our president talked about � but they throw light on that one thing you always wonder about: What it is that women want. In this one, let us see the top ten bedroom no-nos, according to the authors Ted Allen and Scott Omelianuk. Top of the list is yodeling. Do you know what that is? Alternating your voice between high pitch and low pitch. A polite way of saying you are making senseless noise. That probably sounds quite artificial and I don�t want to imagine what that is like in the heat of the moment! A man alternating between high opera-like notes to low grumbling? Well�Women too do that sometimes when the bedroom becomes a theatre on Broadway. They can throw a high pitch that wakes up the neighbours, before alternating to a guttural roar that draws the neighbourhood�s dogs to your doorstep in curiosity. Next on the list is excessive silence. Because the writers discourage yodeling, it doesn�t mean that lie there like you are being tortured and bite on your lip not to make noise. When nature takes control, you may actually lose it totally. Remember that joke about the man whose wife was fed up of his excessive noise during lovemaking? She denied him sex, unless he did something about the noise. So the next time he got lucky, he kept his silence under duress. Whatever she touched, he dared not let out even a whimper. When he was ejaculating however, the dam burst and he screamed louder than ever, �See! I did not make a sound! Not a single sound! Not a siiiingle sooooouuuuud!� So, don�t just lie there again. Without yodeling, you can actually let yourself go, making pleasurable, but genuine (!) sounds. The third top turn-off is limiting sexual activity to the bedroom. Now, of course the authors may not be conversant with the situations in many homes here. Where taking sexual activity from the bedroom will leave you in the same spot, under a different name. Many people�s bedrooms double as sitting rooms, kitchens, dining rooms and anything else as need arises. But then, there is the outdoors�! Basically, be innovative. Fourthly, no covert videotaping allowed. This applies perfectly for a situation where tabloid journalism is kicking up a storm. Unless you have your partner�s permission, don�t even think about rolling tape as you get into the groove. And you madam, don�t take your love too far by allowing yourself to get onto any kind of film, still or motion picture! You never know when this bwino will be used against you! Then, �The manipulating of certain twin parts of her anatomy as one would tune a radio� is given as the fifth top goof you may stumble into. Many men have no idea what is sensitive about a woman�s body and just clumsily toy with this and that. Careful. Ask, if you need directions! Number six, do not push down on the back of the head. Simple logic, it is uncomfortable, painful, and not sexy. Next on the list is that biting, spanking, or inserting of anything �without clearance from the tower� is forbidden. These are all special turn-ons for special people, but don�t take it for granted. You may spank someone, because the last girl you spanked achieved her orgasm as you did that, and this one just storms out of the bed howling. Your bite may produce an �ouch!� instead of an �aahhh!� �Less-than-scrupulous hygiene (exception: special interest groups that enjoy less-than-scrupulous hygiene)� is another issue to take care of if you have �plans�. Smelly feet, smelly armpits, bad breath, dirty bodies that make use of tongues impossible, should be taken care of in advance. Many men are not very fond of water against their bodies, but try for her sake! Of course we have read about people who are turned on by their spouses even defecating on them� guess those are the special interest groups! Then there is choice of underwear. Pink underwear on a man is a turn-off. Need I say more? Lastly, don�t wear black socks. That one I find strange. I kind of find clean, thin, black socks on men cute, but your fellow men are advising you, no black socks! There. DATING TIPS A weepy date on your hands? This is a phenomenon that leaves all of us in knots and twists. A weepy date? How do you handle this one? Sincerely, I don�t think there is a single formula that works on dealing with a teary situation. We see it all the time in restaurants. One minute a couple is talking animatedly about whatever, the next, one of them is hunched over, shoulders shaking uncontrollably in sobs, while the other looks wildly around as if to suggest the neighbours should help him! Men in particular, are usually at a loss when a woman breaks into tears. It doesn�t mean though that they do not cry. Men too have been known to break down before their ladies and do the unthinkable. A female friend once exclaimed disgustedly that, �I cannot stand a man who cries!� But if you get weepy at every turn and you are a guy, take heart. There are many of us out there who actually love the sight of teardrops in a man�s eyes! So, the tears are there, now what! The usual response is to panic, try to smother and stem them as quickly as possible to avoid further scenes. But first ask yourself, what brought them on in the first place? There are tears of joy and tears out of anger. There are tears as a route of escape. So, which are which? If they are for joy or anger, that is okay. Self-_expression_ is very important and people express themselves differently. So patiently pass on a handkerchief or napkins until the bout passes, or be as courteous as your nature permits. But if they are crocodile tears, the kind that pour forth every time you bring up a problem to solve, don�t buy it. Men do this a lot. You start questioning who this girl was you saw him kissing last night and he goes, �sob-sob, how can you even insinuate that I can cheat on you!� Just sit back, wait for the tide to pass, and launch the subject afresh. Same if it is the lady crying. Soon there will be no more tears where those came from if they are the crocodile type. Choose a more private place If you know your date�s ways, then you had better choose venues that allow privacy instead of the noisy spots that will make sure you end up in the gossip columns. Not that it is a crime to cry, but you know how it is with keeping up appearances! This way, you will handle it better without drawing attention to yourselves. Especially when you know the agenda involves tacky, emotional issues to be ironed out, brace yourself and get on with it. By preparing yourself before hand for this, you can get out of a teary date without feeling like the whole restaurant is looking at you like an abusive spouse of sorts.

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