[Ugnet] Government rejects weak abuses

[gook makanga]

2nd December 2004.

Government rejects weak abuses

By The Analyst WEEKLY OBSERVER EAST AFRICA, November - The government of an East African country has banned citizens from abusing the President because they are terribly bad at it. Announcing the ban, the Minister of Misinformation, Dr. Nshaba Bwikaliro, said that given his position, the President deserved better abuses than he has been getting through the many FM radio stations in the capital Green City. �You hear someone describing the President as �tired�. A fellow wastes his airtime to call into a radio talk show and the most imaginative abuse he can come up with is that the President is Bemba Musota! How many people know the story of Bemba Musota? To abuse a whole President like this is a joke,� Dr. Bwikaliro declared, sounding like an angered District Commissioner during Milton Obote�s time. The Misinformation minister claimed that one day, he heard someone �abuse� the President that he is Schwarzenegger. �Anyone would love to be Schwarzenegger, especially after his exploits in the blockbuster movie �The Terminator.� So why would anyone think that he is abusing the President by calling his Schwarzenegger? That is a complement!� Dr. Bwikaliro wondered. He said that the President had even volunteered to teach his people how to abuse, but they were too daft to learn. �The other day, he described a former president as a �ghost�. I think he looked at his hair and concluded that he looked like a ghost. Don�t ask me where he saw a ghost, perhaps in the bush where he spent five years fighting � you got it � a ghost. �But the one I really love is where he called past leaders �swine�. Just think about it; a pig running around State House in the belief that that it is running the country. Now, that is an abuse,� Dr. Bwikaliro said. He also cited the President�s description of a former minister as �mere spoke� as a good example of what an abuse should be. �You don�t want to get your foot or hand caught in spokes. It can be a very painful experience. So when someone describes you as a spoke, they are basically saying that you can cause very serious injury to others.� Despite such lessons in hurling insults at people, citizens had completely failed to learn the art of using foul language. �If they can�t do it, let them shut up,� he said. Now that the citizens had failed to abuse the President �properly,� the Misinformation minister said, government was instead going to encourage them to do what they do best � praise the President. �We are going to start a scheme where each radio station that sings the President�s praises will be rewarded with the usual Shs 5 million. Let insulting others be left to those with the talent to do so. You all know whom I am talking about,� he declared. [EMAIL PROTECTED]

Gook

 

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