Hello All I hope others will enjoy the humour in this, as much as I did.
It was written by someone who calls himself the 'Rambler' and it appears he may have worked for the Tyrone Constitution. 25 Dec. 1896 What Now? A Merry Christmas ! Pile on the Yule log; let flow the,— Well, what dickens is it ? There is no such thing as retirement at Christmas. No sooner than you gather your pens and paper about you and sit down to write but "bang" goes the door-knocker, and in walks the maid. A turkey, by Jingo, a turkey for the unworthy "Rambler.” And a card. Don't know the writing. I don't know it from Adam. But it is a ladie’s. "Rambler, with Mrs W's kind regards,” It is bound up like an Egyptian mummy,—the turkey, I mean. The outer covering is one of plain sacking. The inner is of something like cambric, but I was never good diagnosing fabrics. What a splendid turkey, to be sure! It is white, and plump, and large, but that it presents a striking resemblance to a small human corpse, it is a most pleasing object to let the eyes dwell upon. Put it way. I like the interruptions of this kind. When you come to think of it they are not really annoying interruptions. Many thanks to you, Mrs W. I wish you and your husband, and the children, if there are any, all the compliments of this pleasant festive season. And now to resume our little Christmas essay. Merry Christmas! Pile on the Yule log; let flow the ruby wine in crystal goblets, and without stint, For this is the glorious season,— Another go at the knocker. Not another turkey surely! Well, Mary? Shut the door, will you! That draught is enough to perish one. What is it ? A what ? Show me. Why the mischief must they tie up parcels in that confounded way. There is as much cord round it, would make a draw-net. A goose, and a fat one! Well, l am — show me address. Man’s writing. bad hand, to be sure. "Rambler, with Terry Rafferty’s best wishes.” Bravo, Terry! You must have found another youngster in the lane. I believe. Well, Mary, we shall not starve in this establishment on Christmas Day. Run away, now; for the printers are waiting. Where was I? Merry Christmas! Pile on the Yule log let flow the ruby,— Well, by Gum, this beats all. Another welt at the knocker. Why the blue monkeys didn't they come earlier in the day? What do you say, Mary? A box? Get the hammer. A box with 'Sunlight Soap” printed on the outside. But i hope its not soap in the inside. They have nailed the box, as if it wasn’t to be opened till the Judgment day. Now for it. A cake-maker "Bell.” A bottle of,— vinegar, is it? or wh,- whiskey, by George! Put it over on the sideboard. The idea of sending a Vice-Chaplain of the Tyrone Alliance Lodge of Good Templars whiskey ! However, it wont be lost. I shall send it to the next church bazaar in Omagh to be raffled for. What next? Great Scott! Another turkey!! "From your affectionate Aunt Jane". Aunt Jane, Aunt Jane, you should have known better than to go to such reckless expense. I must write and thank her. Clear all away, Mary; I must get to work. These interruptions are very upsetting. But they are nice. Let me once more begin my thesis. A Merry,— Rat-tat-tat! rat-tat-tat! Bang ? whack ! ! If this goes on I must run away. However, there might be worse irritations than these Christmas offerings. Two parcels. From well-known bores of mine. A sinister-looking plum-pudding, ready made, from one; a sad-looking goose, with the head, feet and feathers on, from the other. While I am holding an inquest on the dubious-looking goose, and wondering whether I ought to get Dr Thompson to perform a post mortem examination on the remains of the feathered biped, there comes another 'knock, followed by an irruption of seven packages, all suggestive, more or less of "good cheer'’ But I must get to work. I am happy and satisfied, and comfortable, to be sure, but work must be done. So once again I take up my pen. A Merry Christmas. Pile on the Yule log! let flow the ruby wine until in each sparkling goblet, the diamondy bubbles rise to the surface, chasing one another as if instinct with the joyousness of the season. For is not this the season when, though winter’s white mantle may encircle the earth, human spirits glow, and human hearts re,— Whack-a-bang! whack! whack !! Dear me, I never thought I was so popular. I wonder what kind of favour has now come to the door. A letter! Only a letter? Ah, yes, but I have known letters to contain great things. You can put in a letter more value than you can cram into the biggest box. I open it. No,—there is no enclosure. How queer. I unfold it. Ah! Open that bottle of whiskey, Mary, and get me some hot water and mustard for my feet. I have got the cramps. Let me quote the, postscript to the Bill : "Sir The above account is now overdue 4 years. If I do not hear from you by return post with a settlement of same, I shall be reluctantly compelled to place the matter in the hands of my solicitor." The phenomenal scoundrel ! To send me letter like that at Christmas. To upset me at a time like this, when I was just about to write something touching and seasonable for the readers of the Tyrone Constitution. However, I shall have my revenge. I will give my custom, in future, to the chap on the other side of the street. That will bit the rascal in a sore spot. I cannot finish my essay. This sort of thing destroys that cheerful mental equipoise which is essential to effective literary composition. P.S.— By the way, and before I forget it, if any reader of this paper, wants a very Irish and eloquent looking plum-pudding, done up in a cloth and a goose with the bair* on, that may have laid golden eggs in an age that is long past, he can have the same for a small sum by applying to..... Rambler, Constitution Office. note of transcriber - * bair. Food or other lure placed on a hook or in a trap and used in the taking of fish, birds, or other animals. transcribed by Teena from the 25 Dec. 1896 edition of the Tyrone Constitution _______________________________________________ [email protected] UlsterAncestry Mailing List Searchable Archives: https://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]/ http://lists.cotyrone.com/mailman/listinfo/ulsterancestry Website: https://cotyrone.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/CoTyroneIrelandGenealogy/
