In a last-minute compromise this morning, Deputy to the Under-Assistant Associate School of Arts and Sciences Dean Harvey Ramsbottom announced suddenly that the biopond would be transferred in situ and in toto to the basement of Bennett Hall.
"This is a solution that should make everyone happy," he said. "Now the biologists and the psychologists will have room to cross-fertilize and interbreed without those lousy ducks and squirrels getting in the way and those tree-hugger scumbags can get out of the way of progress. I mean, is this the 21st century or what? Is this an idea whose time has come?"
"It's an idea whose time has come," commented Administrative Assistant Sergeant First Class for Facilities and Dining Services Ghiyath al-Din Abu'l-Fath Umar ibn Ibrahim Al-Nisaburi al-Khayyami. "People just want a pleasant spot to eat their lunches, and folks have been having their lunches and eating them too in the basement of Bennett Hall for decades."
The men's room in the basement of Bennett Hall has been flooded since the late 1950s and a variety of charming and elegant flora and fauna have flourished in the swampy environment. The lady's room has flooded intermittently, as have most of the offices and classrooms. Squirrels nests abound in the elegant tiled ceilings along the corridors, as do ferrets, mongooses, king cobras, slime otters, snails, peyote mushrooms, and the Tibetan Yak.
"There's a remarkably diverse eco-system in existence already. It will be quite simple to transplant some of the dying beech trees from the biopond to the basement and recreate the relaxing and festive atmosphere for lunch-time picknickers. We'll put in some high voltage grow-lights and hey presto, nobody will be able to tell the difference," commented Gentrification and Regional Planning Sub-Commandante "Cherry" Ramsbottom.
Interim University President "J-Ro" Ramsbottom, vacationing in the islands, responded to reporters' questions in an e-mail message: "Just keep it hip and trendy, hip and trendy, hip and trendy, waaaaaaaggghhhh!" Neither the Director, Associate Directors, Under-Assistant Downtown West-Coast Promo Coordinators, or Front-Line Grunts at The Basement of Bennett Hall responded to this reporter's repeated illocutionary probings for coherent comments.
Ross Bender
http://rossbender.org
