AGING HIPPIE BAGS ANGELS! SHOOTOUT IN WEST PHILADELPHIA!
An aging degenerate hippie (see photo) shot two celestial angels Saturday in his trash-strewn frontyard in the hip and trendy West Philadelphia slum of "Funky". FBI agents took the hippie, known as THE FABULOUS KYLE CASSIDY, away in handcuffs after the pair of dead angels (see photo) were found among the piles of dead cats and human waste in the edgy corner of the elegant and charming University City Village in Pennsylvania known as "Nut Hill".
Cassidy, a known local scumbag and photographer, led away in leather spiked handcuffs, tearfully confessed, "Yeah, I did it. I shot the angels, but I did not shoot the deputy. Heh." His gorgeous female live-in floozy known locally as Bananafish, flung herself on the scumbag as the Feds loaded him into the wagon, shrieking "I am one HOT chick, dammit and I LOVE this dirty son-of-a bitch" as she revealed a remarkable expanse of bosom in her ripped Yves St. Laurent demitasse gown.
Demonologist and Amish Bishop Yoney Hochstetler, after examining the exclusive photos of the dead angels, pronounced them "fallen angels with black wings" and offered to perform an exorcism of the Cassidy residence. Local denizens in trailer courts around the Cassidy mansion reported having seen frequent manifestations of Elvis at the local CVS.
Ross Bender
http://rossbender.org
In a message dated 7/12/04 10:01:05 AM Central Daylight Time, [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes:
PHILADELPHIA -- West Philadelphia resident Kyle Cassidy got more than he
barganed for when he fired both barrels of his Browning Citori 12 guage
through the venetian blinds of his living room last night. "I thought it was
a prowler," he said in a statement released this morning by publicity
department at FOX news. "After firing, I heard a wicked squealing." Upon
reloading and investigating the noise, Cassidy, who has lived in the hip
urban community of artists and drug dealers for a decade, discovered "a pair
of freakin' winged aliens." No description of the aliens is currently
available, though they have been described as "funky" by sources at the 18th
police district.
Cassidy was alerted by his cat, Mr. Hugs, whose bizarre behavior, initially
attributed to the consumption of several ounces of catnip and celery stalks,
pointed the way to aliens scratching at the windows. "I'm like any
American," Cassidy said in a brief telephone interview this morning, "I
heard a noise, I unloaded my gat at it. I freakin' winged those bastards who
were keeping me awake."
"They were dead by the time we got here," said an officer from the Federal
Bureau of Investigation who wished to remain anonymous, "but that's all we
have to say."
It has not been determined at this time if the aliens were extra-terrestrial
in nature.
-----Original Message-----
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Sent: Monday, July 12, 2004 10:34 AM
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: [UC] UCD Obergruppenfuhrer Proclaims University City Village
"Funky"
UCD Obergruppenfuhrer Eric von Hohenstaufen today proclaimed the University
City Village "funky." "Ach ja," he said in a statement, "it's
international, diverse, progressive, funky, unique, intellectual, cultural."
Denizens of the once unclean, unsafe and really boring neighborhood west of
Center City described themselves as "truly ecstatic" to be living in a hip
and trendy "hood", rather than a nasty ghetto hole. "Who knew we would be
so cool?" said Village entrepeneur and Stealth Mennonite Linford Martin. "We
came to this sucky backwards slum to do good, and now we're doing well. But
ve chust vant to giff all the glory to Chesus!" said the former Lancaster
County native.
UC Village Fresh Princess Adeline Dutoit was "ECSTATIC!!"" ""I just KNEW it!
I just KNEW it! FINALLY we're getting some recognition! I've lived here for
77 years and those downtown people just SCOFFED! But I knew I was HIP! And
TRENDY!! And now the WHOLE WORLD knows it too!."
Former President of the University of Pennsylvania Cherry Ramsbottom, now
vacationing in Bimini, said in a congratulatory telegram, "Just keep it hip
and trendy, hip and trendy, hip and trendy, WAAAGGGH!" She modestly declined
to take full credit for the remarkable transformation of the neighborhood
during her tenure, saying "Lotsa rich people helped me! Also, the
ever-vigilant campus cops, watching out for Negroes and other evildoers.
Why, sometimes the darkies even came on campus, and we had to pepper spray
them. But now good-looking, well-dressed white people can walk down
Baltimore Avenue all the way to 43rd Street without getting molested."
However, Village resident and bohemian artist the Fabulous Kyle Cassidy
stated, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't care what the Inky says. They oughta come
and take pictures of MY corner. Hell, people are still throwing trash out
their windows and it blows in my frontyard. Plus which, after midnight the
aliens are scratching at my windows and I can't get any sleep. I have to sit
up all night with my shotgun. It's like the Dawn of the Dead out here, man."
Ross Bender
http://rossbender.org
