| A guide to the British Metric System for Foreigners
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<P>I was
listening to Garrison Keelor the other night and he seemed to be a bit
short on his understanding of the decimal system and I realised that
Americans needed further advice.
<P>A couple of examples he
gave were 1000 microphones equal 1 megaphone and 10 cards makes a
decacards (say it aloud). </P>
<P>I realised we had
lots more mysteries that would need explaining for the visitors we receive
from
abroad.</P>
<P>===============================
<P><B>UK
residents' quiz.</B>
<P>If you finished your education in
the last 20 years you will probably proclaim that you think in metric.
<BR>
Answer these questions without converting anything to
anything else:</P>
How tall are you?<BR>
What do you
weigh?<BR>
How far do you live from your grandparents/London/John
O'Groats?</P>
<P>===============================
<P>Metric
measurements continued</P>
<P>Petrol is sold by the
litre but fortunately you can still buy cars that do miles per
gallon.</P>
<P>If you don't know what petrol is you can
buy gas by the gasometer. It is advisable to extinguish all naked flames
as you drive in. Also hold your breath.</P>
<P>Unlike
America where you buy milk by the shake we tend to have ours by the pint
which appears in glass bottles on our doorsteps by
magic.</P>
<P>But if you buy it in a supermarket you
have to buy it by the litre, which makes it cheaper. There's about one and
three quarter pints to the litre but as it is less than half the price
you're better off not relying on the doorstep magic unless you are rich or
support local businesses.</P>
<P>Then there's the
metric mile. This is a track event where runners run 1500 meters just to
confuse motorists who now have to work out how many 1500 meters to a
gallon for fuel consumption.</P>
<P>To help with this
calculation car manufacturers have put tenths of a mile on the odometer
(that thing on the dashboard with numbers going round like the hit counter
on a web site). So now you only have to work out how many 176 yards there
are in a 1500 meter race and divide this into the number of gallons you've
used since you put 71 litres in at the last service station... and divide
by 10. Simple.</P>
<P>As for weighing, nothing could be
simpler. In Holland they still weigh babies by the pound. (One Dutch
friend told me, "It's because you weigh fruit and fish in kilos, not
babies!") The problem is their pound is 500 grams. An English pound is a
much easier to remember 454 grams.</P>
<P>Now, in
England we buy small quantities of boiled ham or roast turkey or whatever
from a delicatessen by the quarter pound or "quarter". Yes, I know, in the
good old pre-metric system days a quarter was 2 stones, or 28lbs (pounds)
or quarter of a hundredweight (112lbs) twenty of which made a ton
2240lbs.</P>
<P><B>Aside</B> Apparently a
metric tonne is 2204 lbs - how spooky!</P>
But walking out of a
delicatessen with 28 lbs of cooked meat was unlikely to happen so they
knew that you were referring to an amount smaller than that when you
pressed your sweaty finger into the pink pile of sliced meat and said, "A
quarter of this, if it's fresh".</P>
<P>So now when
people say "A quarter of ham, please," the assistant knows they want 113
and a half grams. <B>NB</B>If they offer 100 grams as an
equivlent turn it down instantly and say "I'm sorry I don't eat metric,
I'm allergic."</P>
<P>If you're not sure how to order
things in metric, order by the slice. They haven't decimalised the slice
yet. "Four slices of that roast crocodile meat, my good man, and make it
snappy!" </P>
<P>Do you know how many wardens to a
meter? Now there's an idea for a guide entry.</P>
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