October 3, 2004 Dan Harper: Memo to God: Help us get the standards rightIf I were God, there are a few things I would change about the way we go about business. He didn�t goof, mind you, we fumbled the ball. The changes I�m suggesting are little things � nothing cosmic, just some odd bits that need improvement.First of all, I�d like to suggest that we change our weights and measures to coincide with those of everyone else. Why do we keep resisting kilometers, kilograms and centigrade? The world has gone metric while America battles impossible shibboleths. Let�s accept our defeat and get on with life. If I were God, I�d create some universal plumbing standards. Why can�t all toilets have the same mechanical insides so we don�t need to know a dozen different plumbing combinations to fix the one we own? I�ve repaired a few toilets in my day, and let me say God wasn�t involved in the design of any of them. Flappers, for example, come in a bewildering array of styles. If you don�t have the right flapper for your toilet, your life will be unhappy and filled with dribbles. Now let�s cast our eye to the automobile, where the engineers have made a virtue of arbitrary and, in some cases, unsafe designs. I had a silly Rambler once that had no clutch pedal, but I still had to shift it. It was a foolish idea, and the idea was stillborn from the beginning. The Rambler Company dropped that idea just before the public dropped them. I recently rented a Ford and discovered how arbitrary the placement of automobile controls can be. They didn�t match the placement of the controls on my Honda. So who�s right? At a business meeting with the Harper family in Colorado, I had the opportunity to drive my cousin Bob and his wife to a barbecue in this rented Ford.
It began getting dark, and I reached down to turn on the car�s headlights, but I couldn�t find the switch. It wasn�t on the steering column like my car at home. So I groped awhile, one eye on the road the other searching for the switch. Things got quiet in the back seat while I fumbled and dodged oncoming traffic. After a couple of close calls, I found the switch � the Ford engineers obviously disagreed with the engineers that designed my Honda. I wonder how many accidents occur because some easily confused guy like me can�t figure out the controls on his rental car. Finally, my cousin Bob � the safety expert, mind you � spoke. "You would think," he said quietly, "that they would put the controls in the same place for all cars ... . It�s really a safety issue." He�s right. It is a safety issue. Why aren�t these essential controls in the same place on all cars? Now here�s a novel idea. Let�s put lights, windshield wipers, light dimmers and horns in exactly the same place on all cars. A Saab we once owned had the horn attached to a lever, which was so frustrating I developed some nasty and profane language just for that lever. We have all kinds of standardization in other areas of life � why can�t we have standard locations for some of these essential controls? We live in a society that is preoccupied with safety. Baby clothes are tested for fire safety. Toy parts are examined to see if they can be too easily swallowed. Paint is checked for lead content and cigarettes come with warning labels on them. What�s wrong with standardizing the controls on cars? While we�re at it, let�s match the power of a car to the speed limits. Since the speed limit in most states is 70 or 75, why do we have cars that can go 120 or even 150 miles per hour? Finally, let me raise one more burning ethical question: How come we let drunks drive? They kill themselves and a lot of us. The technology exists to keep these inebriated drivers from starting their cars. Why haven�t we done that? Is the liquor lobby that powerful? Or do we just not care? Some of us whine about all the regulations our government imposes on us, but we haven�t regulated drunk drivers, who killed almost 41,000 of us in road accidents last year. Technology could keep that from happening. Why are we waiting?
Dan Harper is an Aptos photographer, journalist and former English Department chairman at Cabrillo College. He can be reached via e-mail at [EMAIL PROTECTED] His column appears each Sunday. 
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