A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your
independence, effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation"
in
the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she
does
not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping
half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. We
will
let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
2. You will stop using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such
as "like" and "you know." It is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English.
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start
driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate
effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help
you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried
in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed
with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
