To be consistent, the author should have used metric in pricing gasoline.
David King
/Metric is British and best! Speak in English, Measure in Metric
Email hosted by 1&1 Internet Ltd. <http://www.1and1.co.uk/?k_id=3899401>/
Pat Naughtin wrote:
Dear All,
Many people send this message to me assuming that I will be interested
in the metrication reference.
About a year ago I might have received this message (as a joke) about
once a month, but recently the frequency has increased and now I can
receive this as often as four times in a day.
I don't know what the change in frequency means, but when I searched
Google for the phrase, "roundabouts and metrication" I got 9730 hits
many of them from the USA. Maybe people are starting to be able to
consider words like 'metric' and 'metrication' without instant recoil.
A Message from the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of theUSA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be
expected to raise yourvocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US
English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. They are also part
of British Commonwealth- see what it did for them. American brands
will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywoodwill also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a
bunch of Nancies). Don't try rugby - the Kiwis will thrash you, like
they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting
out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily 'Tea Time' begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups,
with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a
good sense of humour and NOT humor.)
Cheers,
Pat Naughtin
PO Box 305 Belmont 3216,
Geelong, Australia
Phone: 61 3 5241 2008
Metric system consultant, writer, and speaker, Pat Naughtin, has
helped thousands of people and hundreds of companies upgrade to the
modern metric system smoothly, quickly, and so economically that they
now save thousands each year when buying, processing, or selling for
their businesses. Pat provides services and resources for many
different trades, crafts, and professions for commercial, industrial
and government metrication leaders in Asia, Europe, and in the USA.
Pat's clients include the Australian Government, Google, NASA, NIST,
and the metric associations of Canada, the UK, and the USA.
See http://www.metricationmatters.com
<http://www.metricationmatters.com/>for more metrication information,
contact Pat at [EMAIL PROTECTED]
<mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]> or to get the free
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to: http://www.metricationmatters.com/newsletter to subscribe.
