Posted by Ilya Somin:
Bryan Caplan's Advice on Social Intelligence:
http://volokh.com/archives/archive_2009_06_14-2009_06_20.shtml#1245316137
George Mason economist Bryan Caplan has some excellent advice on how
to increase your "social intelligence." As a teenager and for years
thereafter, I had many of the same problems as Bryan and partially
overcame them in much the same way. As Bryan puts it, I "at least
managed to claw my way up to mediocrity" in this important aspect of
life. If you have similar shortcomings (and I suspect many
intellectually oriented people do), his advice is well worth
considering:
My social intelligence is a lot higher than it used to be. I still
wouldn't say that I'm "good with people." But in my youth, I was
truly inept. In junior high, I had one real friend, and many overt
enemies. Since then, I've at least managed to claw my way up to
mediocrity.
A lot of social intelligence is in details and practice. If I could
travel back in time and spend five minutes advising myself, though,
here are the principles I would try to teach myself.
1. Good conversation is an exchange. The most basic form of social
ineptitude is to say what's on your mind, even though you have no
reason to believe your listeners are interested. Even more
cloddish: Saying what's on your mind, even though you know that
your listeners are not interested.
In a useful conversation, in contrast, there is a [1]double
coincidence of wants. You have to be interested in what I have to
say; I have to be interested in what you have to say....
2. Be friendly. It's not just [2]good advice for libertarians; it's
good advice for people. A strong presumption in favor of kindness
and respect almost never hurts you, and often helps you. Note that
I say "presumption." Don't "wait and see" if people deserve
friendly treatment. Hand it out first, no questions asked. You will
make friends (very good), avoid making enemies (good), and
occasionally show undeserved kindness and respect (only mildly
bad).
3. Keeping friends is more important than getting your way. You
should think twice before asking anyone for help. If you still
think it's a good idea, try to make your request easy to refuse.
"How would you feel about..." is much better than "Please, please
just do me this one favor!" In the short-run, of course, the pushy
approach is often effective. But life is a repeated game, pushing
leads to resentment, and your relationships are more valuable than
almost any specific victory.
There is a complication, of course. Part of the reason why young
intellectuals make these mistakes is that they often don't realize
they are doing so. But part of it is simply the result of having a
strong preference for expressing your own ideas and little interest in
the things other people want to talk about - especially social
chitchat and small talk. If you place a really high value on "hearing
yourself talk" and a relatively low value on social popularity, it
could be rational to reject Bryan's advice. But if your goal in
expressing your ideas is to persuade other people that you are right
(or at least worth taking seriously), following the above advice will
still be useful. Even if it is irrational to do so, people tend to
discount your ideas if you act like a jerk, and give them more
credence if you seem friendly and personable.
Several times I have spoken at conferences or debates where one of the
other speakers attacked my ideas in an obnoxious or rude way. Whenever
I maintained enough self-discipline not to respond in kind, it almost
always tended to sway the audience to my side and away from his. Even
if you are the kind of deep thinker who doesn't care much about making
friends, you should still make nice if you want to influence people.
References
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_coincidence_of_wants
2. http://econlog.econlib.org//archives/2008/07/the_case_for_li.html
_______________________________________________
Volokh mailing list
[email protected]
http://lists.powerblogs.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/volokh
