<Sunday Sermon> Someone recently brought the following transmission to my attention:
http://www.gocomics.com/monty/2014/12/07 I decided to make some inquiries into the matter. A cohort of mine, Vince Dingalint, reporter at large in both time and space, dug up a fragment of an interesting secret document that seems to shed some light on the matter of why certain aliens are green. I was told the following transmission had been extracted from the Kacknard Galactic Administrative Book of Interstellar Civilizations, Volume 3441232.axz.IZ42, (appendix 34). The leaker's name and species remains a carefully guarded secret to protect the guilty. BEGIN TRANSMISSION: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- NOTE: This section contains classified information on order by the Kacknard command. No unauthorized ocular scanning is allowed upon penalty of dismemberment ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- Planet Earth, early historical interactions: During the Draconian Reign there had been some political debate on how best to interact with indigenous species inhabiting primitive planets scattered about in the mostly uncharted outer spiral arms of the galaxy. On one non-descript primitive planet known as Earth the most genetically advanced biological species lacked the capacity to develop interstellar flight, let alone the ability to add or subtract. What should be done about these genetic deficiencies? Some suggested it might be useful to interact on a genetic level and influence them, presumably to improve their Lot-in-Life. On the opposite side of the fence it had been postulated it would be more prudent to continue to passively record their activities as they mucked about doing whatever their evolutionary predilections dictated them to do. What had been gathered from robotic survey drones sent to monitor the planet was that many species had a genetic propensity towards highly aggressive survival traits. On the octal base scale of 0 to 7 the level of aggression exhibited was rated a solid 7, about as aggressive as any species can get. Under the circumstances no one was sure which might be the better course of action the Draconian reign should take. Should they intervene and attempt to help improve the circumstances, or back off and continue to observe the situation from afar. What made the debate difficult to settle was the fact that computer simulations had showed that if left alone many of the more genetically advanced species, despite their innate aggressive tendencies to either tear each other apart, or eat each other, would eventually evolve sufficient intellectual capacity to acquire the ability of shattering atomic nuclei. Once that happened projections ended with a 90-95% probability of the planet's atmosphere and outer crust being rendered radioactive. The environment would be inhospitable for all carbon-based life-forms for several million years. On the other appendage, any administration that decided to intervene, presumably to ameliorate the more aggressive tendencies, would be held accountable and blamed for any planetary disasters that transpired during their stewardship. No administration wanted that responsibility hanging over their ganglia lobes. Not surprisingly, taking the path of least resistance, a wait-and-observe strategy, had been followed, until. One day a consortium of Kacknard explorers interested in discovering and exploiting new food stock resources visited the Earth planet clandestinely - without paying the proper exploratory permit fees. During one their discrete forays they discovered and sampled several four-legged bovine species. Market surveys indicated these exotic new food stocks would turn out to be highly prized commodities on the interstellar foreign niche food market. Without delay the Kacknard consortium acted on their own self-interest. They began influencing Draconian institutions responsible for managing the non-intervention of primitive non space faring planetary systems. They supplied generous grants and lobbied the Draconian administration with the goal that they be allowed to pursue a more appendages-on approach. The Kacknard consortium also mentioned they would be more than happy to both manage and absorb all the up-front costs for maintaining "all purely scientific exploratory operations". They would also pay in-full all prior accumulated fines plus interest for not having applied for the initial exploratory permit fees. The generous financial arrangement effectively froze out all competing consortiums that might have had an interest in exploring the matter for their own economic gain. Not surprisingly, the Kacknard consortium quickly secured all rights to both sample and meddle on a genetic level in Earth affairs at unprecedented levels. This went on for several hundred thousand Earth year cycles. Eventually the Draconian Reign was overthrown by the Dogon Reign. Several hundred years later the policy concerning Earth intervention came up for routine review. Once again the Kacknard consortium offered up additional grants in order to maintain their now well-established market share. Unfortunately, this time around the consortium's efforts resulted in a less advantageous outcome. The Dogon Reign, a more intellectually based collection of space faring species, were less interested in furthering the political goals of species who seemed, from their point of view, to be obsessively preoccupied with gastro-alimentary interests. This blatant prejudice against consuming solid fuel was likely due to the fact that Dogons possessed chlorophyll distributed over their exterior tiny green chitin scales. Dogons absorbed most of their nourishment by harvesting specific electromagnetic frequencies. As any Dogon critic would say: "Dogons have no taste." Incidentally, Kacknards were a silicate based species and as such did not have the capacity nor comprehension to understand what the exotic senses of taste or smell were all about. Growing and selling food to carbon-based species was nothing more than a sound a business strategy for them to either exploit or prevent other consortiums from competing against their own best interests. Despite their faults the Dogons were a practical-minded trinary high-lobed configured species. They were pragmatic about not wanting to forego all the generous grants the Kacknard food stock consortium had been donating to the political administration branch for hundreds of thousands of years. Behind closed chamber walls a discrete compromise was hammered out between the concerned parties. The Dogon Department of Primitive Indigenous Species Observations directed the Kacknard food stock consortium to administer half of their financial resources towards efforts to genetically improve the intellectual capacity of Earth's most promising species, both land and aquatic based. They were ordered to start splicing in additional pacification traits. Unfortunately, due to the clandestine nature of the meeting (which was exacerbated by a faulty translator unit) the portion of the transcript detailing the need to splice in additional pacification genetic traits got lost in translation. The original request to got mangled into terminology that ended up being interpreted as the process of "balkanization". This led to some initial confusion followed by reinterpretation of the original intent. Three of the most notable reinterpretations resulted in: (1) A group of aquatic species from the Cephalopod family became more resourceful in how they went about capturing and eating prey. One of the side effects was an increased propensity towards cannibalism. Complicating matters the reproductive life-cycle of the species tended to dominated the biological system to such a degree that it effectively prevented their capacity to develop any kind of a recognizable societal based culture that might help ameliorate cannibalistic tendencies. In an attempt to ameliorate further degeneration of the species the Dogon administration decided a more focused intervention plan was necessary, but now completely under their supervision. This included a revised genetic splicing plan which they would also spearhead with a goal of modifying the reproductive cycle so that the species would not die soon after exchanging genetic material. (2) An offshoot of mostly hairless biped Simians, a species for which computer simulations had suggested would not likely to show much promise, unexpectedly discovered the art of smashing and fusing atomic nuclei. Remote monitoring stations indicated that the species wasted no time detonating the atomic process within the planet's atmosphere and outer crust which, not surprisingly, caused severe environmental damage. Then, quite unexpectedly, the species seem to become utterly terrified of the consequences of what they had learned to do. They stopped smashing atoms in the atmosphere and outer crust. No computer projections had predicted a temporary stalemate might occur. In an attempt to take advantage of the temporary lull in planetary destruction the Dogon administration decided two new covert programs were needed. The first program involved, after additional random sampling and probing had been completed, the Dogon administration spearheading gene splicing efforts to further pacify the species. The second program involved custom building a specially constructed android capable of infiltrating the societies of these mostly hairless simians. It was hoped the android would be accepted as another one of the tribe. The device was sent down to a place called Cranbury, New Jersey. The android's primary objective was to help spearhead a more environmentally friendly way of generating energy through the manipulation of electron shells. At present the success of the android's programmed objectives remains unclear. It was known that several technicians involved in the building and programming of the AI circuitry had expressed concerns that many of the behavioral algorithms had not been adequately field tested. They noticed the android had a tendency, in simulated encounters with mostly hairless simian scientists, to exhibit a high level of arrogance combined with a propensity to reinterpret the laws of physics. However, since the AI project quickly encountered cost overruns, concerns and complaints of this nature were brushed off by management. (3) The majority of cetacean species, now realizing they had been methodically preyed on by the same mostly hairless simian species for thousands of years, asked for political asylum. The one exception was the Orca family. They did not care to be relocated to another biologically compatible planet inhabited by less-aggressive tenants. The Orcas came to a decision that it might be more fun to even the score. As for the rest, all they wanted was the right to be relocated somewhere where they could continue eating aquatic prey of their choice, the right to play, and the right to participate in creative procreation practices. A review of the cetacean's plight indicated they qualify for relocation due to the specie's inability to defend themselves. The Specie's Disadvantage act was cited as sufficient justification under section 23axb.3443.23, which states unequivocally: "You cannot expect to flip off your opponent if the enemy is capable of grasping a club." Since no financial reparations had been demanded as compensation for pain and suffering the Dogon administration quickly agreed to the cetacean's terms. After some initial difficulty in determining how the contract should be signed, since cetaceans possess no manipulative appendages of their own, one creative delegate suggested a procreative act should be substituted with signature applied by appropriate biological means. Relocation preparations are now under way. Meanwhile, the Orcas, now having been enlightened to the circumstances of their fate, have been observed to be quietly revising their future plans for entertainment and sport. The Kacknard consortium of food explorers didn't have much of a say about the latest revisions forced upon their business enterprises. Eventually management decided not to press the matter nor file a protest. They decided maintaining a low profile, at least through the current Dogon Reign however long the reign might last, seemed a better course to take. The decision was augmented by the fact that while the consortium had determined they would only be able to generate an under average profit they still held an exclusive monopoly on the planet's food stocks. The future still looked bright to them. In an attempt to ameliorate future surprises that might come out of the troubling Earth dilemma the Dogon administration decided to change the frequency of reviews from once every 100,000 years to every 25,000 years. The entry in the Wiki Galactic Encyclopedic Survey log specifically on Earth was also placed under review. After some deliberation the description entry was quietly updated from "Harmless" to "Mostly Harmless". END TRANSMISSION </Sunday Sermon> Regards, Steven Vincent Johnson svjart.orionworks.com zazzle.com/orionworks
