Take a peek at the incredible world according to Hillary
Welcome to Good Morning Ireland, and it's hard to keep up with Hillary
Clinton's many escapades, not to speak of the curious amnesia which assails
other people when they try to remember them.
Only the other week she was telling us about how she had brought Northern
Ireland's women's groups -- who, she said, had never met before -- into
groundbreaking talks. But the women concerned said they'd been talking amiably
for years.
Mrs Clinton now alleges that when she arrived to bring peace to Bosnia, she had
to run for cover from intense sniper fire as she left her plane. But the actual
news footage of her arrival shows her being greeted warmly by a girl with
flowers.
Fortunately, for the second time in a fortnight, we have Hillary Clinton with
us here in the studio. How do you explain that discrepancy?
"BOCGI: Barak Obama Computer Generated Imagery! I took a bullet in the shoulder
that day, and never said a word. It was the same foot I got shot in when I was
flying the last helicopter off the embassy roof in Saigon. Bill was my door-
gunner, with a teenage Vietnamese girl in each pocket. The moment we landed, he
thoughtfully took them off to give them a bath, while I tended to the bullet
wound in my calf. Still troubles me when it's damp, right here in my hip."
Sorry, I thought your husband was a draft-dodger.
"Yeah, that's right, Bill was raft-logging in a timber-camp in Montana right up
until he volunteered for the Green Berets. That's how we first met, on a deep
penetration raid into North Vietnam. We didn't meet up again until after I'd
got back from leading the rescue mission at Entebbe. My, that was close. I got
shot in my thigh again. Must be a magnet there.
"Then we married, and I got pregnant with my darling little Fulham. So I had to
leave the Navy SEALS."
But you were always active in Bill's career, isn't that right?
"It sure is. After I rescued the hostages in Teheran, I was able to dedicate
myself full-time to Bill's public life -- when I wasn't minding little Arsenal,
that is. The apple of my eye."
I'm sure she is.
When is her birthday?
"What a question. Crystal Palace's birthday falls on the anniversary of the day
she was born, every year, without fail. But only once a year -- usually on some
day between a Sunday and a Saturday. It varies, you know, from year to year.
"When I was astronomer general, I tried to fix it so that Millwall's birthday
would always fall on a Monday -- but I came up against that same right-wing
Republican opposition that later torpedoed my healthcare program. Sorry, you
say programme over here, don't you? When in Rome, ha ha ha."
And then Bill was elected to the White House. "I beg your pardon: we were
elected to the White House. We were and are very much a team. True, Tottenham
Hotspur was still young, and could only give so much time to running the State
Department. I got the Pentagon, naturally, after my defeat of the Soviets in
Afghanistan. So I was finally able to modernise our armed forces. Remember --
this was my field: I'd started Microsoft with Bill Gates. And what a sweet guy
he is: whenever he has a problem, he still calls me. That's the kind of person
I am."
How did you feel about the Monica Lewinsky affair?
"I felt guilty! It was my fault! I shouldn't have become the first woman to
pilot the space-shuttle! I took too much time away from Bill and from West Ham
United! They needed me! I wasn't there for them! I'll never forgive myself!"
Then you were elected to the Senate.
"Well, with the White House behind us, and little Queens Park Rangers grown up
and at college, I had to do something. I'd climbed Everest, discovered the
wreck of the Titanic, and started Google Inc. It was the golden chance to think
about myself for a change: finally, to have a bit of me-time."
How did your family feel about that?
"Totally supportive. Bill found a dozen young women interns to help me out,
from a little locked office he used to share with them and some bottles of
mouthwash. And Charlton Athletic was immense. I'll never forget her."
If you are elected, who will your vice president be?
"My beloved Leyton Orient, of course. What are you doing?"
Gaaaaarrrgh. Getting sick.
- KEVIN MYERS
Friday March 28 2008
http://www.independent.ie/opinion/columnists/kevin-myers/take-a-peek-at-the-incredible--world-according-to-hillary-1329171.html
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