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BARNEY: You know, a few years back a similar thing happened to me.
ANDY: Yeah?
BARN: Maybe I never told you about it. The girls name was Halcyon
Loretta Winslow.
ANDY: Pretty name.
BARN: Ugliest girl you ever saw in your life. What happened was her
father got it in
his head that I should marry Halcyon. You know, he saw my
picture in the paper.
You remember when I won that church raffle--four free haircuts?
ANDY: Oh, yeah. Picture's all over the front page.
BARN: You know how that affects people. The go crazy. Right away, he
saw civil
servant, security. Right? Then he saw unmarried, and at the
time I was only
three-oh.
ANDY: Thirty.
BARN: Right. He saw in me an untapped source of lifetime happiness for
his ugly
daughter. So, needless to say they got my phone number from the
barber and
the rest is history
ANDY: I don't believe I ever heard of it.
BARN: You didn't? Well I'll tell ya', it's like a tale outta two
cities. First, I only saw
the old man for about a week. He made me a tempting offer:
third interest in a
prune-pitting operation.
ANDY: There's a lot of money in that.
BARN: Well, you gotta like it. Full use of the company car, an
interest in the family
home, and a beautiful hillside plot in the Mt. Pilot cemetery.
ANDY: That burial plot alone is worth a fortune.
BARN: You know me. When opportunity knocks, ol' Barn's got to at least
take a
peek and see if there's anybody on the stoop. Anyway, the old
man made a date
for all of us to meet down at Klein's Coffeehouse for American
cheese and garni.
ANDY: Yeah. You finally met her, huh?
BARN: Oh boy.
ANDY: Not to pretty?
BARN: Beasto maristo. I'll tell ya', that cheese sandwich stuck right
there for about
three days.
ANDY: How'd you finally get off the hook?
BARN: Well, first of all, I paid for my own cheese sandwich.
ANDY: Wipe out any obligations.
BARN: Right. Then I took the old man to one side and I told him
straight out, N-O, a
flat no dice.......But he kept after me, letters phone calls,
driving that company
car by all shiny and new. But I held my ground. Pretty soon he
got the idea, and
that was the end of it.
ANDY: Whatever happened to Halcyon?
BARN: Well, you know she went east to one of them schools where they
trim you down,
clear your skin, make you walk around with a book on your head.
ANDY: Don't tell me she turned out to be beautiful?
BARN: No. She's still ugly, single, and pitting prunes.
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