This just showed up on Spaf's "yucks" mailing list. > From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] > Date: Sun, 21 Jun 1998 19:02:12 -0700 > Subject: AOL > To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > > IF AOL WERE A CITY... > > You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were > h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex. > > You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to > leave your house, the door would be stuck. > > Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by > slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems > for only $399.99 > > The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to > leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard. > > 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special > offers, promotions and discounts from www.BS-R-US.com > > The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident. > > The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move. > > The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of > those brutal toe stubs. > > If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form > letter saying how you "really are important you are to us." > > The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his > worthless company somewhere else. > > Everyone on the street would have something to do with porn, and this > business would account for 75% of all city revenue. > > Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently > scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! while anonymous callers called your cell phone > saying "Wanna do it" > > Those that didn't do that would call you and say "Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from > the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. > Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced > to evict you and your family." > > Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer > screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE!" > > Even your three-year-old son would know the intimate personal details of > the town security expert. > > You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling > you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really > the Earth's fault. > > Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd > foot the bill. > > Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police > bashing in your door, throwing your butt on the floor, and kicking the crap > out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, bonehead. ROFLMAO LOL!!" > > You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd > wind up studying one-handed typing and annoying acronyms. > > You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would > move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before > sun-up. > > The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in > the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds. > > The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the > kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while ripping down > the swings and beating the crap out of kids currently playing there. Note: > Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot > get out "for safety reasons," and then hordes of perverts are allowed in. > > The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but > would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps. > > Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU DO > WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no." The voice then > replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW." > > A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient Doom 2 patches, > commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g > > Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land > called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city. > > Ms Kitty <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> ____________________________________________________________________ -------------------------------------------------------------------- Join The Web Consultants Association : Register on our web site Now Web Consultants Web Site : http://just4u.com/webconsultants If you lose the instructions All subscription/unsubscribing can be done directly from our website for all our lists. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
