Stupid is as stupid does
Republicans
by Ed Naha | April 23, 2009 - 12:26pm
It was either Forrest Gump or Sarah Palin who once said, "Stupid is as stupid
does." For some reason, I get them confused. Oh, yeah. Gump's the one who made
sense. Anyhow, for some reason 2009 is shaping up to be a banner year for
"Stupid." So, I think it's time we take a moment and congratulate some of those
who are trying their best to make mouth-breathing a national pastime.
The "Bluto Blutarsky" Journalism Award is snared by NBC's finest goatee wearer
Chuck Todd. He described the current debate over possible investigations of
U.S. torture during the Bush years with "Frankly, this feels like a political
food fight, now." Water-boarding? Custard pies? Six o' one, half a dozen of the
other. Toga! Toga! Toga!
The "Slappy White (Man)" Award goes to comedian Rush Limbaugh who, to show that
U.S. torture wasn't all that bad, repeatedly slapped himself in the face whilst
on the radio. Hey, Rush? I have a nail gun you could use if you want to
continue with the demonstration.
The "Follow The Yellowstain Road" Travel Guide is given to the Bush
Administration who used torture as a means to prove their fantasy connection
between Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. In addition, the White House
reportedly used thumbscrews and the rack when it came to creating their own
fantasy football league.
The "Now I'm Cookin' With Gas" Mask is given to John "Bronzer" Boehner who
dismissed global warming on "This Week" with the wry comment, "The idea that
carbon dioxide is a carcinogen, that it's harmful to our environment is almost
comical. Every time we exhale, we exhale carbon dioxide. Every cow in the
world, uh, well, you know when they do what they do, you've got more carbon
dioxide." Right. But when Republicans imitate cows they call it "speech."
The "Tea-bagging Would Have Been Better" Handi Wipe is collectively shared by
right-wingnut pundits and politicos who are SHOCKED by the fact that President
Obama, while attending the Summit of the Americas, actually shook the hand of
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez instead of poking him in the eye.
The "Watchoo Talkin' 'Bout White Bread?" entree is served to Larry "Crank"
Kudlow who found obvious symbolism in the Obama-Chavez encounter, calling it "a
'Boyz N The Hood' handshake." He later instructed his chauffer to take him on a
"drive by" down Fifth Avenue.
The "Klaatu Barack Nikto" Dork Beam is fired at CNN for posing the following
question both online and on air: "Do you think President Obama should release
alleged secret UFO files?" Beam me some real news, Scotty.
The "Let's Kiss Up and Make Nice" badge of dishonor goes to purring pundit
Peggy ("I Know Nussink") Noonan who summed up all those distasteful torture
memos with a smile and a shrug. "It's hard for me to look at a great nation
issuing these documents and sending them out to the world and thinking, 'Oh,
much good will come of that.' Sometimes in life you want to keep walking...
Some of life has to be mysterious." Yeah, when I think "Spanish Inquisition," I
think "Oh, sweet mystery of life."
The "Orthodox Stoogeology" head bash goes to former CIA Shemp Michael Hayden
who, miffed over Obama's release of Bush's "Torture For Dummies" screeds,
claimed that the CIA wasn't going to be able to do its job anymore. Why?
Because terrorists will now know what to expect. All this time they thought
"water boarding" was a surfing term.
The "Careful You Don't Fall off The Edge of the Earth" Degree of Certitude goes
to George Will who has made a cottage industry of stating that the Earth is
actually cooling and that Arctic Ice is not melting by using scientific facts
he pulled out of his ass. So off-the-wall were "Washington Post" Will's recent
claims that two reporters on the paper actually wrote a factual story refuting
George's theories. This is what toupee glue can do to a fella, folks.
"The Size Nine In the Slats" Stylin' Award also goes to George Will who,
proving that he has way too much time on his hands and that his bi-polar ice
caps are melting at an alarming rate, actually wrote an entire column devoted
to the evil of blue jeans. Entitled "Demon Denim," the column offered the
alarming assessment, "Denim is the infantile uniform of a nation in which
entertainment frequently features childlike adults ('Seinfeld,' 'Two and a Half
Men') and cartoons for adults ('King of the Hill'). Seventy-five percent of
American 'gamers' -- people who play video games -- are older than 18 and
nevertheless are allowed to vote." His sage advice? "For men, sartorial good
taste can be reduced to one rule: If Fred Astaire would not have worn it, don't
wear it. For women, substitute Grace Kelly." He then turned on Turner Classic
Movies and huffed his hair.
The "Two Bigfoots on the Grassy Knoll" prize goes to Sam Donaldson who, last
weekend on ABC's "This Week" noting the gradual thaw in U.S.-Cuban relations,
said, "In his dying breath I'd like to be at [Castro's] bedside and say, did
you do it? Meaning November 22, 1963." He then privately wished that Obama
would release all that top secret UFO stuff and huffed George Will's hair.
The "Get Me Re-Write" award goes to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich whose
attempt to star in the reality show "I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here" was
quashed by a federal judge. Blago's agent is supposedly negotiating an even
better deal for the pol on "Lockdown."
"The Pot Meet Kettle" Friendship Ring is shared by all cranky conservatives who
threw a collective hissy-fit over Homeland Security's warning about American
"right-wing extremists." It was an outrage to even consider that American
whack-jobs might act, uh, whacky! They don't ride camels! They just smoke them!
Unfortunately, less than a week later the FBI revealed that the number one
terrorist suspect on their list is an American.
The "Diddle Me This Film Criticism Crown" is bestowed upon The Catholic
League's Bill Donohue who is already having a bad case of celluloid stigmata
over Ron Howard's summer release "Angels & Demons," the widescreen adaptation
of Dan Brown's novel. Apparently failing to note that a novel is a work of
fiction, Donohue has called the film anti-Catholic. In a press release, Donohue
declared: "Howard must be delusional if he thinks Vatican officials are going
to like his propaganda--they denied him the right to film on their grounds.
Moreover, we know from a Canadian priest who hung out with Howard's crew last
summer in Rome (dressed in civilian clothes) just how much they hate
Catholicism. It's time to stop the lies and come clean." Stop the lies? Come
clean? Hey, Bill. Two words: altar boys.
The "Stop the World, I Want To Get Off" prize goes to Hedgehogs Anonymous'
Glenn Beck who, on Earth Day, featured a caller clear-cutting trees for a
hunter who wanted a better chance of bagging deer on his land. Beck encouraged
the guy to rev up his chainsaw on the air. "This is like nirvana here. This is
not only going to hack off the environmentalists but all the PETA people
too...I need Barry White music...This is eroticism." Bear in mind, last week,
Beck was at the Alamo with a group of tea-baggers, including Ted Nugent. Beck
found him "too damn sexy." Got wood?
The "Heads, I Win. Tails, I Win" wooden nickel goes to Minnesota's ex-Senator
Norm Coleman who is, for the billionth time, appealing election results showing
that Democrat Al Franken won the race...nearly six months after the election.
It's a shame that the character Two-Face was killed off in the last Batman
movie. Norm could have had a second career.
Ah, sweet stupidity, one of America's oldest exports. Tune in 24/7 as
manufacturers of Moronism like Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Sean Hannity unveil
their newest product, right off the disassembly line!
Remember, as Forrest Gump once said: "Our next door neighbors are foreign
countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia
... We have trade missions back and forth. We- we do- it's very important when
you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head
and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where- where do
they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is- from Alaska that
we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful
nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to- to our
state."
Oh. That was the OTHER one. Never mind.
GOP wins: "Mandate! Elections have consequences!"
GOP loses: "Tyranny! Fascism! Revolution! Secession!"
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“The hottest(darkest) places in Hell are reserved for those who in times of
great moral crises maintain their neutrality” ----Dante Alighieri
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